How to Celebrate Your Kid's Birthday As Co-Parents

As we near the end of the divorce process, my ex and I have celebrated every single holiday or anniversary apart at this point besides our daughter's birthday ... until this past week.

On the big official day when she turned 4, Dad was there to greet her in the morning and I was not. I felt like the worst mom ever. How do you sufficiently explain to a child that you can't see him or her because it's the other parent's day when your child is so little? At that point since it was her father's weekend and we had had a snowstorm which kept her at her dad's for an extra day since I was stuck in traffic home from work, I hadn't seen her in over four days. That never happens! I was literally jonesing to see my child. I just needed to see her face because Skype just isn't enough some days. It doesn't matter how connected we are with technology, when you're co-parenting nothing feels close enough sometimes unless you're with your children in the flesh. An eight minute video call can feel like torture. A tease reminding you that yes, you have a child but you are separated from this child and that that child is living a whole other life without you.

So since it was her birthday and we had been apart for so long, I decided to take a half day at work and pick her up from preschool, something I don't typically get to do.

When I entered the school to get her, she was coming back from gym class.

"Mommy! Mommy!" she squealed, running into my arms.

It was the best feeling. I was missed as much as she had been missed. We spent the day playing and then met up with my father and a few of my close friends at a local restaurant for dinner and cake. My girl was happy. She wasn't crabby. Didn't question where Daddy was. She felt loved. All she was focused on was the ice cream cake. It was the best present I could receive.

But then a few days later came her big birthday party. My ex and I decided to celebrate together. His family, my family, our friends, and her little classmates came to bounce and play at a local bounce house in celebration of our girl turning the big 4. She had a fabulous time. My ex and I were good hosts. If you didn't know our situation, we looked just like any old happy family. And I wouldn't have changed a thing. There was no way our kid was going to split her classmates or friends up so Dad and I didn't have to celebrate together. We wanted her to have a good time, and she did.

There was this ache inside of me though. Despite appearances, we weren't going home together and no, he will never be my husband again and this is the right choice for everyone involved after much deliberation and therapy. There is no turning back. At moments in our divorce, there were times when it was questionable: is this really going to happen, we thought? Yes it is. I don't question the choice we made and in the end, our child will grow up in two happy environments instead of one very sad one, but I wonder when things won't feel so awkward still. When I won't grieve missing members of his family that I don't get to see so much anymore. When the weekends I don't have my child won't feel so empty and quiet. When it won't be so weird to be a family of two. It's been a year since we made our choice and most of the times I feel good and hopeful but sometimes when I least expect it, I feel such pangs of sadness.

In the end though, I am very proud we gathered together for our girl. I hope we continue to always put her first , our loving child who deserves that from the two of us as her parents. Despite our marital status she will always be the best thing to come out of our marriage.

The World Outside My Window

The world outside my window I‘ve seen it Dangling a carrot I ran off in hot pursuit Nothing told me that I shouldn’t Grab it So I did, though I preferred fresh fruit   Coveting this sweetness on a platter … Continue reading →

The post The World Outside My Window appeared first on Divorced and Scared No More! by Tony

New Scam from Phone Number (425) 206-5635 Regarding Government Grants $9,000

By HG.org - Houston, Texas

We just received a phone call from a scammer informing us that we were entitled to $9,000 of Government Grants.

10 Thoughts You Have Before Moving In With A Significant Other

1. "Moving in together isn't a big deal. We basically spend every night together anyway. What could be different?" Good one.

2. "The big difference will be that we can do our own things over the weekend now without having to set aside time to hang out... and we can have more sex." Again, good one.

3. "But, wait, will everyone eventually stop hanging out with me because I live with a significant other? Are people just going to assume I'm hanging out with my S/O and not invite me places? Are people going to assume I'm now a boring, married person?" The answer: yes, probably. But boring, almost-married people can have fun too. You might have to do a lot of the "reaching out" and "plan making" but once you prove that you're still fun, all will be fine.

4. "Am I now on the fast track to marriage?" Seriously, stop right there. You're just moving in together. If you feel like getting engaged, go for it, but if not, don't. At least not yet. Moving in together is a step, but it certainly doesn't have to lead to marriage. Remember: it could also lead to breaking up, so proceed with caution.

5. "If I find myself drinking wine on a friend's couch at 3:00 a.m. can I sleep there or do I always have to go home now? I don't want to go home to a boring apartment while everyone continues to party every weekend night." This one depends on your age, but you're going to get over this one pretttttty quickly. Don't worry.

6. "I can start cooking meals for two now!" When you're only cooking for yourself, there's no point of cooking elaborate meals. But now, you can dabble in the Crockpot. You can cook things without having to worry about what you'll do with the leftovers... or worrying that you'll eat it all and gain 10 pounds because you would most definitely eat it all.

7. "What am I going to do when I have to go to the bathroom? Like, will he notice if I'm in the bathroom for a long time? Will he ever hear me going to the bathroom?" We are all humans. We all poop. Yes, that's right. Girls poop. It's inevitable that this is going to happen. As Elsa in Frozen says, let it go. Or just turn up the volume on the TV before you enter the bathroom. Or do your business with the door open. Do what you feel. Everyone has different comfort levels. You'll figure something out.

8. "How are we going to have alone time -- like alone time from each other?" Before moving in together, it's all about finding "alone time" for the two of you to be together. But after you move in, you're going to have to find alone time... for yourself. Especially because you're going to annoy the f**k out of each other at times. And especially to call family and friends to complain about your new roommate, I mean, significant other.

9. "What if we break up?" Valid question. Hopefully you won't, but go into it thinking you might because, well, you might. Make a game plan beforehand in case you do, because if you do cut ties, moving out and moving on is easier said than done. You might think, "oh I'll just move out" or, "he'll just move out," but when neither one of you wants to move out and money and furniture are involved, it becomes a whole thing. Don't let this deter you from moving in together though. If you feel ready to take the plunge, why wait when you can figure out if you're compatible now? A breakup could happen at any time -- even 30 years down the line when you're married with kids. So basically whatever happens, happens. #Life

10. "I really think this will be fine. I mean, what doesn't he/she know about me already!?" Your inner freak has been waiting for it's time to shine ever since you started dating. You won't be able to keep that part of you inside 24 hours a day, seven days a week though -- and neither will your partner. But if you learn to love each other's crazy, then you, my friend, will find true love. Good luck!

This post originally appeared on Forever Twenty Somethings.





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What We Learn From Break-Ups

Are they really the end, or are they the beginning to understanding more and more of what we want and need?

Break-ups are never easy. They aren't the actual closure to your feelings and thoughts towards your ex. Rather, break-ups are the point in time when we must deal with our own feelings, our own sadness, our own ideas of love and what we want.

Tears are shed. Honest conversations with ourselves are had. Waves of happy to ok to completely heartbroken flow in the most elegant and eerie ways, and crash like the harshest of surfs.

From your keys, to a subway stop, to waking up alone, everything reminds you of the person you shared so much with.

Music sounds somber. Colors lose a slight bit of brightness. Touch is completely removed. Food is less exciting. Smells only remind you more of the person you no longer call yours.

This thing called a break-up is made even harder when one person has not done anything immensely wrong. It is simply a difference of the minds, of the hearts, of the souls. A love tank empty, a heart broken, an intertwined spirit unraveled.

There are many different scenarios that lead to break-ups, but one thing is certain, the love doesn't just disappear. You may do the breaking-up, or you may be the one broken-up with, but if the love was real, neither side of this lackluster coin feels like "winning."

You shared couches, meals, memories. You became each other's best friend, confidant, partner. You enhanced each other's comfort, ease, understanding. You started to build a life, introduced family, talked about the future. This person was not your everything, but rather the missing piece.

Then things changed.

The thoughtfulness, the acts of love, the communication all got lost in translation, or simply never arrived. You start to feel the exact opposite of how this person originally made you feel. Your happiness fades. Your eyes tire from tears. You know this simply is not working.

You've tried different ways to make yourself heard. You've made changes. You've done work.

You've given hints. You've been explicit. You've done it all.

It would be easier if someone had done something awful, but the truth is nothing makes this easier. Anger only masks the pain and sadness that eventually comes. You wish things had been different, but wishing only makes wishes. Actions hadn't been employed, and you are left with a heavy heart, not a heart-happy one.

You think back to the times it was magic, and it only makes it sadder.

You could be immature and negative, but it gets you no where, so you choose to honor the love you had, respect the time you spent together, and think of a future when maybe, just maybe, you and your ex can be friends.

Break-ups are not the end, nor are they the beginning. They are simply a time in your life that you must allow yourself to be present with some of your deepest feelings; feelings that surround your own happiness and ultimate life.

We must understand that if there was true love present then we were gifted one of the greatest pleasures of life.

We're not to speak poorly, focus on the bad times and leave that time in our lives in a box. We're meant to take the things we learned from that person, and cherish them, so that we may continue to grow. We shall plant a seed deep inside of us with that person's name so that a tree of knowledge can grow from the things we learned. We must honor the relationship, the good times, the love, so that we may ultimately honor ourselves.

Break-ups suck, but what sucks more is hating someone you once loved.

Allow time to take its course. Allow for breathing room to be felt. Allow for the universe to direct your destiny.

While break-ups are one of the hardest times in our lives, they're also a time to realize who you really are, so keep your head up, buttercup.

Remember it will all be okay. Give it time, and remember you have a beautiful life.

How Can Social Media Affect my Illinois Divorce?

By Mulyk, Laho & Mack, LLC - Glen Ellyn, Illinois

We live in an age where we constantly feel the need to let everyone in the world around us know exactly where we are at all times. This is made possible by social media sites such as Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and other similar networking and social sharing pages.

My Choice To Live

The first time I Ever chose to live Nothing in me died   Common sense showed all too clear Ordeals don’t ponder suicide My choice to live, what I Mean by this As if I had to choose Never lets … Continue reading →

The post My Choice To Live appeared first on Divorced and Scared No More! by Tony

What Nobody Tells You About Finalizing A Divorce

Nobody tells you that when it's over, it's not done.

The table is big and oak and could likely tell quite the tales of what it's seen. The pens are new, and the papers are crisp and official. The judge is old and he talks and talks and talks. He goes on and on. Only after do you realize that while you can't even speak or look up for fear of the tears, the judge does this every week. It's not the end of his chapter that he is signing, witnessing and notarizing; it's yours. It's not his partner, his family, his hopes or his dreams that he is declaring legally null and void, it's yours. So you decide not to hate him and instead to focus on breathing while he passes the papers around the room. You reply with the requested "yes" or "no" at the questions you are required to answer. You breathe evenly to keep your voice from cracking. And then, while you are focused on the inhale and exhale, on how the knot in the table looks like the knot in your stomach, everyone rises and shakes hands. And that's...it.

You knew that it wouldn't be easy and that you did not want what happened in this room to define the day. So in advance you asked if you could have lunch together. Eating and drinking were always something you were so good at doing together. So you go and you eat and you drink. You eat off of each other's plates because old habits die hard. You taste his drink because he insists and you've never been able to say no to him. You talk and you laugh and there are a few jabs but mostly it's OK because you pretend that it's not what it is, that it's just lunch. Then it's over and you stand on the street realizing that it's the most bizarre goodbye ever. You hug and congratulate each other for getting through it without killing each other. Then when you climb in your car, alone, you finally realize that the foreign feeling you couldn't place is numb. You've moved past angry, past heartbroken, past remorse. You feel completely and utterly numb.

So you drive and you walk in the cold, waiting for feeling to return to your fingertips, your feet and your brain. You breathe and try to connect with the relief you thought you'd feel. You cry and try to reach the bottom you thought you'd already hit. None of that comes.

So you go home and you move on. You live and laugh and work and parent and love and only when it's quiet do you allow yourself to know that there's no such thing as over. You have mounds of paperwork and finances to wade through. You have calendars to plan and holidays to coordinate and children who want their "family" to be as present as before. You have friends who expect you to show up. You have new relationships that fill you with hope but need to be introduced and explained with care and sensitivity.

So you go on and everything has changed, but a few things have not. You still can't seem to communicate well, you still seem to argue and hurt each other as much as you help and need each other. You still seem to see everything differently and feel everything differently. But most of all for you, you still love and miss and cry sometimes, too. And he still seems to hate all of that about you.

You realize it will never be done. Instead, you start to try to figure out what the next part will look like. And you hope that you two can do this part better. That you'll get there with practice, with patience that neither of you own, with faith that is tested daily, with compassion you've never given each other, with humility you will both need, and, most of all, with a reminder that there was love there once, and maybe for you, always.

Read more at Living Life Loudly.

Also on HuffPost:

Don Miguel Ruiz , The Four Agreements, His Surgery

  I recently interviewed don Miguel Ruiz , and the story he shared about his own life will amaze you.           Hi, I am David Essel, M.S. the Author 7 books and counting, National Radio and … Continue reading →

The post Don Miguel Ruiz , The Four Agreements, His Surgery appeared first on Divorced and Scared No More! by David Essel

What Your Girlfriends Won't Tell You About Sweatpants: # 1 Cause of Divorce?

Eva Mendes, celeb-tress/spokesmodel partner of heartthrob Ryan Gosling made Twitter's trending feed by commenting during an interview on Extra that sweatpants were the #1 cause of divorce, a statement her plus one attempted to clear up via social media.

Online media feeds off sound bites. My first reaction to Ms. Mendes was that she's onto something. As the other of a newborn, she likely gets the challenge in maintaining sex appeal when you're exhausted and covered with infant spittle.

No, sweatpants don't cause divorce any more than yoga pants cause infidelity.

But the elastic waistband (replace with stained t-shirts, baggy panties, take your pick) is a definite passion killer.

The insouciant or even careless approach to appearance is like the comfort food of long term relationships, the sartorial equivalent to leaving the bathroom door open when you are "otherwise engaged."

Men and women would like to believe the safety zone is built upon a love so strong no man can put asunder but maintaining passion is important to a relationship. Letting yourself go isn't especially respectful to a partner. It's like bait and switch.

Pregnancy, childbirth, and late night feedings don't exactly call out "sex kitten" and more than a few men have turned the switch to think of a wife as a mom and no longer that playmate in a negligee. Keeping those fires stoked takes work on both sides. (So men, lose the ratty college sweatshirt and straight leg jeans!)

How we dress does impact how we feel about ourselves. Loose sweats and a stained tee shirt call out an evening on the couch with Netflix and a pint of Ben & Jerry's much more than an evening of romance and passion. It's pretty hard to get in the mood when you or your mate are dressed like slobs.

Well, unless your partner is Ryan Gosling!

My Husband's Not Straight

Trevor and Liesl*

What stays with Trevor is his wife's expression.

"The look on her face is forever embedded in my mind, a look I never want to see again," he said. "A look of pure pain and fear, all in one."

The two had been married 19 years when, while attending a semi-annual meeting of the Mormon Church with his wife, Liesl, the words just came tumbling out. He was gay.

I remember not wanting to have the kids around when I spoke to her. We were watching a Mormon General Conference. During one of the talks I just blurted it out; I could no longer hold in my secret. Probably not my most shining moment.

For Trevor, now 42 and living in Salt Lake City, it was the culmination of years of a growing awareness of his sexual orientation. While he had experienced boyhood crushes on other boys, he always had a girl on his arm and had never dated a man. "I was late into my adulthood, mid-30s before I came out," he said. "I tried everything to maintain, but ultimately was not healthy to anyone in my life and we separated. How could I ask Liesl to live a life without intimacy. How could I ask that of myself?"

His main fear was how it would affect his three children, Jeff, Laura and Rick, now aged 19, 17 and 13: "I had to be ready to lose everything in my life as far as a family, home and stability."

For Liesl, Trevor's announcement came as a total shock.While she had been struggling with what she felt as his lack of sexual interest in her, she never suspected its cause.

"The most difficult part for me was the loss of trust when out of the blue, for me, he told me he had something to tell me and told me," she said. "I honestly did not know what to say or what to think; when I finally responded it was to say, 'At least it wasn't me.'"

* Not their real names

John and Hollie

Forty-year-old Hollie Warner teaches sixth grade in Sterling Heights, Michigan. A sense of relief was the only surprise when her husband John told her that he was gay. "I had been working on him to come out for quite some time and when he finally did, I just felt so relieved," she said. "It was a huge weight off me; perhaps that my earlier suspicions weren't unfounded. There's something to the whole gut feeling thing and I guess I felt relieved that that wasn't wrong."

John, a 39-year-old illustrator, says that one of the main reasons he got married was because it was what people did after graduating from high school in his small Michigan town.

"I grew up on a horse farm there and it was a rural community of about 2,500 people," he said. "My primary memory of growing up there was wanting to get out of it. Too small, too boring, too dirty, too much labor. I really didn't feel like I belonged."

He thought he found some of that sense of belonging when he met his wife-to-be, Hollie.

My sister introduced us and we hit it off very quickly as friends and found we shared the same sensibilities and sense of humor. It was very easy to be around each other and never had any trouble conversing until wee hours of the night. We were always very excited to see each other. Looking back, I can now see that most of it was based in great friendship and that the romantic or sexual component was not what it should have been.

But at some point during their 13-year marriage, Hollie's suspicions deepened. By 2011, John says that she "pushed the issue."

"The coming out process was horrible," he said.

There was a growing feeling of disconnect that was palpable. I confided in my mother that I was gay and she immediately told my niece, and then it spread through the family. I really couldn't come out to anyone but friends and co-workers, none of whom were surprised.

David and Susan

David Hall, a 47-year-old probation supervisor in Hannibal, New York, sounds sadly resigned when he talks about the demise of his marriage.

"Because she always really knew, the only surprise was that she had the affair," he explained.

He met his wife Susan, also 47, in college and already was aware of his sexual orientation. But because he grew up in a rural area and was afraid of disappointing his parents, he felt that life as a gay man was impossible for him.

I felt that I needed to do the 'right' thing and get married. And, since she seemed willing to marry a man with this issue, I decided I needed to marry her. I had convinced myself that it wasn't possible to be happy as a gay man or to have a normal life.

"Dave was upfront and honest with me about his struggle with his sexual orientation," said Susan.

We were very close friends and dated all through college. I think the thought of him coming out to his family and to himself was just too overwhelming and it seemed easier to try to do the 'right' thing and just get married and have a family.

But in spite of the births of Ethan, now 17, and Jillian, now 14, both knew deep down that the issue of David's sexuality had never gone away.

"There just came a point where our relationship was not enough for me," said Susan.

I needed more. I knew that I deserved more. Unfortunately, I made the choice to have an affair; at first just to experience what it was like to be with a straight man sexually, but I ended up falling deeply in love. The fact that I broke the trust of our marriage was the biggest challenge. That issue is still there, regardless of everything else.

Splitting up

It's virtually impossible to estimate the number of gay men in heterosexual marriages. According to the Williams Institute at the UCLA School of Law, some 3.6 percent of Americans are lesbian, gay or bisexual. But according to one study, for every gay man who is open about his sexual orientation, at least another 1.5 are still in the closet. How many of them are married to women? Hard to say, but the study found that of all Google searches beginning "Is my husband...," the most common follow-up was "gay," 10 percent more common than the runner-up, "cheating." While the study put no number on how many suspicious wives are out there, the number appears to be substantial. Easier to grasp than the numbers are the emotions involved.

Read the rest at Gays with Kids

5 Rules For Getting Through Divorce With Your Sanity Intact

Getting divorced ranks as one of the worst things that could ever happen to you. And unfortunately, if the statistics are correct, it will happen at some point to around 50 percent of us. I've found that many women do some or all of the following when they get divorced: 1. They fall apart, 2. They find a therapist, 3. They are miserable, 4. They are poor, 5. They feel like a failure, 6. They are alone, and 7. They talk ad nauseum about how their ex-husband wronged them to anyone who will listen.

Admittedly, when you get divorced, you feel like this:



But in my opinion, when you get divorced, you should look like this:


By The Heart Truth [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Why? Because divorce doesn't mean you are a failure. What it means is that you failed at one thing. Everyone fails at something, and most of us have had a bunch of failures. So what? There are a thousand other things that you are good at, so why let this one matter -- a divorce -- define you?

I'm not diminishing how hard it is to get divorced. When my marriage ended, I was under a tremendous amount of pressure. My legal career had been waylaid by years of child rearing and housekeeping and I didn't have a job. What I did have was a kid, two cats and a dog, all of whom depended on me to take care of them. I had serious responsibilities, and I was very scared as to how I would meet them.

So what did I do? Well, I decided that I had to be tough (even though I felt quite fragile), and I attacked life head on. I sent my resume everywhere, reconnected with former colleagues, and eventually landed a good job working with lovely, smart people. I took very careful care of my health and appearance. I read self-help and religious inspiration books to keep myself motivated. And in short order, I met and married a wonderful man who continues to treat me beautifully and tells me regularly that I am the best thing that ever happened to him.

My journey after divorce wasn't easy, and I didn't do everything perfectly. But I did learn a lot along the way, so here are my five rules for getting through your divorce:

Rule #1: Develop an "F You" Attitude
Throughout the whole process, be responsible, be kind, be gracious, and then ignore and distance yourself from everyone who can't keep their opinions to themselves. When you are getting divorced, people think that you want their advice (or criticism), when you simply need encouragement. Getting divorced doesn't suddenly turn you into a small child who needs the guidance of others. You continue to be an adult, and only you can make the best decisions for your life. This is a critical time to simply say "F you" to anyone who can't stop putting in their two cents.

Rule #2: Be Beautiful
This is not the time to stop washing your hair and put on 50 pounds. Shortly after I separated from my husband, I went to get my hair cut. The stress of the situation had taken its toll, and my previously completely dark brown hair was now peppered with grays. Even though I had never colored my hair before, my hair dresser informed me, "I am coloring your hair." It wasn't a question. She simply was telling me what she was going to do. It was one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. During that time, I ended up buying myself an inexpensive exercise bike and worked out every morning before going to the office. I got my hair cut regularly and never left the house without makeup. Every day, I said to the world through my appearance, "I am at the top of my game," even though I didn't always feel that way. Staying beautiful is part of faking it until you make it.

Rule #3: Get a Good Job
One of the most stressful aspects of divorce for women is financial insecurity. If both you and your husband were working, you now are living on only your paycheck. If you were staying home and raising kids, you now have lost your spouse's income. Relying on child support and spousal maintenance as a financial plan is a recipe for disaster. That is not a reliable source of money. Your ex-husband could decide not to pay the support, or he could be unable to pay due to a job loss or illness. Finding a solid job not only provides you with financial security, but doing good work is a source of self-esteem. Moreover, workplaces can provide wonderful friendships.

Rule #4: Start Dating When You Are Ready
There is no right or wrong time to start dating. And let's face it. No one is going to be happy for you to start dating. Ever. The only way to make your children, ex-husband and family happy is to join a convent. So, if you are no longer in love with your ex-husband, and you are emotionally ready to move on, then do so! Life is short. You have just been through one of the most stressful experiences imaginable. Now is your time to have fun, meet people and enjoy life. There are lots of wonderful people out there, and your staying home on Saturday nights is not going to bring about world peace or cure cancer.

Rule #5: Don't Worry
This is the most important piece of advice I can give. If life is hard now, it will get better. I promise. There is a wonderful Conan O'Brien quote in which he says, "If you work really hard, and you're kind, amazing things will happen." That is all you have to do! You aren't expected to solve every problem in your life or in the lives of your children or family. You just need to show up, do your best and good things will happen.

Divorce is heartbreaking, and it is an ending. But it isn't the end of your life. It is a beginning, and it is your job to make it the beginning of something wonderful.

Also on HuffPost:

The Girl Who Got Married in a Strip Mall

I was married, for the first time, in a strip mall on a sunny Friday morning in late October, 1999. I was not quite 21, and all the world was still unknown to me, wonderful and inviting. I did not care that there were murmurs of discontent among the guests. I did not care that I knew nothing about marriage. Does anyone, ever, know what marriage is until they experience it?

The decision to marry -- at age 20 -- was on par with most decisions one makes at that age, including all the requisite limited forethought, stubborn assuredness and defiant invincibility. I wasn't old enough to go to Vegas. I wasn't old enough to toast to a lifetime together. But I was old enough to change my last name and call someone my husband.

It made sense to us, my boyfriend and I, as we had lain in our apartment together in early October. Why not? We should do this. A few telephone calls, a short drive to the chapel, which was nestled near a flower shop and a Subway restaurant. I had a turkey sub, we paid extra for the photography deluxe package. It was all arranged.

Nine days later, as I walked down the aisle of that little chapel, the eyes of the oddly assembled guests shifted to my mid-section. Unasked questions floated in with the vows and parental discontent. She's only 20, why now? Is she pregnant?

I wasn't pregnant.

Until 10 months later, when I was.

And that is where the story of my marriage begins: its ending.

Or maybe it was over before it began?

Fast Forward

I drove by the strip mall the other night with my teenager in the front seat of my mini-van. The wedding chapel was gone; there's a yoga studio now. A Starbucks. A store that sells cellular telephones. It looks wholly uninteresting and non-descript.

"Your daddy and I were married there..." I told her, pointing.

"There? Where?" My daughter peered out the window, uncertainly.

"In that shopping center. There was a chapel there. But it's long gone now."

That marriage, that husband. That's long gone too, I think.

"You got married in a strip mall?" She seems incredulous and I wonder what she imagined from the pictures she had seen in the photo albums. She sucks in her breath and sounds a little defiant. "That is incredibly lame."

Those photo albums are in the back of the closet now. I was 20 when I married, 33 when I divorced. When the marriage ended after 13 years, I realized how much growing my husband and I had done in the intervening years. And how as we grew up, we had grown far apart.

As I sit at the light near the strip mall, with my teenager beside me, there's a different grown up husband at home waiting for me at home, standing in the kitchen, putting dishes in the dishwasher. A different husband chosen for different reasons, at a different time in life. I drive a minivan and drink red wine, now. My 20-year-old self would throw her head back and laugh at me.

No one, especially not 20-year-old girls, say "I do" with the intention of changing their mind. And before I judge her too harshly, that younger woman, there with the white roses in her hair and that irascible certainty, I have to stand back and admire her just a little.

That girl was something.

Aren't we all something when we are on the edge of the unknown?

My daughter, sitting beside me in her unlaced boots and varsity letter jacket, will never know very much about the girl who married a boy in a shopping mall.

I suddenly wish that this almost-grown daughter of mine COULD know that part of me. I want her to know that I once lived on the edge of things. That I took chances and wore my confidence haughtily. That I understand how it feels to know everything. To need little. To love desperately.

That girl.

Divorced, after more than a decade of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, pounding away with hopefulness that if I was just a little stronger, a little more pliable, I would make it work.

That girl.

She was foolish. But happy, for awhile anyway. Drunk on the curses and the curiosities of being young. That is not something to be ashamed about. I want to tell my daughter that too.

I blink a little as we roll past the shopping center, squinting at the storefronts.

I look at my daughter, flipping through the radio stations. Her face is brightly beautiful in the bluish glow of the dashboard dial. I am caught up in the sheer possibility that is stretching out between us, toward her. Away from me. There's a lot I have to warn her about, I think. But there are so many things I have to let her live to understand, too.

Where is that girl, that I once was, now?

I stare into the rearview mirror of my car as the shopping mall fades and buildings fly by. She's not there, she's not there. Not. There.

And suddenly I catch a glimpse of that girl, in the corner of my eye. And I am terrified and thrilled, all at once.

Because just when I thought that girl was gone forever, that there was nothing of her that remained in my world, I looked over and saw her, just waiting for the world to begin.

Her face was lit up in the dashboard glow.

I held my breath, in fear and wonder, because that girl was sitting right there beside me.

Five Tips for a Successful Second Marriage

I am one of the fortunate who is living the truth of a song lyric, experiencing firsthand that "love is lovelier the second time around." Yet as happy as I am right now, I know the statistics on second marriages tell a different tale. Exact figures are a little slippery, but many experts estimate that about two-thirds of second marriages end in divorce. So, how can those of us who are in second marriages avoid a repeat performance? There are no guarantees, but here are some tips to help increase the chances of a successful second marriage.

1. Don't rush into it. That may sound like obvious advice, but, unfortunately, many people do rush into a second marriage and set themselves up for another heart ache. Whether it's to blot out the disappointment of divorce, to escape the loneliness of being single or to capture the excitement of a new relationship, moving too quickly is almost always a mistake. Time and distance are necessary for you to gain a clear perspective on what went wrong in your first marriage. As part of your postmortem exam, take an honest look at your own contributions to the breakdown of the relationship and also recognize those characteristics or behaviors that made you and your ex a bad match for each other. You need to be very clear about what to do differently to make your second marriage a success.

2. Don't have unrealistic expectations. Even the best marriage cannot be your sole source of happiness. No spouse should be expected to simultaneously fulfill the roles of lover, best friend, therapist and golf instructor. At least not all the time. Jerry Maguire's romantic ramblings notwithstanding, it's really not a good idea to expect a marriage to complete you. Surprisingly, second-timers can still harbor idealistic notions about relationships and put unreasonable pressure on their second marriage in an effort to redeem their dream of a "perfect" union. Avoid falling into this trap to give your marriage the best shot at succeeding.

3. Prepare to handle some baggage. Everyone brings some baggage into marriage, and those of us embarking on a second marriage tend to be toting a few extra pieces--children, former spouses, alimony and child support are some of the most typical, and they can put a lot of stress on a new marriage. Time, patience and money are often strained to the breaking point in second marriages due to the increased demands of blending two families. If the second marriage happens later in life, there may also be health concerns and costs that young couples don't typically face at the outset of their relationship. It's important for spouses to be honest about the challenges their second marriage faces and to be on the same page about how they will handle conflicts that arise.

4. React to the present and not the past. When your beloved says or does something that makes you see want to blast him or her into the stratosphere--don't! Take a moment to think before you react emotionally and do some real damage to your relationship. You are certainly allowed to object to your partner's words or actions, but before you do, 1) calm down and 2) be very sure that you are reacting to the present and not the past. Often a relatively benign remark your present spouse makes unconsciously triggers the memory of a not so benign remark your ex made and your anger gets displaced. You cannot hold your new spouse responsible for the sins of your ex. Don't lump them together and don't expect your present partner to do penance for the hurt the former one caused.

5. Compromise is still the name of the game. This is one of the more subtle challenges that sometimes arises in a second marriage. The older we get, the more that compromising can feel like giving up control of our lives to someone else. Especially in our culture, where we are urged to be "authentic " and not to let anyone change who we are, bending to someone else's will can register on an emotional level as sacrificing a part of our identity. Those who have come out of very controlling relationships where their identity was completely merged with the other person's can be particularly sensitive to this issue. Yet cooperation and compromise are essential components of a successful marriage and must be cultivated. The key is to build a strong foundation of trust first so that compromise is viewed not as a loss of control, but rather as the contribution each party makes to the success of the marriage.

Real life is a lot more complicated than fairy tales, but with love and commitment you can create a happy ending for your second-time-around love story. Here's to happily ever after!

Photo: kb-photodesign via depositphotos

What Conditions Apply to Probation?

By HG.org - Houston, Texas

Probation is a conditional sentence, meaning that if the defendant does not comply with the conditions, the probation can be revoked and the suspended jail sentence can be imposed. Probation conditions vary widely by geographic region, as well as the type of court that entered the probation. In some cases, a judge may impose specific provisions, while in others, a probation officer may impose certain conditions.

Thick and Creamy Chocolate Mousse

  Ingredients 2 cans full-fat coconut milk (chilled) 2 tsp vanilla 4-5 Tbsp cocoa powder 4 Tbsp honey (can use agave)   Instructions Place coconut milk in the freezer for about an hour prior to making the mousse Spoon the … Continue reading →

The post Thick and Creamy Chocolate Mousse appeared first on Divorced and Scared No More! by Pumpkin_pie

Dear Eight-Year-Old Self: A Child of Divorce

I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're about to go through the craziest storm of your life. It's not fair. You deserve better. Your family is about to be broken up, and you'll be left to tend to your own needs and the needs of your little sister. It's not fair. You deserve better.

I want you to stay strong for yourself and for that little six-year-old girl looking up to you for direction. She's depending on you. She needs you. You're going to grow up asking yourself, "why me?" But you won't know that answer until much later in your life when things get better. Oh yes, my sweet, innocent girl, things will get better. Nothing lasts forever, and this won't either.

You're the strongest person I have ever known. Your instinct to make good choices and keep your priorities straight is not only an amazing quality as a young girl, but is something that you will continue to shine at. Try not to be angry with mom and dad for this mess they made. They can't fathom the pain you're in, because all they can see is their own. It's not fair. You deserve better.

I know it feels like a terrifying nightmare that you can't find your way out of, but what I know now that I didn't know then is that mom and dad had no idea what they were doing. They didn't know how badly this would affect you. They didn't realize the repercussions, how devastating it would be, or what a massive shift it would cause in your life. But you'll be okay, I promise.

From now on you've got to stay positive, stay open, keep honest, and love yourself more than any one person possibly could. Be your own role model. Be your own hero. You have no choice. You will one day be a parent that hasn't the slightest clue on what the hell to do. You'll be passive at first, because that's what you learned from living with dad all of your adolescent years. The ramped guilt he possessed for what the divorce put you through will show in the way he parents you. He will let his guilt become the reason he can't say "no."

And while you'll struggle with parenting your own children in that same way, you'll get the hang of it and be a great mother. You will overcompensate here and there for a childhood that you had to sustain, but you're going to realize that your childhood is not theirs. You won't have to be frightened of saying "no", or "yes", or asking for help. It's okay that you won't have all the answers. You're not perfect and no one, including your kids, will expect you to be.

You'll have issues, but everyone does. You'll build walls, but you will let them down for the right people. You have to give yourself the credit of surviving this traumatic event called divorce.

The emotional survival skills you possess will be what make you special. Yes, you're special. You're so, so special. I know you didn't hear that from everyone you needed to hear it from as a child, but don't let that take away from the reality that you ARE. You're a survivor, an over-achiever, a great listener and a wonderful friend. You're loyal and compassionate. You're honest, intelligent and witty. Your insight spotlights what an old soul you are. And the way you love -- how deep it runs -- that is what fuels the flame burning within you that radiates from every fiber of your being. You've known from the time of early childhood that you're destined for greatness, and, my love, you are.

So, eight-year-old self, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had it rough in the beginning, and I'm sorry life hasn't been fair, but your life is about to get really, really good. You'll use all of the things that worked against you as a catalyst to be the greatness that you've always known you'd be. And for that, I am so proud of you.

Congratulations, best friend. You deserved better, you fought for better, and you got better. Just like I knew you would.

With Unconditional Love,

Me

Originally published by Mom Babble

L-1 Visa Denial: Three Reasons to Appeal in Federal District Court

By Law Offices of Simone Bertollini - New York, New York

When an L-1 Visa is denied by USCIS, you may have the option of skipping an administrative appeal to the AAO, and file a petition for review with a Federal District Court under the Administrative Procedure Act.

The Sexual Partner Who Rocked My World In Middle Age

Having sex with Sam has changed my life. It's not just the sex that's changed me. It's the experience of loving the man I'm having sex with that has completely, irrevocably rocked my world.

A few months ago, I felt myself wanting more than the casual sexual relationships I'd been enjoying since my marriage ended. It was a gradual evolution, and as 2014 neared a close, I set my intention to be ready for someone I could build a life with.

Around the time that intention crystallized, I got an email from a family friend I hadn't seen in 25 years. Our fathers, both deceased, had been close friends. Sam's dad gave me my first job in Los Angeles when I moved out from the east coast. And my dad became Sam's mentor and surrogate father when he went to college in the university town where I grew up.

Sam is five years younger, so I never considered him as a potential love interest. The last time I saw him was about 25 years ago at his family's Thanksgiving dinner, when I sat across the table from this exuberant, scary-smart, baby-faced undergrad spouting off about Heidegger and The Iliad.

My father kept me up to date about Sam over the years, as he wound his way through a PhD program, law school, and to one of the country's most prestigious law firms. Once, Dad mentioned that Sam had moved back to L.A. and would love to hear from me. I was married and had just had my oldest child, so I didn't really understand why my father had called to tell me that. In hindsight, I think he knew I had married the wrong person and was hoping I might somehow find my way out of that marriage.

Two years ago, I did. The last thing I wanted was a serious relationship and after almost 20 years of being miserably married, I doubted my own capacity to love. So casual dating was a safe bet. I could have fun without having to feel vulnerable. Maybe this was all I needed, and all I had to give.

* * *

One of the biggest problems in my marriage had been me: tightly-wound, with a moat of self-protection encircling me, keeping everyone at a safe distance. The challenges of post-divorce life broke me open, however, and at 52, I morphed into someone I actually wanted to spend time with.

When Sam's email showed up in my inbox two weeks before Christmas, 25 years melted away. I was stunned to find out he'd always had a crush on me and had wanted to contact me over the years, and touched when I realized he was now courting me via email. We corresponded several times a day, then spoke on the phone, finally meeting in person just after the holiday.

The moment I walked into his home, everything about Sam felt right and familiar: the sound of his voice, the smell of his skin, his brand of relentless dry humor. And his kindness. Sam is brilliant, Sam is handsome, but at his core, Sam is kind.

I was already in love with Sam the first time we had sex, and it terrified me. The woman who checked "Super Confident" as the answer to the OkCupid question about sex was suddenly no longer super confident. I was great at sport-fucking, but sex in the context of love was not something I understood.

Unlike my casual relationships, which started off turbo-charged and then fell away after my partners and I invariably realized sex was the only reason we were together, my sex life with Sam has had a completely different trajectory. Despite our profound erotic attraction, sex was slightly awkward the first few times. But as the awkwardness subsided, sex has gotten better -- I think, because it isn't casual.

Sometimes, I don't recognize myself with Sam. A formerly proud proponent of sleeping alone, even after sex, I now find it agonizing on the nights when he and I are apart, and I don't get to fall asleep with my back pressed against his chest. Previously a cool character cultivating my independence, I would go so far as to say I'm a doting girlfriend, and am never so happy as when I'm making him happy. Sam wants to move to New England when he retires, and although I swore I'd never again spend another winter in the northeast, I promised I'd go with him. My whole life, I'd felt restless, and searching. But with Sam, I feel like I've come home.

One of the biggest questions I asked myself when my marriage ended, was whether or not monogamy suited me. Only now that I've reconnected with Sam do I have the answer.

It does.

Photography by Nick Holmes

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

Single Mama Seeks Single Man: Creating the Perfect Dating Profile

The ink on the Judgement of Divorce has been dry for months now, and you have an itch (a small, nagging one) to get back out there. And, for the first time in a very LONG time, you have every other weekend free from responsibility. No kids, no curfew. The problem is, you also have no prospects.

Your best friend's sister met her boyfriend on Match.com. And your cousin is living with this guy she met on Christian Mingle. Even your hairdresser is seeing this dude he met on Grindr. Or hanging out with him on Saturday nights. Or whatever.

You are intrigued. And so you dip your toe in the water of online dating very delicately, just to check the water and see how it feels. You finally dust off the coupon and log in to meet the girl of your dreams.

What to put in that profile? What to write to make the ladies go wild for you, handsome, single, divorced dad of two?

Take your time, son. Slow your roll.

I have a few tips for you before you jump headfirst into creating that profile. These tips were gathered in the many months that I, too, spent traversing the dating websites trying to find the single man of my dreams.

I'm offering you the insider's view to online dating, Single Mama to Single Man.

Before you type ONE WORD, read THIS:

Online dating DON'TS for the Single Man

1. DON'T include a profile picture of yourself in any of the following situations: Eating a hot dog, smoking a cigar, getting married, holding a child with a face you have whited/blacked/cut out, wearing a tank top, lifting weights, eating a hot dog while smoking a cigar and lifting weights.

2. DON'T include these words and/or phrases in your ABOUT ME paragraph (or rather, to be safe -- never, ever even use these words at all. Just DON'T. Ever.)

- Pamper
- Moisten
- Soulmate
- Thigh highs (^shudder^)
- Epic
- Loves to cuddle (I just threw up in my mouth a little)
- Sensual
- Scally-wags (Might need a translation on this one, but it just SOUNDS lame)
- Who would have thought it would be this hard? (Dude, I don't want to know how hard it is.)
- My friend/sister/neighbor/orthodontist made me sign up.
- I have a free trial on the site and can't send emails so HMU if you want to hook up.

3. DON'T mention your car, have a profile picture of you and your car, have a profile picture of your car alone (even if it IS gleaming in the dusky sunlight). Unless your car is a Delorean. If your car is a Delorean, then HMU.

4. DON'T use ALL CAPS to make a point. For example, don't say:

I'm SICK of girls who are always complaining about their baby daddy and don't know a REAL MAN when they SEE ONE. I'm SICK of girls who eat MORE than I do on a date and don't pay attention to ME (when I talk for 45 minutes about drag racing/hockey card collecting/the MMA cage I'm building). COMMON INTERESTS ARE A MUST! I want a partner in CRIME (nothing felonious, I am still on PROBATION) and I am a GENTLEMAN who knows how to treat a LADIE right. I will PICK YOU UP in my 2008 DODGE RAM (***SEE #3 ABOVE***) and take you out for a night on the town.

5. DON'T send the following "get to know you" first messages:
- Your hot
- I know I'm 10 years younger but you can do whatever you want to me
- I know I'm 20 years older but I'm young at heart (and in the sack)
- Do you keep in shape? How recent are your pictures?

6. DON'T mention during the first telephone conversation, that "finances are a little tight," and suggest "It be your (as in MY) treat until after the new year." And it's October.

7. DON'T accidentally send me a message you meant to send to one of the other seven girls with whom you are communicating.

8. DON'T refer to your ex-wife/girlfriend as "That lazy bitch" or "The evil one" in a text. At least not before the first date. Or ever.

Online Dating DOs for the Single Man

1. DO contain your excessive fear of DRAMA, even if it is BIG CONCERN. For example, don't have your tag line be "Don't got no drama, don't want no drama," and then your job listed as "Stayin' away from DRAMA," or have a picture of you holding a faceless baby (in a tank top) with the caption "No baby mama drama."

2. DO avoid referring to yourself in in the third person. "He likes curvy girls".

3. DO have at least one picture your didn't take with your iPhone in the bathroom mirror.

4. DO at least TRY to sell yourself:

For example instead of this:
Divorced dad of five boys with little prospects and crippling child support payments seeks someone who doesn't mind dealing with my moderate obesity and chronic hyperhidrosis.

Say this:

Previously married daddy to 5 cute little fellas takes care of all his obligations and seeks someone who wants a big teddy bear who has chronic hyperhidrosis. (Even an English major and optimist can't come up with something to fix excessive sweating.)

5. DO your research. To be more precise, read the profiles of the girls you are attempting to woo.
It would seem, from my own research, that most of the women interested in online dating

- "Enjoy laughing,"
- Are "looking for Mr. Right,"
- Are "living life like there is no tomorrow,"
- And "look as great in a little black dress as they do in comfy sweats."

I wish I could translate exactly what any of those things means, Mr. Single Man, but alas, I have no clue.

Listen. This sucks. It's rough out there for those of us who last dated when pagers were all the rage and Bon Jovi was uber cool.

Really, I think the best advice I can give you (and myself) is this:

1) Turn off the computer.
2) Go to the drugstore.
3) Buy two pieces of cardboard and some string.
4) List your qualities and preferences in magic marker on the cardboard. (you know, your irrational fear of drama, propensity to laugh all day in dresses or sweatsuits or whatever the hell you think is sexy, your need for someone to tolerate your profuse sweating, or teeth grinding, or bizarre and excessively mentioned life-living tendencies.)
5) Make a sandwich board.
6) Go to the nearest busy intersection.
7) Put on said sandwich board.
8) Walk up and down the street and wave. Dance. Do The Dougie. Shake hands with passersby.


I think you will find yourself a wee more successful than you would online dating. Or at least a lot less stressed out.

At least you can possibly end up on the 11:00 news.

And imagine the dating springboard that would be.

Is It Still Cheating If Your Spouse No Longer Recognizes You?

Rebecca Graulich remembers the day last December when she volunteered to help out at a day-long meeting for caregivers in the Sacramento Calif. area. Although she is a caregiver to her parents, she was there as a working professional. She is a manager at a drop-off center that exists to help those who give care to people with dementia. Graulich recalls it was something of a hectic day and she had dashed out the front door that morning without putting her wedding ring on.

During one of the breaks at the all-day meeting, an attendee approached her.

They talked for a bit and he explained that his reason for coming to the conference was that his wife of many years suffered from dementia. He provided good care for his wife, he told Graulich, and while he may not have ever imagined himself in this role, here he was doing things like changing her diapers.

Perhaps it was the emotionalism of the day, perhaps he felt secure to be in a room full of people who understood and shared his life. He blurted out: "I'm just so lonely." He told Graulich, "It's so hard to be married to someone who no longer recognizes you." It's also hard to know what the right thing is to do, the man told her. And then he asked, would she, Rebecca, like to have dinner together sometime?

"I realized I didn't have my wedding band on," Graulich recalls, "and he didn't know that I was married."

But wait a sec. Wasn't he also married?

Therein lies the crux of the issue. When your spouse no longer knows who you are, should you still be held to wedding vows of "til death do us part?" Or does death sometimes come in stages, draining away the person you married drop by precious drop? And of course the big one: If the person you married is no longer "there," should you still be?

It's an issue that Graulich, who works as the marketing and development coordinator for the Respite Club, a group that provides services and relief to caregivers, has given lots of thought to.

Graulich was so moved by the man's pain and raw need for someone to talk to over dinner, that she -- aided by her husband of 27 years who is a lawyer -- developed a Compassion Contract; they've both signed it. It says that should she develop dementia and no longer be able to meet his needs, she wants her husband to to be able to find someone else who will. She wants this, as the contract notes, because of her love for him. Her husband, David, signed an identical contract, giving Rebecca permission to seek comfort in another's company should he develop dementia and "no longer be able to meet her physical and emotional needs."

It's not permission to have an affair, Graulich told The Huffington Post. It's giving someone you love deeply the permission to not feel guilty about having his or her needs met. "It should be what you want for someone you love," she said.

She got schooled though in how a Compassion Contract may not be for everyone. An oped she wrote that appeared in the Sacramento Bee was not met with universal favor. One online commenter renamed her idea "compassionate 'fucking-licenses'
for the dementia affiliated."

That's just so not the case, Graulich says.

The story that Graulich shared about the lonely man at the conference who asked her to dinner is a story that could likely be told in every memory loss wing of every assisted living home, she said. It is not uncommon for the spouses of patients to meet in support groups and sometimes those friendships are extended to coffee, dinner, a movie, help shoveling the snow -- or more. The common ground of understanding what it's like to take care of someone with dementia is a strong bond.

The pity, Graulich says, is that healthy spouses generally feel guilt over the idea of moving on with their lives. We live in a Judeo-Christian society, she says, that teaches us that infidelity is wrong. "So we heap guilt on people who cheat on their spouse." Adult children and long-time friends are often the first ones to pass judgment, Graulich says. "But the person with dementia is not the same person you married and agreed to spend your life with," Graulich says.

She recalls the woman who faithfully cared for her husband, whose memory had been slipping for years. She managed his care at home and his condition slowly worsened. Then came one weekend when he seemed to come back, act like his old self. They had a romantic Sunday morning cuddling in bed and he got up to make her coffee in the kitchen, just like he used to. When she joined him a few minutes later, he was fully dressed and headed for the door. "Listen," he told her, "this has been really great but I need to run. Give me your number and I'll call you."

"I can only imagine the hurt that woman felt," says Graulich. "The pain of just the idea that her husband was 'cheating' on her; she felt used that she had just shared something intimate with someone who didn't know her."

"The man who asked me to dinner?" Graulich says. "He opened my eyes to the pain that caregivers suffer."





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Earlier on Huff/Post50:

Your Relationship Doesn't Stand a Chance Without This

He may be smart and handsome and successful. She may be the best lover you've ever had. Maybe he's your best friend. He cares about your career and goals. She doesn't roll her eyes when you tell that same joke yet again. He understands why an extra five pounds slays your self-confidence. She just gets you.

There's so much right about your relationship. But despite all (or some) of his wonderful qualities, why, oh why, isn't the relationship everything you want? Why are you fundamentally unhappy with her despite moments of bliss? (And, no, you're not crazy.)

That brings us to the notion of availability. Or lack of, for that matter. Availability in a relationship can take many forms. When you think about having a partner who's available, you think of someone who's there for you. When push comes to shove, you're this person's priority. So no matter how great this person might be in some regards, it's often the quality of availability that makes or breaks a meaningful and fulfilling union.

Here are the ways availability is a part of every healthy relationship:

1. Relationally

First and foremost, she/he needs to be free to be in a relationship. Someone who belongs to someone else romantically is not available to you. If you've partnered with someone whose true priorities are elsewhere, that's a problem. For you. Because this amazing, one-in-a-million lover will be MIA when the going gets tough. A relationship based on secrecy and stolen moments is not sustainable. Exciting in the moment? Perhaps. But if you're looking for a stable partnership -- and one you can be proud of -- move on to someone who's relationally available.


2. Emotionally

If your partner can't access his feelings -- or seems indifferent to yours -- you're signing up for relational disaster. You need to talk about your feelings. And you're also pretty interested in hearing about his. Being partnered with a man of mystery isn't sexy or exciting, it's crazy-making. Don't delude yourself that eventually he'll open up and you'll have front row seats to his emotional life. If he's been conditioned to hold it all in, he'll continue to do so, making you the sole player in an endless guessing game.


3. Geographically

Your partner also needs to be geographically available or otherwise able to commit to regular face-to-face time. Texting doesn't count. Do some long-distance relationships work? Yes, of course. But they can take an enormous toll on the folks in them. If she lives far enough away or has a daunting travel schedule that's an ongoing issue, you need to determine if a part-time relationship is what you want. Are you feeling you don't deserve more from her? It may be time to figure out why you're willing to take yourself off the market for someone who isn't around.

4. Sexually

If this one's a keeper, he or she is sexually available to you in any number of ways. If
sexual incompatibility is something you're willing to overlook, you may be ignoring a wildly waving red flag. Does signing up for a lifetime of faking orgasms sound like a good idea to you? Or pledging yourself to a partner who is grossed out by giving you oral sex? Your desire for a satisfying, intimate sex life with your partner doesn't diminish over time. I'm paraphrasing here, but when sex is good it's 10 percent of a relationship, but when it's bad it's 90 percent. Think about it.

True, no partner is going to get it right every time. But if your mate is systematically unavailable, you're doing yourself (and your future) a frightening disservice. Ostensibly, you want to be partnered so you can have a partner. And unavailable folks do not good partners make.

If it seems you're only attracting unavailable partners, do some soul-searching. Are you also unavailable and migrating toward those who share that same quality? If attracting these types seems to be a pattern for you, perhaps it's time to do some work on yourself with the help of a good therapist.

Remember: You can't make room for a wonderfully available someone if the seat next to you is taken by an unavailable partner who's wasting your precious time.

The Only Word To Describe The Finality Of My Divorce

I could feel my bones press against the cold, hard marble bench as I sat and waited outside of Courtroom 2. A tsunami of feelings were flooding my brain as I watched people mill about first thing Monday morning.

Pain, sadness, anger, happiness, hope and relief all wound into one beautiful ball of raw emotion.

There was nervous laughter, talk of PFA orders, and a general uneasiness in the air.

I came to the courthouse happy and hopeful, but I found my heart beating harder as the time ticked on. The man at the metal detector had asked me if I had any throwing stars with me today. If only.

My phone vibrated again and again, sending me messages of encouragement.

Split.

On what would have been our "firstborn's" 14th birthday. On the eve of what would have been our 14th wedding anniversary. The day after the "superest supermoon" (not to be confused with the blood moon). Two days before moving out of the home we were to live in until the boys graduated from high school.

Closure.

When our last name was finally called, the last time I will hold that name legally, we were told to sit at separate tables facing the judge. We went through our agreement, an agreement that took months to finalize together, raised our right hands to swear we were telling the truth, and we confirmed our irreconcilable differences. An understatement really.

I didn't expect to feel so much emotion, but I guess that's to be expected. Not just the splitting of a marriage, it's the split of a twenty-year relationship. The split of a family, including kids and dogs. The split of bank accounts and property.

We were 18 when we met. It seems a lifetime ago. So many memories. So much growing. But people don't always grow in the same direction. What once was aligned can fall off kilter.

No regrets.

It's the right thing to do, and that taste of freedom, admittedly, has been enjoyable over the past few months. The finality feels weird. That had been my only word for it. Weird. Yet, I still have two boys whose hearts have been broken.

I continue to focus on the good. Because there is much good going on in the background right now. So much. Enough good to combat the bad. There's that too, of course. A lot of bad. But we all have the choice to be happy. It helps to have a good attitude too.

Breathe.

We will put back together the broken pieces and find our new normal. In a new place. Very soon.

My mantra:



This post was originally published on anotherjennifer.com

Surviving the Raw Emotions of a Fresh Breakup

A few years ago, my young son fell and cut his knee, and we ended up at the emergency room where he got some stitches. His wound was raw at first, and needed to be kept clean and dry. It was red and puffy and swollen, and as he described it, "thumping."

For some reason, this is the comparison that comes to mind when I think about how I'm feeling in the first days following my recent long term relationship breakup. It's fresh. It just happened. It's raw. It's trauma. It's sensitive. Bleeding. Hurting. The "thumping," a constant reminder that it's there. And, it's not even close to being healed.

Here are some of those raw emotions that most people feel at the beginning of a breakup.

1. Shock: In any long term relationship or marriage, I don't believe a breakup happens suddenly. (Unless one of the people met someone else and is leaving for that reason.) But even then, it is only sudden for one of the people. Usually, the couple has known for a while that the break up could be coming, but even so, there is a certain feeling of shock, of waking up every morning realizing that this isn't a dream. Walking around feeling like you're forgetting something, like you left the house without something you need. Something feels like it's missing. It doesn't feel normal. For me, the missing piece is his heart. I don't have it anymore. That is gut-wrenching.

2. Sadness: You run into people and they ask, "What's new?" and tears spring to your eyes. It is very hard to get through a conversation, hearing your own voice say the words, "We broke up." Crying on a daily basis becomes the norm.

3. Urgency/desperation: There are moments it feels hard to breathe, and the only thing you want to do is call him or her, beg them to come over and hug you, and never let you go. It feels frighteningly desperate, almost panicky.

4. Confusion: In my situation, if someone asked me, "Why did you guys break up?" I honestly don't know what I would say right now. A number of reasons? Yes, but there is no clarity yet. Right now I feel unsure of what really went wrong. It seems foggy. But, I am sure that as time goes by, clarity will come.

5. Anger: I truly believe that in every relationship, people look back and recognize certain things that happened that cause resentment. If there is any communication between the two people, one or both of the them try to let the other person know how wonderful they are doing, and how they are changing so much for the better. My question is, "Why couldn't you change that for me?" It's a bit infuriating for me to think that the next girl will reap the benefits of things he learned from our relationship. Then again, my next guy might benefit from the same.

6. Honesty: It's so hard to do, because there is still so much love here, but being apart forces people (or I should say allows them) to take an honest look into the relationship and acknowledge the things that weren't working as they were. It is impossible to do that while you are still together.

7. Hope: For me, there is a very small piece of hope and even excitement about the future.At this moment, it is tiny, but it is there. It's a glimpse into the promise of a future with someone whose love is strong enough to last forever.

The bottom line is, the raw feelings of a breakup are extremely complicated. The mind and the heart are all over the place. Remembering the heart stopping moments, the smiles, the passion, even the smell of his skin is heartbreakingly sad. And comforting at the same time. It's funny how the mind tends to temporarily forget all the disappointments, arguments, and impasses that led to the breakup.

My breakup advice: Let yourself feel all of these feelings. Live day to day, trying to grab every ounce of enjoyment out of every day that you can. For me, that means anything having to do with my children and my family, and of course, enjoying the passion I have for my work. This is the way I've been living my life since my divorce, and it works.

Breakups are part of life. They are out of our control. And no breakup is good. But, how we choose to handle them is entirely in our power.

Jackie Pilossoph is the author of her blog, Divorced Girl Smiling, and the comedic divorce novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase. She also writes feature stories, along with the weekly dating and relationships column, "Love Essentially" for Chicago Tribune Media Group local publications. Pilossoph lives in Chicago. Oh, and she's divorced.

The Divorce Detox Diet

One of my best friends (let's call her Lisa) is going through a divorce, and I, despite having no knowledge of what she is going through, am trying to stand by her to help her through this difficult time. I am not alone in that role. We all have a Lisa or a Larry whose hand we are holding (or held) during the dissolving of a marriage and chances are, most of us struggle with what we can do to actually help. Throughout my discussions with my friend, however, I realized that above and beyond the psychological hardship she was going through was an additional hardship to her health. Once a healthy eater and marathon runner, she had now acquired a late-night chip habit, was skipping breakfast, turning to sweets to cope for times when she felt the most depressed and even though she was not overdoing it on her alcohol consumption, she found herself having a drink a few nights a week after work -- something she never did during her married days. So one day, in the midst of a helpless moment, I said, "tell me what I can do to make life easier for you," and her reply was adamant, "I need to turn around my diet; can you help me?" So began weeks of pantry and fridge clean ups, transitioning to foods that kept her emotions up and her weight down; and an educational format that showed Lisa how healthy foods would help her get through some of the physical and mental challenges she was experiencing. It was essentially a "divorce detox diet." After 12 weeks, her attitude, energy and general outlook on her future improved. In no way am I suggesting that diet alone cured all that ailed her, but in Lisa's world at least, she told me my divorce detox diet was saving her health and ultimately, helped her to recognize the incredible life she still had before her.

Our emotions can dictate a large part of our diet. A bad day at work, a fight with a friend, or even just a long commute home in heavy traffic can cause a relatively healthy person to start dreaming about that glass of chardonnay, the cookie, or the pizza that awaits them at home or the French fries they'll pick up at the next intersection. They are never dreaming about that big bowl of steamed broccoli, that refreshing glass or cucumber water or the seaweed snacks that are stashed in the pantry. These scenarios are acute, as opposed to chronic however, so when faced with stress day in and day out, as is commonly the case while going through a divorce, the reliance on these unhealthy foods can take a toll.

First, it's important to recognize that the "feel good" foods you're chomping on won't make you feel any better; they'll actually make you feel worse. Our sugar addictions are out of control and are often coupled with or into foods that are chock full of refined carbohydrates as well (think French fries, pizza and doughnuts). Turning to them in a time of stress may not be the straw that breaks the camel's back, but turn to them every night to soothe your pain and it will be hard to ever turn away. The sad truth is that they may make your sadness worse. Researchers at the University of Finland found that consumption of sugary processed foods can actually elevate depression. Further, a 2014 study found that stressed individuals that indulged in alcohol or sweets to calm them actually experienced a reduced pleasure from the food of choice. Authors showed that although the desire for a reward (in this case, food or alcohol) was increased for stressed individuals, their pleasure they obtained from it was decreased. And then there's the very important reality about the effects on our physical health. The sugar high you feel is always accompanied by a low, and eventually, with constant consumption, your health can decline and your life can be shortened. So if you keep up with the candy, cookies and stripped of fiber crackers, your physical health will hitch a ride with your mood and both will follow a road that leads to nowhere.

Now what you know what not to have, here are eight diet-related truths and tips to get you to get you out of the divorcee rabbit hole more vibrant, energized and healthy than when you crawled in.

Go ahead, have chocolate, just not too much
While chocolate (the dark kind) is known to have a whole host of heart benefits, it's the stress reduction wow factor that will help you during this time in your life. A 2009 study as well as a 2012 study suggested that moderate chocolate consumption could actually help ease stress. The key word here is moderate; if you want to have an ounce of chocolate a day as a treat, go for it, just don't have the whole bar in a moment of weakness.

Become a salmon "addict"
Several studies have linked deficiencies in omega-3 fatty acids to depression and several more studies show that having omega-3 fatty acids in your diet may even help to ward of depression. Further, adding vitamin D into the mix may also assist in decreasing depressive symptoms as well. Guess what food has both omega-3 fatty acids and vitamin D? Three servings a day of wild salmon will be a great start to a healthy plan.

Don't fear fat, just fear the type
Fat gets a bad wrap, but most fats will help you when you when you're looking for something to make you satisfied and full. Both olive oil and the oils from pine nuts have been shown to help keep you fuller, longer. So when you find yourself looking for something to crunch on that makes you feel happy, why not try some popcorn (see my next tip) with a little drizzled oil and sea salt added instead of potato chips or a tub of frosting? The fat in the latter foods may increase your risk for heart disease and stroke and may even increase depression.

When you feel the need to just veg out on the couch, choose popcorn as the snack of choice
Next to coffee, arugula and eggs, popcorn is one of my most favorite foods. It's crunchy, it can be salty or slightly sweet and you can have lots of it for not a lot of calories. That's key for any man or woman struggling to keep weight down during stressful times (and struggling to limit those late night snack attacks). A great source of whole grains, popcorn provides you the antioxidants you need to boost immunity (stress can weaken immune systems in both parents and children) at a measly 31 calories a cup.

Whey your breakfast options
One major change I made to Lisa's diet included having a high-protein shake for breakfast. Lisa called this addition a "game changer" to her former eating habits as it kept her full for a big chunk of the day and made her more resistant to cravings later in the day. A small 2013 study found that having higher amounts of protein for breakfast helped to regulate signals that controlled food regulation, and made participants more resistant to snacking on junk food later in the day. I also suggested that Lisa look for a protein powder that incorporated Whey. One study showed that consumption of whey protein (a major protein found in milk) increased serotonin (a feel-good hormone first isolated at the Cleveland Clinic that is associated with mood elevation).

Envisioning a happy future may make it easier to eat healthier
A 2014 study found that individuals that literally envisioned a happy future actually ate better. So while you're eating your "happy" foods, it couldn't hurt to think of that happy future too!

Make exercise and adequate sleep non-negotiable components to your day
As tempting as it is to lie around, you have to get off the couch (and don't watch cooking shows, they may make your diet worse). Exercise increases feel good hormones, boosts self esteem and keeps excess pounds off. Further, without getting enough Zzzs at night, all your "get healthy" plans will become more difficult to achieve. Sleep enhancers include cherries and fatty fish, sleep disrupters include that nightly glass of wine.

If you need further motivation to clean your diet, think about your children.
Finally, as I am learning through Lisa, divorce effects family members in different ways and new evidence implies a connection between mom or dad's eating habits and the diet of the kids. A 2015 study in the Journal Childhood Obesity found that children of recently separated or divorced families were much more likely to drink sugar sweetened beverages than children whose parents were married. This bad habit sets up these children for obesity and its related chronic conditions (diabetes, non-alcoholic fatty liver disease, heart disease, etc.) later in life. Another point brought out by the authors of this study is that changing routines due to a divorce in the family are common. Keeping a set time when mom or dad has a meal with the kids, even if it's just a few times a week is critical and can help to ward off obesity and keep healthy eating habits intact.

Lisa's divorce detox plan isn't the only thing that is getting her past a difficult time. But she's back to exercising, she's eating well, and she finally feels that tomorrow might not be so bad. These suggestions won't change your life, but they may help to make you stronger, both physically and mentally.