The EU Commission has recently announced that to date Belgium has failed to transpose the Single Permit Directive (Directive 2011/98/EU) into its national law. Hence, the EU Commission referred Belgium to the EU Court of Justice in order to address the lack of progress in transposing this Directive.
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Belgium Lags Behind in Implementing the Single Permit Directive
By CSB Advocates - Swatar, Malta
The EU Commission has recently announced that to date Belgium has failed to transpose the Single Permit Directive (Directive 2011/98/EU) into its national law. Hence, the EU Commission referred Belgium to the EU Court of Justice in order to address the lack of progress in transposing this Directive.
The EU Commission has recently announced that to date Belgium has failed to transpose the Single Permit Directive (Directive 2011/98/EU) into its national law. Hence, the EU Commission referred Belgium to the EU Court of Justice in order to address the lack of progress in transposing this Directive.
How to Keep Your Job While Going Through a Divorce
"They're going to fire meeeeeee," my friend Mindy sobbed into the phone, so loud I had to pull it away from my ear to avoid going deaf.
"It's going to be okay," I assured her. Mindy had always been a strong lawyer with a good reputation.
"No, it's not!" she screeched. "My boss pulled me aside today as I was leaving..." she paused to blow her nose and take a shuddering breath, "and he told me that I needed to 'pull it together' or take some time off."
I sighed. I knew Mindy was going through a custody battle akin to World War II. "Min, what are you doing that your boss would say that?"
She sighed and blew her nose again. "I cried at my desk yesterday," she admitted. "And then, in a meeting... I didn't have my part of the presentation done. I've been late to work. I've... oh God a whole bunch of things. Look, I know you had a rough divorce and you... managed to keep it together." She hiccupped and sighed. "I need to know how you did it."
And here's what I told her:
One. Compartmentalize your life. When going through my divorce, my planner was my best friend. You can keep it in your phone, use your PC or (like me), do it the old-fashioned way and use one with actual paper. Either way, everything (yes, I mean that) got scheduled. Make dinner for tomorrow. Pick up kids from school. Prepare for Tuesday's meeting. Call the dentist. And of course, my favorite -- LMS. You can look at that planner and LMS was given a specific time every day. LMS specifically meant Losing My S**t. Which translated into crying, screaming in my car (yeah, I did it), cursing about my ex on the phone with my mother... anything that I needed to do that may have seemed irrational or completely off the hook if done at any other time. Most importantly, LMS cannot be done while at work. In the car on the drive home, in your kitchen while cooking dinner or even in bed after kids are asleep. But never, ever at the office. You may argue that you can't control when you lose it. But believe me, knowing you have a specific time that you can (and should) lose it actually helps. "I won't think about the papers Tom served on me now. I'll think about it at 6." File it away. Compartmentalize that because otherwise, it will take over every moment of your life.
Two. Be honest, but realistic. When I filed for divorce, I had a frank conversation with my boss about what was going on. When you chat with your supervisor, be realistic about the changes you're facing; whether those are time constraints or full schedule conflicts. If you foresee serious problems, ask if there is anyway for you to have a few hours extra one day a week, try to negotiate an earlier (or later) workday, an alternate schedule or simply see how much leeway you are going to have going through this period in your life. Smiling and telling everyone that you're "just fine," and it's business as usual might find you late at night still working at your desk, sobbing as you eat Nutella out of the jar while trying to finish a report. Not a pretty picture. If you don't have any leeway with your hours, then you will really need to...
Three. Enlist an army of support. If you now have to pick up kids from school at 3:30 p.m. and your workday doesn't end until 5:00 p.m., then you need to circle the wagons and rally the troops. Find other moms you know to help out, even if it's one day a week each. If you have family, ask them to lend a hand until you can work out something more permanent. If your kids need help with homework and you failed math, find out if there is after school student tutoring in the library. I used to work on spreadsheets as my kids got tutored in Science. Anything you can ask for help -- do it. Even if it's your mom who cooks dinner for you once a week; one less thing you have to do will help you keep your sanity.
You can make it through this difficult time without losing your mind -- or your job. And one day, one of your friends at work may stop by your desk and tearfully ask how you "kept it together." You can smile knowingly, pat her hand, and open your planner.
"It's going to be okay," I assured her. Mindy had always been a strong lawyer with a good reputation.
"No, it's not!" she screeched. "My boss pulled me aside today as I was leaving..." she paused to blow her nose and take a shuddering breath, "and he told me that I needed to 'pull it together' or take some time off."
I sighed. I knew Mindy was going through a custody battle akin to World War II. "Min, what are you doing that your boss would say that?"
She sighed and blew her nose again. "I cried at my desk yesterday," she admitted. "And then, in a meeting... I didn't have my part of the presentation done. I've been late to work. I've... oh God a whole bunch of things. Look, I know you had a rough divorce and you... managed to keep it together." She hiccupped and sighed. "I need to know how you did it."
And here's what I told her:
One. Compartmentalize your life. When going through my divorce, my planner was my best friend. You can keep it in your phone, use your PC or (like me), do it the old-fashioned way and use one with actual paper. Either way, everything (yes, I mean that) got scheduled. Make dinner for tomorrow. Pick up kids from school. Prepare for Tuesday's meeting. Call the dentist. And of course, my favorite -- LMS. You can look at that planner and LMS was given a specific time every day. LMS specifically meant Losing My S**t. Which translated into crying, screaming in my car (yeah, I did it), cursing about my ex on the phone with my mother... anything that I needed to do that may have seemed irrational or completely off the hook if done at any other time. Most importantly, LMS cannot be done while at work. In the car on the drive home, in your kitchen while cooking dinner or even in bed after kids are asleep. But never, ever at the office. You may argue that you can't control when you lose it. But believe me, knowing you have a specific time that you can (and should) lose it actually helps. "I won't think about the papers Tom served on me now. I'll think about it at 6." File it away. Compartmentalize that because otherwise, it will take over every moment of your life.
Two. Be honest, but realistic. When I filed for divorce, I had a frank conversation with my boss about what was going on. When you chat with your supervisor, be realistic about the changes you're facing; whether those are time constraints or full schedule conflicts. If you foresee serious problems, ask if there is anyway for you to have a few hours extra one day a week, try to negotiate an earlier (or later) workday, an alternate schedule or simply see how much leeway you are going to have going through this period in your life. Smiling and telling everyone that you're "just fine," and it's business as usual might find you late at night still working at your desk, sobbing as you eat Nutella out of the jar while trying to finish a report. Not a pretty picture. If you don't have any leeway with your hours, then you will really need to...
Three. Enlist an army of support. If you now have to pick up kids from school at 3:30 p.m. and your workday doesn't end until 5:00 p.m., then you need to circle the wagons and rally the troops. Find other moms you know to help out, even if it's one day a week each. If you have family, ask them to lend a hand until you can work out something more permanent. If your kids need help with homework and you failed math, find out if there is after school student tutoring in the library. I used to work on spreadsheets as my kids got tutored in Science. Anything you can ask for help -- do it. Even if it's your mom who cooks dinner for you once a week; one less thing you have to do will help you keep your sanity.
You can make it through this difficult time without losing your mind -- or your job. And one day, one of your friends at work may stop by your desk and tearfully ask how you "kept it together." You can smile knowingly, pat her hand, and open your planner.
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
Saturday, December 19, 2015
Access to Genetic Resources and Sustainable Utilization in Colombia
By B&R Latin America IP LLC - Bogota, Colombia
When we think about the economic development of Colombia we have to consider the importance of the biological diversity that this country has and the need to manage it in a sustainable and balanced way in the light of the needs of today's world.
When we think about the economic development of Colombia we have to consider the importance of the biological diversity that this country has and the need to manage it in a sustainable and balanced way in the light of the needs of today's world.
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
7 Reasons Marriage Is On the Decline
After the victory of same-sex marriages being legalized in all 50 states, I came across a quote: "I fully support any marriage that doesn't involve me."
I laughed because it resonated. At age 43, with one marriage and one divorce behind me, with a teenager on the loom, the last thing on my mind is marriage. We've all also noticed young people choosing to opt out of marriage in general and be in committed relationships without the government paperwork instead. Marriage is an institution that is slowly crumbling.
I'm not saying, "Be single; forget marriage; it's not all it's cracked up to be." To each his own and there are many factors that are beautiful in a marriage. But my thoughts are about why single-hood is so appealing to people nowadays and how marriage is increasingly seen as a burden rather than the beautiful bond it used to be.
1) The issue of choice:
As early as decades ago, it was expected that we would all get married, pop out babies and live in a home with the white picket-fence. It's been engrained in our psyches since childhood. But that simply is not an idea that appeals to some people. They may or not marry, but the choice has to be theirs, not because their parents, aunts, grandmothers and society are reminding them that the clock is ticking. Young people are finding immense power in the notion of having a choice.
2) The pressures and losing one's identity that come with marriage:
As independent as you may think you are, marriage is about give and take (and that's how it should be), but some people don't want to lose their independence and give so equally. These people should not be in a marriage because it doesn't work unless it's equal all the way through. Maybe women don't want to cook dinner, go to social functions, befriend their partners' friends. As I mentioned in my last blog on divorce, even in marriage, it's not just a piece of paper; the dynamics of your life change in every area. And once kids come into the picture, there goes even the shred of autonomy you have! Young people today want to live life to the fullest and not be bogged down by anything. After the honeymoon phase, reality hits and they realize that ti's not really what they signed up for.
3) Marrying for the sake of marrying:
When we settle into a marriage because we feel we have found someone "good enough," right away, we're doomed. You should never "settle" in a marriage or marry someone good enough. A marriage is a partnership and you can't have a good one if you have settled with your spouse because the time was right or you had dated for (x) number of years. Down the road, you'll see that you settled, that marriage wan't exactly what you had in mind and by then, it's too late: the destiny of at least two people will have been changed.
4) There are still too many gender roles in a marriage:
This once's so cut and dry that even Cinderella would be running away from putting on the glass slipper. Women are still expected to do most of the parenting aspects, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, going grocery shopping, etc. On top of that, many women work. That's a lot to handle. So before you get into a marriage, make sure you are clear with your would-be spouse on how to break gender roles and handle household duties. (And yes, there are plenty of men who would.)
5) Working women:
Since the feminist movement, this is not a new concept. But women are increasingly reluctant to give up their careers to become housewives or stay-at-home moms, both of which are full-time an thankless jobs. They can also be immensely rewarding, but it is up to a woman to decide if that's what she wants or if it's thrown on her like a cloak after the ceremony. It is never Ok for your spouse to ask you to stop your goals and aspirations just because you are now Mrs. X.
6) Having kids out of wedlock is no longer seen the taboo it once was.
Couples can conceive or adopt a child and raise it together (or alone) without all the other aspects of marriage that come with it. Young people no long care "what people will say" and they're opting to choose to have babies but not husbands.
7) The need for freedom:
Whether as a wife or husband, you need freedom to pursue your interests, hobbies, and social engagements that don't involve your partner. I have seen way too many couples who are non-compatible in this area and I observe what I dub "married for the sake of being married." I revel in my single-hood when I'm around these married couples for extended periods of times. I see how much hostility, blame and just going-through-the-motions-type lives they are leading. Couples in their 40s act and sound like old married couples.
Marriage and growing old and sharing your life with someone can be beautiful. But I see two trends: marrying for all the wrong reasons and then one day regretting the decision and secondly, young people who no longer believe that you need to government and a five-star wedding to deem that you are each other's' soul mates.
If you're blissfully in love and think you are among the 50 percent who will stay together, by all means, go for it. But please have long, meaningful talks (and often) with your would-be spouse about your goals, responsibilities, dealbreakers, keeping your identity, etc. before you decide on the china pattern. A wedding is one night; a marriage, done right, is forever.
I laughed because it resonated. At age 43, with one marriage and one divorce behind me, with a teenager on the loom, the last thing on my mind is marriage. We've all also noticed young people choosing to opt out of marriage in general and be in committed relationships without the government paperwork instead. Marriage is an institution that is slowly crumbling.
I'm not saying, "Be single; forget marriage; it's not all it's cracked up to be." To each his own and there are many factors that are beautiful in a marriage. But my thoughts are about why single-hood is so appealing to people nowadays and how marriage is increasingly seen as a burden rather than the beautiful bond it used to be.
1) The issue of choice:
As early as decades ago, it was expected that we would all get married, pop out babies and live in a home with the white picket-fence. It's been engrained in our psyches since childhood. But that simply is not an idea that appeals to some people. They may or not marry, but the choice has to be theirs, not because their parents, aunts, grandmothers and society are reminding them that the clock is ticking. Young people are finding immense power in the notion of having a choice.
2) The pressures and losing one's identity that come with marriage:
As independent as you may think you are, marriage is about give and take (and that's how it should be), but some people don't want to lose their independence and give so equally. These people should not be in a marriage because it doesn't work unless it's equal all the way through. Maybe women don't want to cook dinner, go to social functions, befriend their partners' friends. As I mentioned in my last blog on divorce, even in marriage, it's not just a piece of paper; the dynamics of your life change in every area. And once kids come into the picture, there goes even the shred of autonomy you have! Young people today want to live life to the fullest and not be bogged down by anything. After the honeymoon phase, reality hits and they realize that ti's not really what they signed up for.
3) Marrying for the sake of marrying:
When we settle into a marriage because we feel we have found someone "good enough," right away, we're doomed. You should never "settle" in a marriage or marry someone good enough. A marriage is a partnership and you can't have a good one if you have settled with your spouse because the time was right or you had dated for (x) number of years. Down the road, you'll see that you settled, that marriage wan't exactly what you had in mind and by then, it's too late: the destiny of at least two people will have been changed.
4) There are still too many gender roles in a marriage:
This once's so cut and dry that even Cinderella would be running away from putting on the glass slipper. Women are still expected to do most of the parenting aspects, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, going grocery shopping, etc. On top of that, many women work. That's a lot to handle. So before you get into a marriage, make sure you are clear with your would-be spouse on how to break gender roles and handle household duties. (And yes, there are plenty of men who would.)
5) Working women:
Since the feminist movement, this is not a new concept. But women are increasingly reluctant to give up their careers to become housewives or stay-at-home moms, both of which are full-time an thankless jobs. They can also be immensely rewarding, but it is up to a woman to decide if that's what she wants or if it's thrown on her like a cloak after the ceremony. It is never Ok for your spouse to ask you to stop your goals and aspirations just because you are now Mrs. X.
6) Having kids out of wedlock is no longer seen the taboo it once was.
Couples can conceive or adopt a child and raise it together (or alone) without all the other aspects of marriage that come with it. Young people no long care "what people will say" and they're opting to choose to have babies but not husbands.
7) The need for freedom:
Whether as a wife or husband, you need freedom to pursue your interests, hobbies, and social engagements that don't involve your partner. I have seen way too many couples who are non-compatible in this area and I observe what I dub "married for the sake of being married." I revel in my single-hood when I'm around these married couples for extended periods of times. I see how much hostility, blame and just going-through-the-motions-type lives they are leading. Couples in their 40s act and sound like old married couples.
Marriage and growing old and sharing your life with someone can be beautiful. But I see two trends: marrying for all the wrong reasons and then one day regretting the decision and secondly, young people who no longer believe that you need to government and a five-star wedding to deem that you are each other's' soul mates.
If you're blissfully in love and think you are among the 50 percent who will stay together, by all means, go for it. But please have long, meaningful talks (and often) with your would-be spouse about your goals, responsibilities, dealbreakers, keeping your identity, etc. before you decide on the china pattern. A wedding is one night; a marriage, done right, is forever.
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
Why Your Apology Wasn't Accepted (and How to Make Sure Your Next One Is)
Last week, a client told me that after a three-week stint of tension and arguments, her husband finally apologized for racking up credit card debt without telling her and apologized.
She promptly told him where to go and how to get there.
When talking about her reaction she explained:
As toddlers, the repeated message is to say "you're sorry." As kids, we learn to parrot this phrase on cue whenever we make a mistake and we're led to believe that if we just say we're sorry that everything will be ok in the end. As adults, we learn quickly that just isn't true.
Apologizing and making amends is not as simple as just saying the words. If you've ever apologized and then found yourself trying to figure out why you are still in conflict, chances are that your apology missed the mark:
You Sang the Same Song on a Different Day.
Apologies quickly lose their worth when they aren't quickly followed by a change in behavior. If you're apologizing for the same thing over and over again, it doesn't matter how thoughtfully you apologize. No one is going to believe you until they see a change in you.
Thoughtful apologies should include a statement of intent: "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I spoke too quickly and my sarcasm ran away with me. I want to be more careful about what I joke about."
Your apologies will have more credibility when you acknowledge and say out loud that you recognize what needs to change.
The Intensity of Your Apology Didn't Match the Intensity of Your Actions.
That moment when you realize you really messed up can be awful, especially when it wasn't your intent to be hurtful or disrespectful. It's tempting to want to rush to get the whole thing over with and offer a speedy apology.
However, the size of your apology should match or exceed the size of your mistake. You can't apologize for yelling and swearing with the same casual air you offer when you bump into someone. If you really hurt someone, you have to really apologize!
You Apologized Too Soon.
I struggle the most with this one. If I've acted out, been impulsive, or said something hurtful, I typically want to take it back and swallow my words immediately. I've been known to trip over myself offering hurried apologies in an effort to fix the damage as soon as possible. Although well-intentioned on my part, that's really more about me soothing myself from my guilt than by taking care of the other person.
Sometimes people need to stay mad for a while. They can't downshift from hurt to forgiveness in 60 seconds.
Try checking in with the person before launching in to your apology."I feel pretty lousy about what I just said. Can we talk about it?"
If the other person sees that you are respecting their experience by allowing them to have their reaction, they're more likely to listen more openly when they're ready.
You Came to the Conversation With Armor On.
It's so hard not to enter these tough talks defensively.
You're really putting yourself out there by apologizing and it's not unheard of that an injured party will try to make themselves feel better by making you feel worse. Of course you want to protect yourself from the sting that could come if your apology were rejected or from another round of conflict.
However, the only way that apologies work to clear the air is if they are done openly. It's vulnerable to apologize but if you try to avoid vulnerability, the other person will sense that and interpret you to again be caring more about yourself than them.
It Really is Too Little Too Late
Sometimes, you just don't show up in time. If you're going around and round on the same issue or are always fighting about the same thing, sometimes the other person is just done. If you're managing a chronic problem with someone, it helps to acknowledge that you get that it's chronic and how frustrating it must be to have the same conversation over and over again.
Sometimes, there will just be nothing you can do but by staying open, you're keeping the door open for improved communication, understanding, and connection.
She promptly told him where to go and how to get there.
When talking about her reaction she explained:
I just couldn't be bothered. He was so monotone and flat. Sure, he said the words but there was no emotion behind his words, no sense of any real remorse. He didn't seem to get that I felt tricked, betrayed, and lied to. He just thought it was the same old argument about money
As toddlers, the repeated message is to say "you're sorry." As kids, we learn to parrot this phrase on cue whenever we make a mistake and we're led to believe that if we just say we're sorry that everything will be ok in the end. As adults, we learn quickly that just isn't true.
Apologizing and making amends is not as simple as just saying the words. If you've ever apologized and then found yourself trying to figure out why you are still in conflict, chances are that your apology missed the mark:
You Sang the Same Song on a Different Day.
Apologies quickly lose their worth when they aren't quickly followed by a change in behavior. If you're apologizing for the same thing over and over again, it doesn't matter how thoughtfully you apologize. No one is going to believe you until they see a change in you.
Thoughtful apologies should include a statement of intent: "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I spoke too quickly and my sarcasm ran away with me. I want to be more careful about what I joke about."
Your apologies will have more credibility when you acknowledge and say out loud that you recognize what needs to change.
The Intensity of Your Apology Didn't Match the Intensity of Your Actions.
That moment when you realize you really messed up can be awful, especially when it wasn't your intent to be hurtful or disrespectful. It's tempting to want to rush to get the whole thing over with and offer a speedy apology.
However, the size of your apology should match or exceed the size of your mistake. You can't apologize for yelling and swearing with the same casual air you offer when you bump into someone. If you really hurt someone, you have to really apologize!
- Be mindful of your body language, posture, word choice and word tone. You want to express empathy and concern.
- State clearly what you know your mistake to be
- Offer some understanding as to why you know it was hurtful or how the other person must have felt or been affected
- Without blaming the injured party, offer some explanation or insight as to what was going on for you when the mistake happened. What went wrong? What had you been thinking or feeling at the time.
- Offer the person an opportunity to share anything they might want to about how they were affected by what happened.
You Apologized Too Soon.
I struggle the most with this one. If I've acted out, been impulsive, or said something hurtful, I typically want to take it back and swallow my words immediately. I've been known to trip over myself offering hurried apologies in an effort to fix the damage as soon as possible. Although well-intentioned on my part, that's really more about me soothing myself from my guilt than by taking care of the other person.
Sometimes people need to stay mad for a while. They can't downshift from hurt to forgiveness in 60 seconds.
Try checking in with the person before launching in to your apology."I feel pretty lousy about what I just said. Can we talk about it?"
If the other person sees that you are respecting their experience by allowing them to have their reaction, they're more likely to listen more openly when they're ready.
You Came to the Conversation With Armor On.
It's so hard not to enter these tough talks defensively.
You're really putting yourself out there by apologizing and it's not unheard of that an injured party will try to make themselves feel better by making you feel worse. Of course you want to protect yourself from the sting that could come if your apology were rejected or from another round of conflict.
However, the only way that apologies work to clear the air is if they are done openly. It's vulnerable to apologize but if you try to avoid vulnerability, the other person will sense that and interpret you to again be caring more about yourself than them.
It Really is Too Little Too Late
Sometimes, you just don't show up in time. If you're going around and round on the same issue or are always fighting about the same thing, sometimes the other person is just done. If you're managing a chronic problem with someone, it helps to acknowledge that you get that it's chronic and how frustrating it must be to have the same conversation over and over again.
Sometimes, there will just be nothing you can do but by staying open, you're keeping the door open for improved communication, understanding, and connection.
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
Friday, November 13, 2015
Divorce Confidential: Alimony -- Are You On The Hook?
Alimony. It's a hot button issue in divorce and something many individuals have a hard time dealing with after the breakup. It seems unfair, when one spouse is ordered to pay a hefty sum each month towards the daily living costs and lifestyle choices of their ex-spouse. These individuals are no longer connected, yet the financial obligation continues -- sometimes indefinitely. For many, a sense of relief and freedom is celebrated after the last and final alimony payment is made. Although unfortunate, alimony is a reality for most divorcing couples and cannot be avoided. So what do you need to know about alimony? Here are the basics and some tips on how to navigate this issue in your divorce:
1. How is Spousal Support Determined? There are several factors the courts will consider when ordering spousal support. Primarily, the court will look at both you and your spouse's gross monthly income. "Income" under California Family Code includes income from a wide variety of sources including commissions, salaries, royalties, wages, bonuses, dividends, and trust income among other things. Once gross income is determined for each spouse, the numbers are placed into an online support calculator that automatically generates the amount owed from one spouse to the other. The court will also look at the length of the marriage, which will determine the time a spouse is on the hook for alimony. In California the duration of marriage is tied to the duration of the spousal support obligation. If a marriage is less than 10 years, spousal support will not be ordered for longer than half the length of the marriage. If a marriage is over 10 years, a spouse may be required to pay alimony to an ex-spouse for an extended period -- sometimes an indefinite period -- of time. Speak to an attorney licensed in your state or country to determine how spousal support is determined and your exposure to this potential obligation.
2. Other Factors Considered By Courts: In ordering spousal support, the court may look at other factors like the standard of living during the marriage, the ability of the paying spouse to contribute to alimony and the supported spouse's capacity to earn money. Your age and health are also factors in alimony payments. If there is a history of domestic violence or criminal conviction, this will also be an important factor in whether spousal support is ordered by the court; if a spouse has been found to be a domestic violence perpetrator, it is unlikely s/he can then ask for alimony payments from the victim spouse. If you and your ex are on good terms and both agree to terms and conditions for alimony payments, then you may memorialize it in a written agreement. For example, if you have the ability to propose a buy-out for spousal support, that may be an option to avoid ongoing monthly payments to your ex.
3. Should You Refuse Alimony? One benefit of refusing alimony is the ability to cut ties with an ex and move forward with a clean slate. Others refuse alimony because they can support themselves. Some individuals feel that alimony is offensive to the modern adult. But whether you forego alimony is a personal decision. You may not have the option to forego alimony if you have not been employed for an extended period and it would be difficult for you to enter the workforce. If you receive alimony and have not worked for some time but would like to experience the challenges and successes of a career, you may want to use this opportunity to explore options and work towards entering back into the workforce. If you can work, a court may even require you to enter the workforce based on prior work experience, skill, and education.
This is only a quick summary of some issues related to spousal support; many other layers are associated with alimony in divorce. For example, if you are divorced and cohabitating with someone new and plan to get remarried, this may affect alimony payments. In California, if you remarry, alimony will cease. Keep in mind, if you are supporting an ex-spouse and your income reduces drastically to where you can't keep up with alimony payments, this is something to discuss with your attorney without delay. As with all legal aspects of a divorce, you should always make sure you are well-informed before making a decision or going to court.
1. How is Spousal Support Determined? There are several factors the courts will consider when ordering spousal support. Primarily, the court will look at both you and your spouse's gross monthly income. "Income" under California Family Code includes income from a wide variety of sources including commissions, salaries, royalties, wages, bonuses, dividends, and trust income among other things. Once gross income is determined for each spouse, the numbers are placed into an online support calculator that automatically generates the amount owed from one spouse to the other. The court will also look at the length of the marriage, which will determine the time a spouse is on the hook for alimony. In California the duration of marriage is tied to the duration of the spousal support obligation. If a marriage is less than 10 years, spousal support will not be ordered for longer than half the length of the marriage. If a marriage is over 10 years, a spouse may be required to pay alimony to an ex-spouse for an extended period -- sometimes an indefinite period -- of time. Speak to an attorney licensed in your state or country to determine how spousal support is determined and your exposure to this potential obligation.
2. Other Factors Considered By Courts: In ordering spousal support, the court may look at other factors like the standard of living during the marriage, the ability of the paying spouse to contribute to alimony and the supported spouse's capacity to earn money. Your age and health are also factors in alimony payments. If there is a history of domestic violence or criminal conviction, this will also be an important factor in whether spousal support is ordered by the court; if a spouse has been found to be a domestic violence perpetrator, it is unlikely s/he can then ask for alimony payments from the victim spouse. If you and your ex are on good terms and both agree to terms and conditions for alimony payments, then you may memorialize it in a written agreement. For example, if you have the ability to propose a buy-out for spousal support, that may be an option to avoid ongoing monthly payments to your ex.
3. Should You Refuse Alimony? One benefit of refusing alimony is the ability to cut ties with an ex and move forward with a clean slate. Others refuse alimony because they can support themselves. Some individuals feel that alimony is offensive to the modern adult. But whether you forego alimony is a personal decision. You may not have the option to forego alimony if you have not been employed for an extended period and it would be difficult for you to enter the workforce. If you receive alimony and have not worked for some time but would like to experience the challenges and successes of a career, you may want to use this opportunity to explore options and work towards entering back into the workforce. If you can work, a court may even require you to enter the workforce based on prior work experience, skill, and education.
This is only a quick summary of some issues related to spousal support; many other layers are associated with alimony in divorce. For example, if you are divorced and cohabitating with someone new and plan to get remarried, this may affect alimony payments. In California, if you remarry, alimony will cease. Keep in mind, if you are supporting an ex-spouse and your income reduces drastically to where you can't keep up with alimony payments, this is something to discuss with your attorney without delay. As with all legal aspects of a divorce, you should always make sure you are well-informed before making a decision or going to court.
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Dating Diary 6: The Prospect Of Sex With A New Lover Means A Grooming Dilemma
This week, sex with a new partner is on the cards for High50's dating columnist, Louisa Whitehead-Payne. But the thought of being seen naked raises a hairy dilemma about grooming her pubic area.
My dog-walking first date with the Muddy Farmer, he of the cornflower blue eyes, has turned into six dates. He's a slow starter on the sex front ... not even a kiss yet. But, nonetheless, we like each other and I'd go there if he asked. So I figure I need to be fully prepped in the nether regions.
But what to do on the depilation front? The last time I was naked in front of a new man was decades ago. I am, in fact, sporting the full Gwyneth.
When Leonardo says in The Wolf of Wall Street that these days women have "no hair below the eyebrows" I feel a mild sense of panic. What the hell do men expect now? A light haircut? Eagle-bald? Vajazzles?
I call my best pal, Angela, with whom I share every twist and turn of my dating life.
"Ange..." I ask, "what do I do with my minge?"
"Strip the lot off," comes the crisp and definitive reply. "Nothing worse than a hoary fanny."
Grey Pubic Hair: Should It Stay Or Should It Go?
Well, that's that then. A touch of silver is clearly a no-no on the nou-nou. But I have my doubts. I am not so sure what 55-year-old farmers expect. He might find no hair at all offputtingly porny. What on earth is normal? The media is so sexualized that the bare-bottomed look could be the stuff of porn-driven fantasies for all I know.
On the horns of the hoary dilemma, I share the problem with a gay pal, who identifies immediately with the situation. He had the self-same dilemma when he finished with his partner of 15 years about five years ago. A friend even drew pictures of pubic topiary options for him on a table napkin at The Wolseley.
But it was clearly a major issue for him and, I suspect, for many of us who settled down in the eighties and have re-emerged in the over-groomed teenies. The only thing you had to worry about then was keeping your pubes in your bikini. None the wiser, I decide to investigate further.
Radical Waxing Solutions
Unfortunately, Google serves up nothing but porn videos and local beauty salons, who I rather feel have a vested interest in the more radical waxing solutions.
Then I remember another pal who is a police officer and strip searches loads of women. A real-life research sample. OK, a low-life sample, but the best I can think of.
"Jen, what should I do on the pubic topiary front?" I ask. "Keep it neat! Whatever you do, don't wax the lot. Everything droops as you age and the ones I've seen look vile."
I am now in the depths of depilatory despair. With hair, it's grey and grisly. Without, it's droopy and depressing. Perhaps I won't sleep with the Muddy Farmer after all.
I decide to get a grip. A little neatly cropped pepper and salt seems the lesser of two evils compared to him running screaming from the room at the sight of my bald, drooping, aged fanny.
Men And Grey Pubic Hair
And so to the waxer. Normal bikini line, please, thank you very much! I ask her about her male customers. There are hundreds of guys in their 50s having the lot stripped off to eliminate the aging appearance of grey hairs and to make themselves look bigger. Now I not only have to worry about my own nether regions but also what I might find in my farmer's trousers.
If only L'Oreal knew the insecurities that lie below our belts. A whole range of products could eliminate the six signs of genital aging. Visibly reduce the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles. A big plus on hairless testicles, I would have thought.
All I have to do is wait for the Muddy Farmer to make a move. Even if it all looks pretty and meets expectations, I pray that it is still in working order. It's been a while. Five years. And that is an even scarier thought...
As I later discover, you can do what you like down below. The truth is, the man will be so terrified about his own performance, and delighted to be sleeping with anyone at all, that he probably won't even notice. Do with it whatever makes you feel sexy. Because if you feel sexy, you probably will be.
Related Articles From High50
My Husband Left Me For A Younger Woman - So Now I'm Online Dating
OMG, I'm Dating My Dad! A First Date With A Man Over 50
Why Do Women Over 50 Endure Online Dating? Men Lie About Their Age And All Want Younger Women
My dog-walking first date with the Muddy Farmer, he of the cornflower blue eyes, has turned into six dates. He's a slow starter on the sex front ... not even a kiss yet. But, nonetheless, we like each other and I'd go there if he asked. So I figure I need to be fully prepped in the nether regions.
But what to do on the depilation front? The last time I was naked in front of a new man was decades ago. I am, in fact, sporting the full Gwyneth.
When Leonardo says in The Wolf of Wall Street that these days women have "no hair below the eyebrows" I feel a mild sense of panic. What the hell do men expect now? A light haircut? Eagle-bald? Vajazzles?
I call my best pal, Angela, with whom I share every twist and turn of my dating life.
"Ange..." I ask, "what do I do with my minge?"
"Strip the lot off," comes the crisp and definitive reply. "Nothing worse than a hoary fanny."
Grey Pubic Hair: Should It Stay Or Should It Go?
Well, that's that then. A touch of silver is clearly a no-no on the nou-nou. But I have my doubts. I am not so sure what 55-year-old farmers expect. He might find no hair at all offputtingly porny. What on earth is normal? The media is so sexualized that the bare-bottomed look could be the stuff of porn-driven fantasies for all I know.
On the horns of the hoary dilemma, I share the problem with a gay pal, who identifies immediately with the situation. He had the self-same dilemma when he finished with his partner of 15 years about five years ago. A friend even drew pictures of pubic topiary options for him on a table napkin at The Wolseley.
But it was clearly a major issue for him and, I suspect, for many of us who settled down in the eighties and have re-emerged in the over-groomed teenies. The only thing you had to worry about then was keeping your pubes in your bikini. None the wiser, I decide to investigate further.
Radical Waxing Solutions
Unfortunately, Google serves up nothing but porn videos and local beauty salons, who I rather feel have a vested interest in the more radical waxing solutions.
Then I remember another pal who is a police officer and strip searches loads of women. A real-life research sample. OK, a low-life sample, but the best I can think of.
"Jen, what should I do on the pubic topiary front?" I ask. "Keep it neat! Whatever you do, don't wax the lot. Everything droops as you age and the ones I've seen look vile."
I am now in the depths of depilatory despair. With hair, it's grey and grisly. Without, it's droopy and depressing. Perhaps I won't sleep with the Muddy Farmer after all.
I decide to get a grip. A little neatly cropped pepper and salt seems the lesser of two evils compared to him running screaming from the room at the sight of my bald, drooping, aged fanny.
Men And Grey Pubic Hair
And so to the waxer. Normal bikini line, please, thank you very much! I ask her about her male customers. There are hundreds of guys in their 50s having the lot stripped off to eliminate the aging appearance of grey hairs and to make themselves look bigger. Now I not only have to worry about my own nether regions but also what I might find in my farmer's trousers.
If only L'Oreal knew the insecurities that lie below our belts. A whole range of products could eliminate the six signs of genital aging. Visibly reduce the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles. A big plus on hairless testicles, I would have thought.
All I have to do is wait for the Muddy Farmer to make a move. Even if it all looks pretty and meets expectations, I pray that it is still in working order. It's been a while. Five years. And that is an even scarier thought...
As I later discover, you can do what you like down below. The truth is, the man will be so terrified about his own performance, and delighted to be sleeping with anyone at all, that he probably won't even notice. Do with it whatever makes you feel sexy. Because if you feel sexy, you probably will be.
Related Articles From High50
My Husband Left Me For A Younger Woman - So Now I'm Online Dating
OMG, I'm Dating My Dad! A First Date With A Man Over 50
Why Do Women Over 50 Endure Online Dating? Men Lie About Their Age And All Want Younger Women
Earlier on Huff/Post50:
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
What it's Like to Be the "Ross" of the Family
As my parents' 35th anniversary approaches, I've been thinking a little bit about what it means to be the only divorced person in my immediate family (and most of my circles of friends, too). See, I come from a very conservatively religious family, one that takes marriage very seriously (as they should. I mean "until death do us part" isn't supposed to be a punch line, right?). So divorce is pretty uncommon. In addition to my parents, my grandparents have celebrated over 60 years together, and my sisters are both 5 years into their wedded bliss. Despite the longstanding family tradition, divorce came calling at my door, and I, unfortunately, had to answer.
Since then, my dad has lovingly referred to me as "Ross." If you aren't familiar with the show Friends (for starters, I don't think we can be friends), Ross is the only member in a group of twenty-somethings who has been divorced and is a single parent. Although Ross is arguably the worst character on the show, I can empathize with him. It's not easy being the only divorced member of a group, even if that group is your own family. Here are a few observations I've made as my time as "Ross":
It can be lonely, irksome, and even downright frustrating to be the "Ross" of your circle. You may feel like no one will ever understand what you're going through. And you're right--unless they go through it, they won't; they can't. And that's okay. Because we don't love people because they share all of the same experiences as us. We love them because, at our lowest, they look at us and say, "I'll be there for you."
Since then, my dad has lovingly referred to me as "Ross." If you aren't familiar with the show Friends (for starters, I don't think we can be friends), Ross is the only member in a group of twenty-somethings who has been divorced and is a single parent. Although Ross is arguably the worst character on the show, I can empathize with him. It's not easy being the only divorced member of a group, even if that group is your own family. Here are a few observations I've made as my time as "Ross":
- You can't expect people who haven't been through it to know how divorce feels. They can sympathize, but they won't truly understand the grieving process that accompanies the death of a relationship.
- You can be completely happy for the couples in your life and completely envious at the same time.
- Sometimes you'll have your kids at get-togethers; sometimes you won't. When you don't, you'll have to explain why (even though it is seemingly obvious).
- People will take a very vested interest in your love life (usually harmless, often annoying).
- You will have to keep your mouth closed when you witness other couples argue over whose turn it is to take care of a child or complete a household chore.
- Some will wonder why you would even want to date or marry again after everything you've been through.
- Like Ross, you might have to struggle not to be defined by your divorce. I am more than a divorcee--I'm a mother, daughter, aunt, writer, professor, friend, avid Netflix watcher--and you are, too.
- Life will go on. For your friends. For your family. And for you. The waves of loneliness may hit at different times for varying reasons, but things will gradually get better.
It can be lonely, irksome, and even downright frustrating to be the "Ross" of your circle. You may feel like no one will ever understand what you're going through. And you're right--unless they go through it, they won't; they can't. And that's okay. Because we don't love people because they share all of the same experiences as us. We love them because, at our lowest, they look at us and say, "I'll be there for you."
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
Thursday, September 10, 2015
7 Ways to Deal With Red-Flags in a Relationship
Finding and creating healthy relationships is hard work and many people do not have the energy or patience for this type of effort. It is a normal human desire to want to be in relationships which are mutually respectful; however, when we are not in these types of relationships we tend to, either, blame ourselves for the problems and make efforts to change, or we try and change the other person rather than simply acknowledging the relationship is dysfunctional and toxic.
1. Be rational not emotional.
Rather than wasting a lot of mental and emotional energy worrying about whether someone likes or approves of you, take a moment to analyze if what you are feeling inside, all the butterflies, adrenalin and excitement, is simply chemical.
You can feel chemistry with people who are not good for you, and you most often do. If you get lost in feelings of lust you could easily end up in a toxic relationship. You have to ask yourself if the person you are interested in has most, if not all of the qualities, you are looking for in a relationship.
2. Be comfortable being alone.
The most common reason people stay in dysfunctional relationships is the fear of being alone. Initially it can be very hard and painful to be alone because we are naturally built to be in love and bonded with another. Keep in mind that before you can have a successful and fulfilling relationship with another, it is vital you develop a solid relationship with yourself.
If you are uncomfortable being alone, then it will be an important task for you to come to a place where you truly enjoy your own company. Learning to be alone is a process, but it is much better than being in an unhealthy relationship filled with chaos and drama.
3. Learn to meet your own needs.
Never let anyone do for you what you can do for yourself when it comes to self-care and personal responsibilities. No one else was placed in your life for the sole purpose of taking care of it for you. Needing others to be your end-all makes you very difficult and draining to love. You are responsible for whatever needs fixing in your life.
You will feel more confident and pick partners who respect you when you can do life on your own in the areas of career, debts, taking care of your health etc. It is through the pristine management of your own life that you develop self-love and self-respect. Self-respect is something others find very attractive. When you respect yourself, you will never settle for someone who doesn't respect you.
4. Know your limits and stick to them.
You teach people how to treat you. You are consistently sending out clues to others about how you want to be treated. These clues are your limits or boundaries. The limits you set serve as your deal-breakers of what you will and will not tolerate. They communicate how much value you assign to things like honesty, respect and reliability. They also communicate what you need in terms of personal space, time alone, or how much physical affection and romance you need.
When you honor your limits, you don't allow others to manipulate, control, or guilt you. When you boldly set limits in your relationships you quickly weed out those who do not have your best interest at heart, thereby, upholding your integrity and self-worth.
5. Choose positive people.
Make it a point to choose positive, motivated and uplifting people. Chronic negativity in a person is a red flag. You want to surround yourself with people who are consciously doing the work to improve their own lives and are invested in personal development.
When you surround yourself with those who want to be successful, who commit to accomplishing their dreams they will take you along on their ride. Successful, happy people naturally teach and mentor others who are appreciative of them in return. Having high quality people in your life gives you points of reference in the areas of improvement you need to work on in all of your relationships.
6. Be what you look for.
You must be the list of what you are looking for in others. To choose and find healthy relationships you must be a person who is trustworthy. You must keep your promises and have integrity in word, deed and action. You must be protective and defend yourself if you hear gossip about yourself and do whatever you can to stand up to non-truths, as you would do no less for others.
Have a sense of confidentiality about you. Keep the secrets of those you love and never gossip about them. Hold a non-competitive stance, never striving to be "better" or out-do those closest to you. Operate with a sense of mutuality in conversations where you are willing to listen as much as you are willing to share. Be available. Make time for people.
7. Trust your gut.
Your body is built with a sixth sense to other people's energies and intentions. Pay close attention to all warning signals alerting you to someone who may be a toxic or drama-addicted. If you feel used, gut-check this feeling. You may find you are in a one-sided relationship where you are doing all the giving. If you find yourself feeling guilty, you may be in a relationship with someone who overtly or covertly makes you feel you owe them. If you are always angry around someone you may be with a person who is undermining you. If you feel drained after a person leaves, this is a sign that you may be in a relationship that is not mutually beneficial. When you have the desire to avoid someone, this is a clear signal this is a relationship that is not good for you. You have to trust your gut. In a healthy relationships, these feelings would not be present on any level of consistency.
It is vital to your self-respect and well-being to remove yourself from relationships which are full of red flags. All couples in healthy relationships have a certain level of conflict and disagreement. It is when conflict is chronic that it becomes toxic. Take your time in getting to know people before you fully commit to a relationship. At the first sign of a red-flag, acknowledge it and communicate about it immediately. Set clear limits on what you are not willing to tolerate and then if it happens again do not excuse the red-flag. You need to leave. It may feel uncomfortable or you may be afraid you will appear as if you are not willing to be flexible when you put conditions on people, but if you refuse to do it, you will deplete yourself of your own energy reserves. It all boils down to respect.
Sherapy Advice: If the people in your life truly care about you, they will respect your limits.
1. Be rational not emotional.
Rather than wasting a lot of mental and emotional energy worrying about whether someone likes or approves of you, take a moment to analyze if what you are feeling inside, all the butterflies, adrenalin and excitement, is simply chemical.
You can feel chemistry with people who are not good for you, and you most often do. If you get lost in feelings of lust you could easily end up in a toxic relationship. You have to ask yourself if the person you are interested in has most, if not all of the qualities, you are looking for in a relationship.
2. Be comfortable being alone.
The most common reason people stay in dysfunctional relationships is the fear of being alone. Initially it can be very hard and painful to be alone because we are naturally built to be in love and bonded with another. Keep in mind that before you can have a successful and fulfilling relationship with another, it is vital you develop a solid relationship with yourself.
If you are uncomfortable being alone, then it will be an important task for you to come to a place where you truly enjoy your own company. Learning to be alone is a process, but it is much better than being in an unhealthy relationship filled with chaos and drama.
3. Learn to meet your own needs.
Never let anyone do for you what you can do for yourself when it comes to self-care and personal responsibilities. No one else was placed in your life for the sole purpose of taking care of it for you. Needing others to be your end-all makes you very difficult and draining to love. You are responsible for whatever needs fixing in your life.
You will feel more confident and pick partners who respect you when you can do life on your own in the areas of career, debts, taking care of your health etc. It is through the pristine management of your own life that you develop self-love and self-respect. Self-respect is something others find very attractive. When you respect yourself, you will never settle for someone who doesn't respect you.
4. Know your limits and stick to them.
You teach people how to treat you. You are consistently sending out clues to others about how you want to be treated. These clues are your limits or boundaries. The limits you set serve as your deal-breakers of what you will and will not tolerate. They communicate how much value you assign to things like honesty, respect and reliability. They also communicate what you need in terms of personal space, time alone, or how much physical affection and romance you need.
When you honor your limits, you don't allow others to manipulate, control, or guilt you. When you boldly set limits in your relationships you quickly weed out those who do not have your best interest at heart, thereby, upholding your integrity and self-worth.
5. Choose positive people.
Make it a point to choose positive, motivated and uplifting people. Chronic negativity in a person is a red flag. You want to surround yourself with people who are consciously doing the work to improve their own lives and are invested in personal development.
When you surround yourself with those who want to be successful, who commit to accomplishing their dreams they will take you along on their ride. Successful, happy people naturally teach and mentor others who are appreciative of them in return. Having high quality people in your life gives you points of reference in the areas of improvement you need to work on in all of your relationships.
6. Be what you look for.
You must be the list of what you are looking for in others. To choose and find healthy relationships you must be a person who is trustworthy. You must keep your promises and have integrity in word, deed and action. You must be protective and defend yourself if you hear gossip about yourself and do whatever you can to stand up to non-truths, as you would do no less for others.
Have a sense of confidentiality about you. Keep the secrets of those you love and never gossip about them. Hold a non-competitive stance, never striving to be "better" or out-do those closest to you. Operate with a sense of mutuality in conversations where you are willing to listen as much as you are willing to share. Be available. Make time for people.
7. Trust your gut.
Your body is built with a sixth sense to other people's energies and intentions. Pay close attention to all warning signals alerting you to someone who may be a toxic or drama-addicted. If you feel used, gut-check this feeling. You may find you are in a one-sided relationship where you are doing all the giving. If you find yourself feeling guilty, you may be in a relationship with someone who overtly or covertly makes you feel you owe them. If you are always angry around someone you may be with a person who is undermining you. If you feel drained after a person leaves, this is a sign that you may be in a relationship that is not mutually beneficial. When you have the desire to avoid someone, this is a clear signal this is a relationship that is not good for you. You have to trust your gut. In a healthy relationships, these feelings would not be present on any level of consistency.
It is vital to your self-respect and well-being to remove yourself from relationships which are full of red flags. All couples in healthy relationships have a certain level of conflict and disagreement. It is when conflict is chronic that it becomes toxic. Take your time in getting to know people before you fully commit to a relationship. At the first sign of a red-flag, acknowledge it and communicate about it immediately. Set clear limits on what you are not willing to tolerate and then if it happens again do not excuse the red-flag. You need to leave. It may feel uncomfortable or you may be afraid you will appear as if you are not willing to be flexible when you put conditions on people, but if you refuse to do it, you will deplete yourself of your own energy reserves. It all boils down to respect.
Sherapy Advice: If the people in your life truly care about you, they will respect your limits.
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
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