No, I'm Not Going to Hide My Tampon From You

It took a while for me to realize that the best way to bring a tampon to the bathroom is just to hold it in your hand.

It seems like common sense -- like, why wouldn't you hold a tampon on the way to the bathroom instead of shoving it up your sleeve, sliding it in your back pocket, or bringing your whole purse with you, wallet, cell phone, keys and all?

Most women have their period once a month, and the average menstrual cycle is 28 days, according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Having a period is healthy and highlights that your body is normal and functioning properly.

But if my period comes early and I don't have a tampon on me, why do I feel like I have to whisper when I ask a friend for one? Why is there so much shame? Why do I have to hide the tampon in the first place?

Maybe a better question is, Who am I really hiding the tampon from? Growing up, I remember the embarrassment of having stained underwear and blood leaking down my leg because my tampon was too light. The girls in my class would understand, but the boys would be weirded out. During college and after graduation, my friends and I exchanged embarrassing stories revolving around dating and guys and sex, and how many of the guys we'd dated were turned off by menstruation. It then dawned on me -- I was hiding tampons from men.

In society, women tend to be treated as objects and placed in questionable positions in advertisements. However, as soon as a little bit of blood leaks, everyone flips out, and once that happens, that woman is no longer a woman to be desired. Many men are grossed out by it. I know this from personal experience; one guy I dated a while ago, Max*, agreed to have sex when I was on my period, but looked at the bloodied sheets with disgust when we were done. I stared at the stain, mortified. I kept apologizing, but he barely looked at me and was more irritated than understanding. We haven't spoken since.

Menstruation is a part of life and there should be no shame or embarrassment associated with it -- yet there is. Women deal with their periods regardless of what anyone else thinks about it. Why is a normal and healthy bodily function for women shunned?

If you're told often enough that your period is gross and guys don't like it, you may end up believing it and feeling self-conscious. But if you meet a guy who doesn't care -- it changes things. A guy's opinion on the female body shouldn't matter, but in this warped society where women are constantly sexualized and exist on the big screen mostly for the male gaze, a guy's opinion on the female body unfortunately matters more than it should.

On the subway ride home from Max's apartment, all I could think about was that red stain on his white sheets, and I tried to figure out why my cheeks were burning and why I was so ashamed. Why was I so embarrassed to talk to a guy about my period? Why did I have to apologize for something that most women go through once a month? Why was I apologizing so much? Why was I apologizing for my body?

I was really nervous a few weeks ago about telling a guy I was seeing that I was on my period -- we had chemistry, we had great conversations, and being together just felt right. I said I was on my period and, um, would he mind having sex with me while on my period? He said he didn't care. He's had girlfriends who've been on their period. He brushed it off nonchalantly as a non-issue. Of course it's OK.

That comfort and acceptance helped me be OK with it, too. There's no shame in being a woman and there's definitely no shame in being a woman who has a period. There's also no shame in being a woman who wants to have sex while on her period.

I don't care if you see me holding a tampon anymore. I don't care if you see me pass out a tampon or a pad to one of my friends or acquaintances or to a random woman who needs a tampon because her period came early or because she forgot it at home or because why does the reason matter at all? It should be normal to go to the bathroom and hold a tampon, but it isn't. I'm proud of my body. I'm proud I'm a woman.

So, no, I'm not going to hide my tampon and I'm not going to be embarrassed about my period anymore. And you shouldn't be, either.

*name changed to protect identity

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A couple of Hollywood divorce announcements have made headlines recently.

Predictable fallout in the social media communities has commenced. We're collectively disappointed: If they can't make it, nobody can! What does marriage even mean anymore? I totally saw that coming...he's been _________ing all over the place...

We're making assumptions and estimations, which is normal. We're curious. It's our nature.

Love is so much more complex, though. Especially when we're talking prolonged periods, like ten years or longer. People can change dramatically. And if the other half of the relationship is unwilling or refuses to meet their end of the bargain, sometimes what's best is to part ways.

I've heard the argument that they should stay in it for the children, citing the statistical analyses of single-parent homes not being proved adequate. Personally I think that's a crock. There are just as many messed up homes with couples that remain married. And is staying together miserable a preferable option?

Not if freedom, self-expression, and happiness are at the top of anybody's list.

Divorce rates are as high as they are for a reason. Every relationship is not going to last forever. Things change unpredictably far too often, and none of us can see the future or the end result of it. That being said, we can always make the choice to stay if we deem it in the best interest of all. But there has to be merit to that decision; it takes two to maintain a healthy, satisfying relationship.

It takes work.

When we enter a relationship to marry, most of us commit with that lifelong intent underlying our decision. But during the interim, people discover things about themselves that they didn't know going in. Sometimes the discoveries they make send them in a completely different direction than originally intended.

It can sting, particularly when one party is still madly in love with the other. Although I must argue that if both people are being 100 percent honest with themselves, they're going to pick up on the other person's feelings when things aren't going so well. When you live with a person for so many years, you can feel stuff like that.

But often, we don't pay attention to the other person's needs or feelings. Hell, most of us aren't catching on to our own feelings about what we want out of life, about what constitutes happy or satisfied. If we can't even articulate what any of that means for us internally, we're certainly not able to meet the other person's needs, regardless of our marital status.

Why do we feel the need to judge others when we see their marriage deteriorate? Are they failures? Or perhaps more successful at navigating the winds of change than we're comfortable with?

Question everything.

I highly doubt that all the commenters on the social media celebrity bashing train are living the marital dream, or any dream for that matter. If their lives were so fabulous, why would they be wasting time obsessing about a celebrity?

It's easy to fixate on celebrity. Takes far more commitment and effort to study the essence of healthy relationships, processing our emotions, going after our dreams, creating the ideals we long for.

Is it so incomprehensible that we should spend time focusing on what truly matters?

None of us are getting out of here alive. We are choosing to emphasize things that absolutely do not matter in the long run, trading our empowerment for endless chatter. It frustrates me tremendously. This is not to say that marriage itself does not matter, or that true love is a thing of the past.

The obsession toward celebrity, staged relationships, and make-believe connections with people we don't know in the slightest? That's the problem. Instead of squeezing the juiciness out of our own lives, we live vicariously through magazines and social media.

We should be living our best life, whatever that means for us personally.

In full disclosure, I've enjoyed a few train wrecks in my day. I've purchased celebrity mags, watched some Jersey Shore and even Real World (admittedly it's been a while). But I've never viciously contributed to the comments, trolling and attacking and obsessing. I was more preoccupied with figuring out my own life, and what I wanted it to look like now, and out five, ten, twenty years.

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As to my long-term relationship, we've had to work for it.

Love and marriage aren't concepts I take lightly. I fully intend to be with this man for the rest of my life. I've had to make that choice during some pretty rough periods we've encountered over the years.

It takes being conscious together, open communication, and awareness about what we both want out of life.

If down the road we awaken to the fact that one of us wants something completely different from what we thought initially, there's a possibility we could part ways.

We're open and honest enough with one another to acknowledge that fact; neither of us wants the other to be dishonest or unhappy just to maintain something that's dying. Sometimes aspects of our past (and relationships) must be laid to rest so that something new can be born.

And if you're currently on the denial train to Celebrity Land, I encourage you to disembark now. Say goodbye to vicarious living and hello to your life.

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Should I Be Embarrassed That I Met My Boyfriend Online?

I'm really lucky. I've met an awesomely amazing guy. We met online, on eHarmony to be exact. So why should it make me feel embarrassed to tell people the way we met?

Should I be ashamed to tell people that I met my boyfriend online?



It might be my age. Way back in the day, you met people the old fashioned way. At work, through friends, school or the oh-so-classy way of meeting-at a bar.

The last time I was single there WAS NO internet or online dating sites, so when I separated I wasn't sure whether or not to go online.

Then I took a look around and realized, LA is not an easy place to be single. It's a big city with lots of traffic. People are locked behind car windows on the freeway. Impersonal, vast, not a lot of chance encounters. I realized that unless a single man lived in the crawl space underneath my house and decided to pop out one day, I was probably going to have to go online.

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I quickly got over those crazy thoughts and logged on. And I'm so glad that I did. I never ever would have met my boyfriend. We work in very different industries. We live in totally different parts of the city. We would never have bumped into each other at the dry cleaners. I never would have run over his foot with my grocery cart at Vons.

I'd had dates with other men I'd met online. There was a system. Before you met his friends, you'd always have to make up a story of how you met. Through friends. At Starbucks. At a work event. Not one guy ever suggested we just tell the truth. That we met online. No way.

Until my boyfriend. I was meeting his best friend for the very first time. I was ready to make up "the story" of how we'd met. But then this amazing man replied, "No." "We met online. I'm proud of you and how we met. Why wouldn't I tell the truth about that?"

And I realized. He's right.

Why is there this hidden stigma to online dating? Well I'm done. I refuse. I'm not an online dating apologist. I'm an online dating believer. A hallelujah shouting online dating evangelist. Online dating lets people find each other across time zones, across cities and countries. It can even help someone like me find an incredible man who lives in another zip code across the wide expanse of freeways and canyons in Los Angeles. What's not to love about that?

Are you dating online? Do you tell people about how you've met your dates? Or do you make up your meeting story too?

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