Financial Incompatibility Can Cost You

A recent MONEY survey revealed that 10 to 40% of all married and cohabiting couples are in the dark about each other's retirement plans. This is not a surprise. Disagreements over money are the leading cause of all break-ups. For many couples that I see, the path of least resistance becomes ignoring the subject of finances entirely. This, however, is a big mistake that can erode your financial security over the long term.

To foster a healthy discussion of finances in a non-confrontational manner, I recommend that couples consider creating a Love Contract. This document is a tool that can be used to remove the animus from financial discussions and develop a solid financial foundation for the future. Yes, the words "Love" and "Contract" appear to be an oxymoron when combined. The notion of entering into a contract with a romantic partner may seem like a big turn off. Before dismissing the concept, however, consider the fact that married couples already have a legal contract. The contract is in the form of state matrimonial laws that determine who is entitled to what in the event of a split. Over the course of the past 15 years, an increasing number of my clients have opted to make their own decisions in this regard by creating Pre-Nuptial, Post-Nuptial, and Cohabitation Agreements.

As a next step, I began encouraging couples to customize these documents to include provisions to address lifestyle issues, pet-peeves, shared goals as well as "deal-breakers". These lifestyle provisions form the basis of a Love Contract. Love Contracts can include infidelity penalties, vacation schedules, social media parameters, fitness goals. They are also particularly well suited to dealing with financial issues within a relationship. Applying the contract process to a couple's financial life requires each party to:

1. 1. First, become clear about one's goal. This may take the form of reducing debt, building up savings, investing in real estate etc.



2. Each party is then asked to separately identify actions that they alone can take toward the goal. Can I, for example, buy fewer shoes, eat more meals at home, "loan" less money to adult children, or come up with a plan to rent out my dream vacation house during the weeks that we don't use it. By focusing on our own goals and money behavior first, we are taking the energy out of the tired "money scripts" all couples have: "You spend too much", "You don't make enough" "You can't say no to the kids"



3. Only once we have taken a critical look at our own behavior, have we set the stage for Step three which is to sit with our partner and share our financial goals and action steps. Because we have refrained from finger pointing, we are much more likely to be met with enthusiasm and spontaneous offers of assistance. The actions and goals that both parties believe they can live with become incorporated into the contract.

Putting our goals and agreements in writing heightens clarity, improves communication and insures against faulty recollections. Implementing the specific steps of the contract process reduces the possibility of the discussion degenerating into finger pointing and anger.

The Love Contract is both a relationship blueprint and mission statement for a couple. It is a dynamic process that encourages periodic introspection and goal review. Properly utilized, the Love Contract can produce powerful results in terms of strengthening a couple's financial foundation.

Ann-Margaret Carrozza is a New York Attorney and TV Legal Contributor who also served as a NYS Assemblywoman.

www.mylawyerann.com

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It Gets Better

"Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness."
-Marianne Williamson

If someone had told me, even just a few years ago, that my ex husband and I would be able to sit down together in a restaurant and share a meal, ask each other questions, have a comfortable conversation, laugh about old times, take a selfie together to send to our daughter and then hug and say goodbye with love and compassion, I would have thought they were on some kind of hallucinogen.

It would have been completely impossible to imagine.

When we went to divorce court, he sat on a bench with his attorney and I sat on a bench with mine (and at least two of my closest friends, who accompanied me to the court each time I had to go... that is a good friend). He and I barely looked at each other. We had a horrible divorce, on a scale of 1 being easy and 10 being the worst, we were definitely an 8 ½. Divorce practically did me in. I had no idea going into it that it could be so painful. I had seen how hard it was for friends of mine over the years, and seen all the movies, but I honestly (and naively) thought we would be different. Neither of us had cheated on each other, or embezzled any money. We just grew apart and we both wanted the divorce and knew that it was time for us to go our separate ways. And still, somehow in my subconscious at least (he can speak for himself), I felt abandoned. Betrayed. Alone. It was not a fun time, those first two years. I also lost my mother and a few other important things like my job. It was a mess any direction you looked in my life. But losing the person who had, for over 23 years, been my ally, my close friend, my partner in everything -- raising our daughter, negotiating life, handling crises -- and then an abrupt separation and all of that gone, it was like someone had flipped a switch and I was suddenly completely in the dark. I cried probably more than I had in my entire life and that was incredibly painful (though finally it was good because it was healing).

Then a couple of years ago, one of our two beloved dogs, Lola, got ill and I wrote to tell him that she had cancer and wasn't going to make it. Though he lives 3,000 miles away and hadn't seen her in a few years, he was devastated. He called me and said, "You gave her the best life she could have had." I could hardly believe my ears -- but grateful for the kind words.

When Lola died, he was heartbroken, just as I was. Just as our daughter was.

It was the first crack in the iceberg, the beginning of a shift.

Before we could really connect though, I had a lot of work to do. Forgiveness. I did a lot of reading and meditating about forgiveness and though it felt impossible at first, I kept remembering the saying, "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." Who was I hurting with my anger? Only myself. I was poisoning my own life.

One day, almost exactly two years ago, I learned that my ex husband was diagnosed with lung cancer. Stage 4. I was stunned. I can't even remember how I learned about it -- either from my daughter or from him, but I was heartbroken and I couldn't imagine my daughter losing her father or me losing someone who had played such a major role in my life, someone I still cared about. And yet, I knew it happens every day.

We spoke and as he went through his first round of chemo, which practically killed him, I tried to keep in touch and prayed for him to survive. I'm not that big on prayer, but in this case, it felt right. I can honestly admit that during the divorce, occasionally I prayed for some not very kind things to happen to him, but now I wanted him to live. We kept in touch and he ended up surviving what his doctor told him was the worst reaction to chemo he'd ever seen -- and the best results.

Two years later, a couple of lunches together, a brunch with our daughter, many texts and phone calls -- we are -- friendly. I do wish him a long life. He is doing well, thanks to a regimen of acupuncture, Chinese herbs, diet, exercise, on and off treatment, he is having a pretty good life and so am I. Our lives will forever be entwined because of our love for our daughter. We lost our second dog, Lucy, around the same time he was diagnosed and that was also devastating, but again, we connected with love and compassion for each other.

Isn't that what life is ultimately about? You marry someone and there is love and I know that sometimes it's impossible to get past the betrayal and the very deep hurt -- but sometimes it is possible.

And what a gift to our daughter, who doesn't have to choose between us, or be in the middle -- she can just say, "these are my parents and I love them both and they love me."

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In Defense Of Being Alone

Recently, someone questioned my affinity for red wine. My answer, like most of my answers, was probably not at all what they expected.

"We bonded," I said, laughing and taking a sip from the glass that had inspired such a question.

"Well, I used to hate it. I was going through a difficult time when I started to drink the dry, red wine. It was just so strong and raw. It was powerful and bold. That's what I wanted to be. For the first time in my life, I just wanted to be those things, on my own. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to be fearless and bold. I wanted to be a strong, powerful red wine."

Isn't it strange to realize you actually want to be alone? It was for me. It was weird. It was weird to genuinely not desire the things I used to need so desperately, and always had. It was weird to change into a woman I both admire and fear, because she can appear unrecognizable at times. But that's OK, because I think we all need to lose ourselves, to find ourselves. I think we all need to be left alone, to learn how to stand alone. I think we all need to choose to stand alone, to know we need no one else to be the strongest, most incredible versions of ourselves.

Why do we feel so pressured to need a counterpart? What's so wrong with taking some time? We don't give ourselves enough damn time. We need time to breathe. We need time to think and to learn. We need time to shake a couple hands, get lost in a few pairs of lovely eyes and share stories with strangers that make us laugh. We don't need to jump into the arms and beds of different people until one of them decides to stay for a little while longer than the rest. We don't need titles and commitment that's rushed, or done so for any reason influenced by others. Why love someone if you don't love yourself? Why settle in life to satisfy some ridiculous human-made complex of being inadequate as a single-status person? We don't need that. We need adventure. We need friendship. We need natural confidence and bravery. We need to make the choices that are best for us and for our own happiness. We need funny stories, big pizzas, long drives, bright stars, brilliant ideas and moments that make us feel infinite and proud. That's what I need, at least.

I just want to be alone for a while. I don't want to owe anyone anything. I don't want to have to explain why I'm guarded. I don't want to hurt anyone, because I'm not ready, and a person's heart is not something I would ever place into hands I don't trust. I don't want to have to make excuses. I don't want to worry about anyone. I don't want to be pressured. I don't want to make my decisions with or for anyone else. I don't want to be told what to do, where to go or who to be. I don't want to make promises I'm not ready to keep. I don't want to be concerned with what he wants or needs from me. I don't want to feel guilty for choosing myself for once.

It's OK to want those things. For god's sake, it's OK to be a little selfish sometimes. It's OK to want to fall in love with your career and passions. It's OK to want to stay out way too late with your friends and get a little lost sometimes. It's OK to laugh so hard that you cry and make a few mistakes. It's OK to pack up your bags and go on trips at a moment's notice. It's OK to take chances. It's OK to do and say things you may have been fearful to before. It's OK to want to spend a little time loving yourself.

There's nothing wrong with wanting that. There's nothing wrong with you. It doesn't make you heartless or cold. It doesn't make you undesirable or unwanted. It won't make you incapable of happiness or future relationships. You'll have those loves one day, and when you do, you'll be happy within yourself. You'll have that light in your heart, and fall in love with the way you see it shine in someone else. You'll want them, not need them. You'll know the difference. You deserve to.

"So, did it happen then? Did you become like the red wine?"

I smiled.

"We're getting there."

For more, check out my website at Serendipity and Creativity





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Kazakhstan Tax Inspections: Tax Authorities' "Sword of Damocles"?

By Integrites - Kiev, Ukraine

Any state cannot exist without taxes and control over the timely treasury reimbursement and taxes are conducted by state revenue bodies. One of the instruments of tax policy is tax inspections. Our last dispute practice between tax authorities and entrepreneurs on the additional charges based on the results of the tax inspections shows that entrepreneurs in general are always "at gunpoint" of the tax authorities and they are not protected from repeated for the same period inspections.

You're Not Rejected - You're Redirected

We often have a diluted sense of self; we do not see the magnitude of the greatness inside of us. As a result, most people live within the parameters of the lowest part of their life; they dwell in the basement of their capability.

When you have a small picture of yourself, it distorts the size of the problems and challenges you face. You become easily intimidated and even more easily deterred from following your desired success. You look at mistakes as final and failures as unworthiness. You see a small YOU and a BIG everything else. The vision of yourself is distorted and the efficiency of your journey is burdened.

You are a reflection of greatness; don't lose sight of that! There have been countless challenges that you thought were bigger than you, but you're still here. They have not defeated you, they have not stopped you, and even if you didn't realize it, they had to bow to your innate superiority.

It's not rejection; it's redirection...

Every job I was denied for... opened the door to new opportunities. Every relationship that hurt me... led me to my true love. Every mistake I thought would be the end of me... pointed me towards an incredible success.

Keep your dream alive. Keep your relationship alive. Keep your career alive. Keep your goal alive. Live BIG! You have not been rejected, you have been redirected. Delayed, but not denied. You are greater than you can ever imagine! Let your journey be fueled and your body be nourished by your victorious past and move forward in the direction of your magnificent dreams. You are worthy; live accordingly.

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Your 'Perfect Partner' Isn't Supposed to Be Perfect

My first husband and I divorced after 11 years. I believed that getting a divorce would end my problems with him. Big surprise! Divorce ended the marriage but not the problems. I took them with me and continued resolving them through other people.

Divorce did give me a temporary reprieve, though. I remember marveling at not being angry the first day after our split. A little space can be helpful -- as long as we remember that our problems aren't with the other person and that our stuff stays with us until we sort it out.

Is divorce sometimes the answer? Maybe. But we've set causes in motion, and we're experiencing the results -- so our problems are not originating outside of us. And to resolve them, we'll keep attracting people who can offer us the same challenges as the partners we're thinking of leaving.

Relating is like riding an elevator: If we don't do something different, such as select a new number, the doors will open and we'll just get out on the same floor.

I'm still resolving recurring patterns through my present husband. For example, when we play card games, Ron wins a lot and I don't lose well. Instead of losing politely and maybe even congratulating him, I tend to throw the cards at him. We can get the cards out and make a joke about whether I'll flip out this time - clearly naming the name of what I do - and it can still turn into a free-for-all!

To have healthy relationships, we need to deal with this stuff. And it won't work to think: "How can I get my partner to change for me?"

If I had it to do again with my first husband, I'd probably still get divorced. But I'd be smarter and kinder in leaving. Eventually, I got an opportunity to repair some of that.

Two decades after our divorce, he died from a brain tumor at age 56. One evening during his last weeks, Ron and I sat across the dinner table from each other in the Netherlands. I said to him, "I have to go." And he said, "I know, you have to go." So I flew back to America and moved into my ex's house. He was brave and peaceful to the end. And helping take care of him was the natural thing to do. The real hero was Ron, in giving me his blessing to go.

One thing that I did right following my divorce was to wait before jumping into another serious relationship. Seven years, I waited. I said to myself, "I only want one more romantic relationship in my life - one built on real love and shared purpose." I wouldn't settle for less, so I went years without a date!

And then along came Ron. We began as great friends. And eventually, I discovered that he'd seen my photo on the back cover of a book I'd coauthored, and he'd "known inside" that I was the one he would marry - and he'd traveled from Amsterdam to America to find me.

What do I make of it? I believe in the probability of magic - that we all have the power to draw to ourselves whatever and whomever we need to fulfill our purposes and to share real love.

An important question to ask ourselves is: "Would I want me as a partner?" If the answer is no, the next question is: "What would I want to be different about me?"

We can start living that change today. Or we can leave a years-long trail of messy interactions and failed partnerships.

Getting rid of our partners will not get rid of our problems because we form relationships over and over with the type of people who can help us resolve our particular issues. So right now, our present partners are uniquely qualified to be imperfect, and that's good news.

In other words, our "perfect partner" is an imperfect person!

We look for relationships that can give us what we need to become whole. But that doesn't mean that our wholeness is someone else's responsibility. In the area of relationships, two halves don't make a whole. Two wholes make a whole partnership.

This post was originally featured on The Good Men Project.

The photo is a student café, Eetcafé de Preuverij, in Maastricht, The Netherlands.

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When Parents Part

Over the last fifty years, America's policy makers and commentators have pointed to the failure of people to marry or stay married to explain many of society's dysfunctions. During that fifty-year period, the numbers of Americans marrying have sharply decreased and about half of those who do marry get divorced. The social organization of the United States (and of most societies in the West) is still seen as being based on families interlinked through marriage, so concern is understandable. But what truly holds contemporary communities and societies together is not the institution of marriage but the family relationships it used to support--above all, relationships between parents and children. So should shoring up marriage still be our priority? And is it even possible?

The decrease in the number of couples who marry is due in large part to a changed mind-set; to changes in attitudes toward sexual relationships and having children, supported by increasingly efficient and available contraception and by the rise in women's education and income. Even as late as the 1960s and 70s, getting married was integral to being recognized as an adult and to being able to have sex; to leave home to live with a partner, and to have or not have children by choice. Like it or not-and many Americans do not-people now do all these things without marriage. In 2008 more than 40 per cent of babies born in the United States had cohabiting or single mothers rather than married parents, and the figure is predicted to top 50 per cent next year.

Meanwhile fewer than 50 per cent of students leaving high school live with biological parents who are married to each other. Although almost all adults seek close long-term relationships, often regarding such relationships as the sine qua non of personal happiness, it is clear that a dwindling number choose to make marriage vows. If we could accept that a majority of contemporary couples are not going to marry before setting up house or having babies together, however much they are encouraged by faith communities or tax authorities, and that those who do marry as well as those who do not will part when the relationship is irretrievably broken, we could focus on what is wrong with this trend and who it matters to. To many Americans, cohabiting as an alternative to marriage and divorcing to end marriage are wrong because they are wrong: these are moral and religious issues. But to those of us of a more pragmatic mind-set, the concern is less about individual adult relationships with each other than about parents' relationships with their children.

Lifelong partnership is an ideal, but now that many Americans live into their eighties, that can mean sixty years of monogamous togetherness, and a lot of people cannot manage that; there has to be a socially acceptable means of escape. There is a kind of loving that is usually lifelong, though, and that's the love that crosses the generation gap between parents and their children. Sadly, the separations and divorces that act as safety valves when the pressure of couple relationships become too great are deeply destructive to parent-child relationships.

A pragmatic definition of a social problem is useful only if it suggests achievable solutions, and we can do a great deal to cushion the impact of separation and divorce on children. Parents divorce each other. They do not and cannot divorce their children--except in extreme cases. The best way to protect children from the worst of family breakdown is to separate the marriage or partnership (which is broken) from the parenting (which is not). The breakup of a family is almost always full of hurt and anger, but while it threatens to overwhelm everything, it must not, at all costs, be allowed to overwhelm the relationships of each child with each parent. If the man who last night admitted to an affair and his plans to leave the family was a good and loving father yesterday, he still is. Whether this disclosure came out of the blue or was the final straw in an already-shaky relationship, the conversation hasn't changed that. Both spouses are going to be single parents, but that need not mean that their children are destined to become fatherless or motherless.

When a family breaks down what matters most to children of all ages is not their physical separation but their enmity. If mothers and fathers can hang on to their respect and trust in each other as parents, even though they may come to loathe and distrust each other as partners, the damage done to children by divorce can be minimized. "Mutual parenting" (perhaps what Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin meant by "conscious uncoupling") means mothers and fathers talking, texting, and even meeting to support each other in matters concerned with their children's well-being and happiness. Above all, it means exes encouraging children to go on loving and depending on both of them. It isn't easy, but it's the best way forward that can possibly be offered to children when parents part. (When Parents Part, Knopf May 13, 2015)

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My 6 Pet Peeves About Middle-Aged Men's Online Dating Profiles

I have been a member of a popular online dating service for a little over a year now, and I have to say that, overall, I'm pleasantly surprised by the quality of men I've met online. While I haven't yet met "the one," I remain hopeful that eventually, I will. Yet despite my generally positive experiences, I have come across a few (hundred) profiles that completely baffle me in a these-men-clearly-were-not-raised-with-sisters-and-can't-possibly-have-any-female-friends sort of way. Like the man who thought that selecting the username "Undertaker" was a good idea, or the guy who shot his photos in a room that clearly screamed "locked residential facility." Or, the childless man who expressed his deep desire to meet a woman with young children (preferably boys). One of my all-time favorites though was the man who spent half his profile narrative writing about how he was still deeply in love with his ex-wife, but since she wouldn't take him back, he was forced to find love online (yay us!).

Some of these profiles represent random oddities, the one-in-a-hundred profile with an eyebrow-raising narrative or a few gasp-worthy photographs. These profiles can actually be a wonderful source of entertainment, particularly if wine is involved. But what I find somewhat troubling are some rather disturbing trends I've noted in many men's profiles who seem to be quite normal otherwise. I do empathize, really. Many of us are dating novices, jumping back into the dating pool after years (sometimes decades) of marriage and child-rearing. We're all winging it to a certain extent, unsure of what the other sex is looking for, or how to get their attention. But these gaffes are so obvious that I think it's time someone opens a dialogue and asks the important question: Why? No really, why?

I'm not the only one noticing these trends. Often, when I get together with my single girlfriends the subject of some men's online dating profiles is raised with a collective "what in the world were they thinking??" From time to time I've looked past these profile peculiarities and gone out with some of these men because I sensed they were really nice guys. And let's just say that I wasn't surprised when they shared their frustrations with online dating - of rarely receiving emails from women, of their emails often going unanswered. I wanted to grab these men by their shoulders, and give them a robust (albeit friendly) shake, while sharing my suspicions about their errant marketing techniques. But I have always resisted the temptation to do so out of a fear of appearing rude and ill-mannered.

So instead, I've decided to blog about it! And without further adieu, here is some friendly advice for all of my middle-aged brothers who are trying to find love online and not having much success. This advice should be placed under the broad umbrella of Know Your Audience:

1. Please remove all of the fishing photos from your profile, now. The number of men's profiles with fishing photos truly baffles me. I mean, nothing says love and romance like a sweaty man holding a 16" writhing and bleeding smallmouth bass, right? Wrong! Think of it this way: if you're trying to impress your fellow fishing buddies, keep the fishing photos, but if you want your profile to appeal to women, my advice is, scrap 'em. Just because everyone else is doing it, doesn't make it right.


2. Avoid the temptation to use sports-themed usernames, sports-themed narratives, or sports-themed photos. Of course, a brief mention of your love of sports is fine. There are many women out there who love sports as well, and I'm certain they would love to watch your favorite team with you. But remember, you are attempting to appeal to the female demographic, not your buddies, thus boasting about how you spend every single night and all weekend watching sports sends the wrong message, plain and simple.


3. I can't say it any clearer than this: Do not post any selfies of yourself looking into your bathroom mirror, period. Seeing a man standing next to an open toilet, or even a toilet paper dispenser, is an immediate turn off. Take a selfie the way everyone else in the world does, by using a selfie stick and pretending as though you're doing something fun (like fishing or watching football). Or, if you don't have a selfie stick, take your profile photo the old fashioned way by tapping the reverse camera view on your smart phone and then snapping a selfie in your car. Worst comes to worst, have a friend take an action shot of you standing alone with a glass of wine pretending to laugh at someone just out of view. If you don't have a single friend who can take your photo, or you don't own a smartphone, then you probably shouldn't be dating in the first place.


4. Do everyone a favor (including yourself) and select an appropriate dating age range. Just because most online dating services allow you to select a wide dating age range doesn't mean you should. If you're 50, your lower age limit really shouldn't be under 38, regardless of how much money you earn or how much hair you have (okay, 35 tops, but only if you're super hot).


5. Stop telling us that you don't want a woman with drama. We get it. You don't like drama. But unless you're willing to go the extra mile and define exactly what you mean by "drama" it just sounds like you want a woman without a past or emotions. So be specific, please. Also, I'd like to point out that there is such a thing good drama too (so there!).


6. Right now, before doing anything else, delete all of the naked upper torso shots. This includes the ones that seem spontaneous (as if you were unaware of the camera), including you lifting weights shirtless, you pulling yourself out of the pool shirtless, you casually frolicking in the waves shirtless, and yes, even you posing with your kids at the pool or beach or gym, shirtless. Shirtless photos make you seem narcissistic and insecure, so unless that's the message you're trying to send us, delete them.

Okay, that's it for now. I hope you find these helpful hints useful. Next week I'll post my advice for women. Here's a hint: Avoid usernames with the words sexy, vixen, pouty, kisser, or kitten in them, unless you're trying to attract men who want to bang you in their mother's basement and never call you again.

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

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Old Flames: Are We Playing With Fire?

A while back I posed a question to the people on my blog's Facebook page. I asked about the intelligence of meeting up with an old flame, who is now married. I said I was asking for a friend but I'm sure they are all smart enough to know I was asking for me.

Old Flame is my college boyfriend. Our relationship lasted several years, through college and both of us taking different paths afterwards: he joined the Navy like his father and brother before him and ended up in Hawaii, I became a flight attendant and moved from Minneapolis to Detroit. We did the long-distance thing for several months before I decided to end it, citing the difficulties of keeping love alive with thousands of miles between us. And that was that, until a couple decades later when social media invaded our lives

A lot had happened during those years: Being a flight attendant wasn't the thrill I'd expected, and I moved back to Minnesota where I settled on a career in retail. I'd been married for 13 years, had four children and gone through a harrowing divorce which made life very interesting for a while. He'd waited longer, finally settling down in a neighboring Minneapolis suburb with his wife and young children.

He sent me a friend request on Facebook a few years ago and on occasion, we exchanged messages. Nothing flirtatious, nothing scandalous. Lots of laughing about old times, old jokes. Old lives. Sometimes our talks went late into the evening, though. A cocktail or two would be had, and memories would bubble up to the surface, some of them still tender even after the passage of so much time. One recent chat turned into an exchange of YouTube videos of songs that reminded us of each other. That night, I fell asleep listening to INXS and dreamed about the 80's. During a recent conversation, he suggested meeting for lunch somewhere, to catch up. In my naive mind, it was no big thing. We even joked about how different we look now. But I have a habit of being blissfully oblivious as to what constitutes a societal no-no. So I checked with my best friend/moral compass, who pretty much gave me an OH HELLS NO before I could even finish the sentence.

"Well" I thought to myself. "She's married. I should check with some of my single people." And that's why I asked my readers, since many of them are in the same divorced boat with me.

I was being vague with my readers because I'm pretty sure Old Flame reads my blog and I didn't want to be rude. Also, I'm a Minnesotan who is also a Libra and terrified of offending people.

The response was, like with my friend, a loud and clear NO FREAKING WAY regarding getting together with Old Flame. Regardless of intentions, no matter how innocent it may seem, most of my awesome readers felt it was a terrible, no good, very bad idea.

We ended up not meeting, and communication has dwindled. Which is probably a good thing, right? RIGHT?? See, I am so clueless. It's frustrating.

So many of the comments were disparaging of my Old Flame. His character was questioned, people discussed the integrity of his marriage. "No happily married man communicates with old lovers. Period." I understood the emotions behind these statements, after all, I write a lot about infidelity and cheating, so it makes sense that most of my readers have experienced it. We are a cagey bunch, you know. Once bitten, twice shy and all that jazz.

It made me wonder if it's a no-no to be friends with former loves only if your marital status is the same? Were my readers questioning his motives simply because I'm single? If I were happily married, as he stated he is, would it make things less shady?

One thing I did mention on the Facebook post was how I'm tired of getting attention from married guys. My flirt-o-meter may be broken, but my brain isn't...so when I get a text or a message from one of the married men, I know exactly what their intentions are (for the record, Old Flame never went there). It's not like my phone is buzzing with texts from married guys all the live long day, but it happens now and again. I really do feel as though I have a Married Man Magnet stuck to my forehead at times.

A couple of the comments addressed this particular issue, and what they said about it has been rattling around in my brain ever since. One woman suggested maybe the reason the married fellas come sniffing around is because THOSE are the men I'm giving attention to...at first I was all "Bitch! Please." That stung, lady.

But then I read another comment and that really woke me up. I felt as though she could see into my head, and that freaked me out more than a little bit.




Gah. Could this be me? It's true...I adore most of my friend's husbands. But I don't feel like I give them any more, or special, attention. To me they are more like nice big brothers. And in that case, maybe what this commenter said about them being "easier to talk to" and "safe" does apply to this situation. Maybe I really am more comfortable opening up to them. Being my true self. Because there is zero risk involved.

As far as Old Flame is concerned? That's where it gets murky. Whether or not I was/am ready to admit it, there probably was a little (okay, some amount greater than a little) "what if" thrown into all of the warm fuzzies one experiences when taking a walk down memory lane.

What if that was my one real love and I threw it all away 25 years ago?
What if we only get a certain number of chances at this relationship thing and I burned through all of mine in the first half of my life?
What if I am destined to be everyone's perpetually single Aunt Jenny, showing up at parties wearing chunky necklaces and Eileen Fisher tunics, carrying a tub of my famous spinach dip?

In hindsight, I am so glad the meeting with Old Flame never took place. Looking at it from other perspectives made it perfectly clear: the past needs to stay in the past. What really clinched it was looking at the whole thing from a wifely viewpoint, one I'm not used to peering through anymore. I had to dredge up those old feelings, remember what it felt like to be betrothed and how scary it was when that bond was threatened by some force, real or imagined.

It sucked. It made me go back to those awful nights when I couldn't get a hold of my then-husband. Standing out in the front yard, leaving slightly desperate, verge of weeping messages. Finding receipts for dinners that he brushed off as "work things". That time he misplaced his cellphone and the look of terror in his eyes when I picked up my phone and said, "Here, I'll call it." He batted that thing out of my hands so fast, you'd have thought it was on fire. "No!!" he cried out. "Don't call it!"

My marriage died slowly, day by day over several months. Had I known it was in trouble, I think I would have been a bit more suspicious about things like cell phones left who knows where and receipts from steakhouses showing two dinners and two bottles of wine were purchased for a "work thing".

I know for damn sure my worry flags would have sprung to life if I'd discovered my hubby was chatting online with his old, very serious, girlfriend. The flags would have jumped off their poles and slapped me upside my dumb, blind head if I'd found out he was planning on meeting her.

So. Yeah. Probably a good thing that we didn't meet.

I'd rather keep my memories and my what ifs somewhere safe, where they won't do any harm to me, or anyone else.


Jennifer blogs about life after divorce at The Happy Hausfrau. Connect with her on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

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My Resources

My resources

Are exhausted

Still I am not depleted

Today I feel

Energized

Rather than defeated

My resources are resourceful, like UN-escapable love

You have no idea all I am capable of

Divide me into sections

Each of me in thirds

Soul, body & mind

Thoughts, deed & words

I am perfection

Nimble like my forces

You can be the same because…

…You have my resources

Follow me on Facebook Tony Haynes

Check out these and some of my other books on Amazon.com
SpiritChili
A Few Poems From Words I Found In Divorced
Spiritchilism By Definition
This Has Everything To Do With My Life

For more information check out www.tonyhaynes.webs.com, Wikipedia – Tony Haynes and All Media Artists.com – Tony Haynes (the bottom of this page has links to 86 of my songs on YouTube… hope you enjoy!) — Tony

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What Raising Kids Alone After Divorce Feels Like

The other night, I had a few friends over to what I consider to be my lovely new home. It's all mine. Paid for by me. Decorated by me. Infused 100% with my style, taste and spirit. When friends walk into my new home, they all say the same thing, "Now this house is so YOU." And it is.

As we laughed and talked late into the night, one of my deeply intuitive friends asked, "How are you? Are you really doing OK?"

"Yes.. I'm great," I replied enthusiastically.

"I know you are," he said. "But I sense a tiny bit of sadness in this house. A repressed sadness that you need to let out."

I felt the familiar choke in my throat and pushed it down. Because I was not going to allow myself to feel anymore sadness than my divorce had already caused me. I knew what the sadness was about and I was not yet ready to deal with it.

A few days later, another friend of mine commented on how beautiful my children were. "Thank you, they are, aren't they," I mused. "Just the other day, my daughter did the cutest thing..." then I trailed off. And I realized why I was so sad. As I had this realization, it took everything in me to hold back the tears.

These were stories I should have been sharing with my husband. The funny stories about the kids, the cute things they do together to make each other laugh, the uncanny way they look so similar yet are so completely different. The crazy things they say. The infuriating things they do. But he's no longer here. And I'm alone with nobody to share the stories with.

When my son pulls his sister around in a sleeping bag on the floor and they collapse into a fit full of giggles, there is nobody to share the moment with. When my daughter said, "I love you" to me for the first time in her baby voice, there was nobody there to witness it. On Saturday mornings when the 3 of us pile into my bed together with our arms wrapped around each other, I try to feel like a "family" but the truth is, I don't. There is a missing piece. A minus one. An incomplete puzzle. And it's then that I realize why my house holds that "tiny bit of sadness" still.

What does raising kids alone after divorce feel like? In one simple word...HARD.

There are some basic things that are ridiculously challenging for me to do with the kids because I'm doing it alone and don't have an extra set of hands. Like getting out of the car...

I have a toddler and a 5 year old and getting out of the car is a Herculean feat. Strap on the Ergo, get my daughter out of her carseat, strap her into the Ergo, find a place to stuff my money and keys (typically in my bra). Get my 5 year old out of his carseat, try to balance toddler while blocking my 5 year old from running into the ongoing traffic. Remember to bring both of their sippy cups, snacks and all other random items they will inevitably need in the 20 minutes we will be in said store or else full meltdowns will ensue. Find a shopping cart. Strap toddler in, argue with my 5 year old about why he can't stand up in the back of the cart. I am already 20 minutes into this adventure and I'm sweating bullets and haven't yet made it into the store. Or the Starbucks. Yes - It's the same process to get a chai tea latte. I don't want to get into how challenging it is once I get into the actual store and have to shop. Or buy the cup of coffee and add that to the balancing act. But let's just say that many a perfect stranger have out of sheer pity offered to hold my child, help me out to my car, or buy me a drink after witnessing how friggin hard it is.

One could argue that I could save these little outings for when my children are with their father. And I often do. But unfortunately my food shopping and errands don't always neatly line up on the days I don't have my kids. And for my own feelings of self-worth, I take these things on to prove to myself I CAN do this alone, even though it's hard.

At the end of the day, taking on a Starbucks run or a venture into Target isn't the hardest part of raising kids alone. It's the emotional support that is not there on a daily basis which is something all us moms need. There is nobody there to assure me I'm doing a good job as a mom. Nobody to hug me at the end of a particularly challenging day. Nobody to make sure I've eaten or taken care of myself once I get them to bed. Nobody to hold me when I crawl into bed at night utterly exhausted. But mainly, there is nobody to share the complete and utter joy and gratitude I feel in my heart that I was blessed with these 2 amazing creatures who call me mommy.

Yes, I know that one day I will no longer be alone. That these days of struggling will be a distant memory. But just for today, I will admit...it's really hard.

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What It Feels Like to Have the 'Best Divorce'

Everyone tells me how lucky I am. Lucky my ex is a good dad. Lucky my ex and I are not psychopaths. Lucky we get along.

I'm just the luckiest woman ever! I have the best divorce ever.

It's ironic. People find me to have luck in the most unfortunate of circumstances. Why? Well see, I don't have a bad relationship with my ex. We work together, co-parent pretty effectively, and we communicate daily. He's not stalking me. I'm not stalking him. We aren't deadbeat parents. I'm not begging him for money. He's not being ripped off for his money by me. As far as all my divorced acquaintances and friends are concerned, I hit the jackpot. My married friends breathe a sigh of relief that my ex is a good dad and we aren't running up lawyer bills and screaming day in and day out at each other.

"Look, now you can both move on and you'll meet new people -- the right ones... it will all be okay" say each and every one of my friends.

In general, everyone is so happy about our situation.

Except for us.

I am indeed, fortunate, to have made the choice -- it's not luck, it's a choice who you pick to marry -- of marrying and now divorcing, a man who is a good father and person. I am not the woman whose ex hasn't called her kid in weeks. I am the woman who sat down with a sensible man and made up a custody schedule.

I cannot fathom the pain of a deadbeat parent or understand the insanity of the crazy toxic ex who makes your life hell. To all the people going through this, I am sorry for your situation. I am sorry things suck so bad. It is beyond painful, I am sure. But just because my area of the neighborhood has a few less "piss stains" and bare lawn spots than others, doesn't mean that I don't get to grieve.

I clap when a woman or man leaves a toxic person. I applaud and cheer the man who leaves behind a bad situation and moves forward for the new. I hug and support the woman who is raising a child alone. The dad who has to be a mom too. To me, it is a victory when people leave a bad human being.

But when someone leaves a good person? I have a hard time saying congratulations. I have a hard time saying, "Here's to your new shiny fresh start! Here's to your new life!"

We may not work together and we may not be the one for each other, but saying goodbye to someone you love and care about...someone who is in many ways, your only family and happens to be a decent person, is not easy.

Making the choice to leave a good person who may not be good for me and vice versa so we can both go out into the world and start over, is insanely difficult. There's nothing better than going back out into the dating world to meet a breed of older, bitterer, and for some reason, more intimidated of me than before men and hope for the best.

Then of course there are the people who tell me to enjoy being an independent woman because you know, one can't be independent and attached to someone. It's apparently a crime to want a companion. I am supposed to suffer being alone for years. Men are encouraged to move on and women are encouraged to stay strong and pump our fist in alone solidarity.

I may have the better divorce than most. I may be blessed with an easier situation. But before you dare to tell someone who is in an amicable divorce about how lucky he or she is to lose a bad marriage with a good person, I tell you this:

Be quiet. Shush it.

No matter how the divorce ends up, a loss is a loss. I lost my best friend and family for almost eight years. The single one person I can count on. The only person I have ever loved. I am sorry if I don't want to put up my pom-poms each day and say, "Hooray!"

I know we made the right choice. I know this is the path I am supposed to take. I know we will both move on and have started to mingle as single people and that maybe I will meet someone who is not terrified of a smart woman. Yet knowing this is the right choice does not make swallowing the bitter drink easier sometimes.

My daughter and I spent our first night in our new home the other day after losing the marital home to the bank. We celebrated with ice cream and she told me, "I'm going to get the blue ice cream -- the cotton candy kind -- with rainbow sprinkles. You know, like the kind I got when you, and me, and daddy were all together and we all lived in the same house?"

We are moving on, all three of us, but we haven't forgotten our past and all three of us, him included, miss how it was -- the three of us as a little family.

And somehow we forget, as we miss and weep, the luck we are supposed to be celebrating.

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Dump the Baggage: Make Room for Possibility

Recently on my way home from New York, I was cursing myself for oversleeping and getting a late start to the airport. I'm a procrastinator and hate mornings- a bad combination for early departures. When I arrived at the airport, I raced down the walkway, maneuvering my baggage the best I could manage. I landed in the skycap line out of breath.

"You're overweight" said the skycap.

"Jesus. Well, good morning to you, too," I said and mouthed a "What the fu-?" to the guy behind me.

"Ma'am," the skycap continued "you've got excess baggage."

"Seriously?" I asked. "It's that obvious I'm marginally, or maybe somewhat f*cked up just from looking at me? You can eyeball me in an instant and know I've got issues without any knowledge of my parents' divorce, my test anxiety, a bully ex-husband, and my I've-just-about-had-enough-of-happily-married-couple attitude? Are my fears and resentments really that palpable?"

"Lady, you have multiple bags and they each need to weigh less than 50 pounds. This first bag is tipping the scale at 102 pounds."

"Oh," I responded, "Yeah, that one is filled with resentments. It's actually lightened up quite a bit in the last year."

"Whatever, lady. Your baggage is clearly over the limit. You wanna take a moment and remove some of the excess or at least redistribute it?"

"Oh, I see. So let me get this right," I said. "On this cold, windy morning, you want me to get down on my knees, on the rough ground, in my brand new $27 Donna Karan tights, bend over, despite a line of nine businessmen behind me, unzip my suitcase, reveal my unconventional packing methods to the world, risk the possibility of my unmentionables catching a gust of wind, at which time I would have to chase my Hanky Panky stretch lace panties into oncoming traffic where I'd likely be hit by a bus full of South Koreans fresh off the plane for a great exchange rate vacation in America. Yeah... No, I don't think so." Damn, I was out of breath again.

"Ma'am," he said, "you've got too much baggage. You've got to deal with it."

"Right here and now? On the curb at LaGuardia, you want me to deal with my excess baggage? And just how do you suggest I magically do that? Is there a leather couch beyond that conveyor belt? Can't you just deduct years of emotional abuse from my Sky Miles account? I've made a lot of progress post-divorce, but 45 years of baggage, that's gonna take more time than a layover in Detroit."

"Ma'am, see the sign hanging above? This drop area is a drama-free zone. You look resourceful, I'm sure you can find a way to reduce your excess baggage."

"Buddy, I'm a divorced, 45ish-year old, single mom of three boys. I'm seriously at the bottom of the American food chain. Read plankton, dude. I'm shocked you can even hear my voice."

My rant continued, "I've got an entire bag filled with resentments. Another is cholk-full of therapy and divorce lawyer bills. You think I can just stuff the extra baggage into another bag to lug around? Or, worse, convince a sweet, lonely man to take these things off my hands for a while?"

"Um," piped up the guy behind me in line, "I don't mean to be rude, but I can't take on her excess baggage. I'm on my second mortgage, my third wife and may have my fourth heart attack in this line. I've hit capacity."

"I guess you're stuck with it, lady" said the skycap. "I'm gonna have to charge you $135."

"I'm good with that," I said, "Those carry-on types are total bores. You see, that fourth bag is my bucket list. I'm headed to all kinds of unknown destinations on the next leg of my journey. I can't wait to see what's around the corner as I continue to get stronger and more adept at leaving the past behind."

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Help Kids Express the Sadness That Comes With Divorce

When divorce happens, much changes. For kids, it often means a disruption in their routines and changes that are unwelcome. Some things won't feel right for them; their discomfort might be expressed in resisting new routines or exaggerating what was positive in how things were before. More often they will simply be expressing appropriate sadness for what has been lost. Perhaps there was a bedroom they loved and painstakingly decorated themselves. Or perhaps they used to walk to a special friend's house and now have to be driven. Maybe they've had to change schools and feel awkward and friendless. These are real losses for children; sadness is the emotion that will help them express their disappointments and sense of loss.

Listening to their unhappiness can be difficult, but it's also an important part of helping them adapt. Sometimes, we are temped to emphasize the positives of their new circumstances and minimize sadness and loss. Yet, in order to help kids stay emotionally healthy, we need to allow space for their sadness to be expressed.

1. Accept and talk about your child's unhappiness

When you see your child is feeling sad, resist the impulse to cheer him up. Instead, reflect what you see: "I see your face is sad when you talk about not having a trampoline anymore. That was one of your favorite activities, and your trampoline can't fit in our new yard." Allowing them to talk about what they miss, reassures them that they can talk about their sadness and you'll hear them without making them feel guilty. If we rush too quickly to talk about the positives, kids will think that their losses are insignificant and they need to hide how they really feel. Sadness is a normal reaction. It is a reflection of the negative aspects of what's happened to them. You might want to share a few of the things that have been hard for you as well. This shared experience will help them feel less alone and know their feelings are normal and something others feel as well.

2. Allow full expression of sadness

Expressing sadness will not be a one time thing. When we make changes, we'll have layers of sadness. Certain experiences or memories will make us aware of another aspect of what we've lost that we hadn't thought of before. Make space for this, and don't assume your first discussion is your last. Sadness can constrict our sense of freedom and hopefulness in the world. We want kids to feel comfortable expressing and releasing emotions rather than stuffing or denying them.
Kids need reassurance that their feelings are normal and that the intensity of a feeling can change over time. Encouraging the expression of sadness will give them the ability to meet future disappointments with greater ease. Often kids are more adaptable than we think and allowing space for their feelings is all they need to move forward.

3. Create a ritual of letting go

When kids have had enough time to express their sadness, you can help them move beyond their losses. We can't change their reality but we can help them accept what has happened and cultivate an openness towards the future and new possibilities. One way to do this is through ritual. There are many cultures that create rituals around difficult life experiences. Rituals serve as a concrete way to symbolize acceptance and letting go. Consider creating your own unique ritual together.

Here are some ideas:

Let It Dissolve With Fire
Write about something you want to release on a note card. In a circle create a ceremony where each person takes a turn lighting their note and watching it it burn and turn to ash.

Let It Go With the Wind
Attach something symbolic (a letter, an object or a picture) to a balloon and either together or individually, let it go.

Let It Float Away
Write your thoughts on a piece of paper and make a paper boat, releasing the boat into water and allowing it to float off to sea.

You can create prayers, recite poems or sing songs as part of your ritual. However you do it, it will be a remembrance to honor the past and to welcome the future. What rituals have you formed with your children? I'd love to hear, share with me @PeggyKTietz.

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An Open Letter to President Obama: Kelly Rutherford's Custody Case

Dear President Obama,

I know that you are a busy man, but by now I'm sure you've heard about Kelly Rutherford's plight to bring her children home to the United States of America? As you are probably aware, Kelly Rutherford and Daniel Giersch's children (two American-born citizens) were ripped from the arms of their primary parent by Judge Teresa A. Beaudet in an unprecedented move designed to cater to Daniel's inability to enter the United States of America.

You see, Mr. President, Daniel's visa was revoked due to suspicions and swirling allegations that he is an international drugs and weapons dealer. I ask you, if the United States has deemed this individual suspicious enough to ban him from our country, how are we allowing these two young children to be removed from their country and be shipped off to a foreign land where neither parent actually has citizenship? Plot twist: Daniel is a German citizen and Kelly is an American citizen yet the children are residing in France.

In an interview with People Magazine, Kelly was asked about the moment that she heard Judge Teresa Beaudet's decision, Kelly replied,

I remember when she made the ruling, I just thought, 'There's something wrong here. Not because of their father and I or anything -- I've always wanted my kids to have a relationship with him, and I've really only encouraged that all along.

When I went into court, I never asked for money, and I never asked for full custody. I just wanted what was right for them and their well-being moving forward.

In a statement released by Kelly's attorney, Wendy Murphy, she explained the driving force behind this new petition which will be landing on your desk very soon,

This is a political problem for President Obama and a constitutional problem for the courts. The president recently issued an executive order declaring that children born in this country to illegal immigrant parents must be allowed to remain in this country.

Mr. Obama specifically talked about the importance of mothers and children being allowed to stay together in America. How could Kelly and her children not be entitled to at least the same legal protections?

If Kelly's children are not rescued from involuntary expatriation to France, it would mean that President Obama believes non-citizens are entitled to greater rights than citizens in this country."

Labeled by legal consultant, Dan Abrams as "The worst custody decision in United States history," this is a your opportunity to correct a heart-breaking situation which continues to baffle and terrify American's across the country. I encourage you to bring Hermes and Helena back to their home in the United States of America.

Click here for Kelly's petition

Sincerely,

Tina Swithin -- Family Court Advocate

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The 10 Best Things About Getting Divorced

By Lizzy Smilez for DivorcedMoms.com

I don't know a single person who has gone through a divorce and thought it pleasurable. Divorce is tough, ugly, acrimonious and, well, it pretty much sucks. But if you look closely enough, I'll bet you can find many great things that emerged from your divorce. I know I can. And when I think about it and remind myself of the positives, "thriving my divorce" seems a more accurate description of my experience (sort of). Hey, at least I learned to laugh again and have fun!

So I picked my ten favorite things about my divorce. It actually wasn't that hard. Consider making your own list.

1. It ended

Winston Churchill said "If you're going through hell, keep going." This quote ran through my mind countless times during my marriage. In fact, I once posted it on my Facebook page. None of my friends really knew what I meant by it but I did. I knew I needed to keep moving or I would stay right there. It's been a tough battle to finalize the divorce but at least it's over. I no longer need to live in a constant battle zone.

2. The whole bed is MINE

When my husband and I split, I spent several nights sleeping nearly sidewise on the bed. I wanted the whole dang thing to myself and it felt fabulous. No more sharing. It was all mine mine MINE. It was symbolically powerful.

3. Purging the ugly stuff

I got to get rid of all the stuff I hated. Like the ugly framed print that was hanging in the loft. And the tacky Christmas ornaments? They'll never hang on my tree again. No more doing his laundry and putting away his work pants that were always too short and wrinkled because I refused to iron them anymore and he was too lazy to do it. His ugly brown leather couch? Gone. Everything I own now is clean, fresh and pretty. It doesn't look or smell like him. I love it.

4. No more compromising

All of a sudden, instead of fighting over everything from vacation plans to walking the dogs, it was done. Bed times, cleanliness, vacations, food in the fridge, noise levels... My home, my way. What a nice switch.

5. Peace

My marriage was extremely high conflict. I literally never knew from one moment to the next if a huge argument would erupt. When we separated, the realization that I no longer had to walk on eggshells was exhilarating. At times, I was almost giddy. It meant everything.

6. Living in truth

Oftentimes we hide the nature of our marriages from others. At least that was true for me. Most everyone my husband and I knew thought we were a happy couple. I hid our reality in shame and embarrassment. It was exhausting. When we split, it was a relief to live in truth. I no longer had to pretend to be something I wasn't. I decided to open my life and blog. Everything is now out there for anyone to read. This approach isn't for everyone but it works for me.

7. Emotional healing

After my marriage ended, the healing began and it was high time that it did. I'll never be completely healed. But I've survived it and I'm doing really well. Had I stayed married, I'd still be sustaining more wounds. Lots of retail therapy, self-help books, vacations, the love of family and friends and meditation helped. I had really bad days but it got better and better. The important thing was to be nice and forgiving of myself and to give it time. They say that time heals all wounds. It's true.

8. Physical strength

In addition to my emotional well-being, I started working on building up my physical strength, too. That meant a new workout routine, a new pledge to eat healthier and take my vitamins. In the initial aftermath of my split, I could hardly eat because of the stress. I dropped a lot of weight (which was kind of cool). But once I started eating again, I used it as a starting point for changing up my whole look -- clothes, hair, makeup. A whole new me. Stronger and better. More resilient, tough, and fearless.

9. Rediscovering what passion meant

When I was married, I was watching a TV show of two teens who were madly crushing on each other. Finally they connected and shared their first kiss, I started sobbing. I wanted to feel that excitement again and I didn't think it would ever happen for me again. I was married and I didn't like my husband very much and I was stuck. Fast forward to the new single me. When I was ready, I started dating again. I finally met a guy I really liked and when we kissed for the first time, I felt like the teens on the TV show. I got the butterflies and fireworks!

10. Bonding with my girls

Divorce was hard on my two daughters. But we emerged from the divorce experience with a closer relationship than ever. We cried together. We hugged a lot. I allowed them to be angry and talk it through. I was as close to them as they let me but I gave them space when they asked for it, too. On weekends, I implemented mommy-daughter slumber parties where we watched movies until late at night and slept together in my bed. No doubt that the transition wasn't easy but we did the best we could. In the long run, the divorce is far better for them and they know it.

I feel a bit like the phoenix who has emerged from the ashes. A little tarnished and imperfect, but a survivor nonetheless.

More from DivorcedMoms.com
The Best Advice My Divorce Attorney Ever Gave Me
I Knew It Was Time To Leave When My Husband Drugged Me
Why Every Mom Needs A Backup Child Care Plan
10 Signs Your New Guy Is The Right Guy

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Company Incorporation in Myanmar - 100% Foreign Ownership

By Thai International Law Firm Co., Ltd. - Bangkok, Thailand

The Republic Union of Myanmar laws and regulations are different in many aspects.

Finally, a Therapist's Red-Flag Guide of Single Men to Avoid

Note: This one is for the single women of the world - one for men will follow ...

You're a single, professional woman, and you'd like to find a long-term partner. On the surface, you'd think that finding a mutually rewarding and healthy relationship would be easy, but we all know it is not, and here's why: The pool in which you're fishing is shallow and poorly stocked, my friends. We're looking for top quality fishing, and all we find are throwbacks ... must we settle for less than we want and deserve? Of course not. There are ways to locate a person who's a healthy fit - it takes time, patience, being deliberate and mindful in the process.

First, what is a great guy, and what is a throwback? We have to define the terms.

What a great guy is was defined by the cave woman millions of years ago. The most prized man in those days was strong and healthy, faithful, had a cave in a safe neighborhood, could protect her if needed and was great at hunting and gathering. Cave woman wanted to be safe, have healthy children and plenty to eat. She wanted to survive.

Things haven't changed much, except for now we also throw love and personality into the equation. Today's great guy is someone who is confident, kind, intelligent, consistent, commitment-oriented, secure, honest, healthy, smart, fun, funny, emotionally available, able to make you a priority, interested in life, and a hard-working provider. He digs you. These guys, by my estimate, are less than 5 percent of the available male population.

Where did I get that number? Personal and professional experience, and uh, statistics ... the type of guy you want exists, he's just found in the 17% of the population whose IQ is above average - 110 or above• - and even more important, is capable of objective, abstract and critical thinking and processing - with that addition we need to whittle the number down to 5 percent.**

The others are throwbacks by professional woman standards. They may be good people, but they aren't good partners. Throwbacks haven't honed their brain - literally - they haven't maximized their human potential. Perhaps they've taken the easy path in life, haven't applied themselves, feel a bit entitled, maybe even stunted their brain's potential with chemicals or not continuing their education ... in a word, they're immature. Note to throwbacks: No need to take this personally or send hate mail, that would prove my point. Simply begin developing yourself so you can reach your relational potential. It's about time, don't you think?

Now, as a public service I have prepared a list of throwback red flags you need to look out for:

1. Still tethered to mom and/or birth family after age 35 - If they tell you their family comes first, you never will.
2. Over age 40 and having had either one (usually) short marriage and/or very few or no long term relationships. Don't fret over not being able to grab this one, despite his age, this person, who physically looks like a man, is still a boy, and chances are he has a secret that only the liquor store knows for sure.
3. Hangs with a bunch of guys who fall into # 2 listed above or are terrible husbands.
4. Brags about how his children will always come first, and he's an empty-nester. See explanation in #1 listed above. They're well meaning, but terribly misguided.
5. You're not sure what he does for a living. Sometimes he's working, sometimes not, but whatever it is he does, there's no name for it, when he talks about it you don't understand it, and no one has ever seen him do it.
6. He wistfully talks about the good old days when he used to be successful. When times were good, he bought his women expensive jewelry and cars like they were a penny a pound, he traveled the world and had his picture taken with Mother Teresa and Nelson Mandela and they asked for his advice. But today, all he can give you is a toothpick after you pay for dinner. Don't worry, he says, the good days shall return ... in the meantime, can you loan him a hundred bucks?
7. Never ignores a short skirt, pretty leg, ample booty or boobs size B cup and above. No explanation necessary.
8. Misunderstands or doesn't understand most of what you say. Sorry, but there are a ton of men out there who look and dress well but just don't have many kilowatts upstairs. If you say, "I am looking for a man who is capable of emotional intimacy," and his defense is, "I am very emotional," run!
9. Smokes pot, uses drugs. Those of us who are still alive and lively appreciate men who are present, motivated, energized, and healthy. Pot suspends your ability to tune into other people. Need I say more?
10. Hates his job. If you don't like what you're doing, make a plan to do something else, then do it. Stagnation is a turn-off, and the top 5 percent wouldn't dream of it.
11. Doesn't monitor his health. He's sick and a tooth is loose but he won't go to the doctor or the dentist. Girls, if he doesn't get check ups, doesn't floss, and avoids doctors you'll be dating a ticking time bomb with no teeth, and worse, he's the type who won't get Viagra or Cialis when the day comes.
12. Unemployed trust fund kid. These guys have the bucks, but are as boring as freeze-dried hamburger and have the maturity of a 15-year-old.
13. Personalito Nondevelopmento. Speaking of boring ...
14. Not curious. You're together and he never (or barely) asks you anything about you - good Lord the minutes will tick by slowly with this one - and if not you, what is he interested in, anyway?
15. Controlling. Wants final say over what you think, feel, believe, do and where you go? No thanks, dude.
16. Poor provider. A mutual decision for him to stay home with the kids is OK, but there's no bigger turn-off than a man who is unwilling to be a provider.

Although that's a long list, unfortunately it is not a complete list. I'm sure you will help me to think of some more. But the good news is that although 95 percent of men are like the ones listed above, we still have that allusive 5 percent we can choose from. Where are they? Most are in relationships, because they are commitment-oriented, but sometimes women stupidly kick them out, and occasionally, as horrible as it is, their partners pass away. Your job is to be patient, ready and aware so you will recognize a jewel when he shows up.

*http://www.mind-development.eu/stages-development.html#piaget
**Ibid.

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Is It Legal to Keep Abandoned Personal Possessions?

By HG.org - Houston, Texas

Anyone who has ever found someone else's wallet has probably experienced that momentary moral dilemma of deciding whether to return the wallet or to keep the contents. Wherever you may have come down on that decision, the law actually does have some fairly clear guidelines for how such situations should be handled.

Are Single Parents All Created Equal?

I recently wrote an article entitled, "10 Things This Single Mom Wants Her Kids to Know," in which I discussed raising my three children post-divorce almost entirely on my own. You can read it here.

My now ex husband has been living overseas for more than five years, beginning (almost to the day) two years prior to when we officially separated during January of 2012. Although we legally agreed to joint custody, the reality is, due to my ex's proximity (or lack thereof) to our children, I retain full physical custody of them most of the time. So when I titled my article and referred to myself as a single mom (which I wholeheartedly believe I am), I didn't anticipate being met with criticism from others who argued I am not, in fact, a single mother because my children's father continues to play a role in their lives.

To that I say, bullshit.

My ex husband and I are, for the most part, amicable, though we still occasionally hit bumps in the road like so many other divorced couples parenting children from two separate homes, ours being located some 8,000 miles apart.

Almost daily, my ex communicates with our children via FaceTime, text or email, and either visits or travels with them during most major school holidays and for a few days every couple of months or so. He pays support -- to them and to me.

I, in turn, stay flexible, accommodating last minute trips so he can see the kids whenever he is able.

We both love our children.

Our situation "works." Is it a perfect one? No. Are there worse? Yes. Are there better? Yes, to that as well. Am I a single mom? Well, I guess that all depends on how the term "single mom" is defined.

If you ask me, I will tell you I am a single mom -- with an emphatic YES.

I have debated this topic on numerous occasions with my own mom, once a single mom herself. She has since remarried and been married for more than 25 years, but from the time I was 13 years old and my brother 10 when my father suffered a massive heart attack and died, she raised us alone. And by alone I mean without financial assistance, little money, and limited emotional support from family and friends. And after being a homemaker for the entire duration of her marriage, following my father's death my mom returned to work as an administrative assistant in order to make ends meet.

My mom's single parenting experience and my own are by no means the same. I acknowledge and appreciate that. I lived through both (though one as a child of a single mom), and I contend neither scenario is more representative of single parenthood than the other.

By way of comparison, my mother was a widow and I am divorced, and my ex is still involved in his children's lives whereas my own father could no longer be. But, in many ways, our situations are not all that different. And it's these similarities, I argue, that make a divorced mom (or dad) also a single mom (or dad).

Leaving money out of the equation for just a moment, let me say, single parenting is a state of mind, regardless of how much involvement an ex spouse has in his or her children's lives. And it's this state of mind that pervades every thought we as divorced parents have throughout each day. Divorced single parents are never and, I repeat, NEVER at rest. Even when not physically with our children, we are mentally worried about them, particularly as we relinquish control and knowledge of our children's whereabouts to an ex spouse.

Of course, there is a broad spectrum as to how much comfort we take in the care our children receive from their other parent. Every family varies. But I venture to say, even in those best-case scenarios, regardless of how loving and capable the other parent is, and how much faith we have in them, a little part of us still feels trepidation when our children walk out the door. Not to mention that post-divorce feeling of no longer being included in what was once deemed "family" time.

It defies logic then that the most difficult divorced single parenting moments often come when we are with our children. Those times when they long for their other parent, the one they no longer see as much or at all (or, in some cases, never saw to begin with), whether en route to the bathroom or at the kitchen table while eating breakfast before school or dinner after a long day. That parent who is late to or cannot attend every Little League game, piano recital, or school concert, or who never attends at all. How many of us would rather suffer such disappointment ourselves than watch our children endure it?

For a divorced single parent, time is NOT money.

It's also important to acknowledge the physical toll parenting after divorce takes. I would think due to its obviousness, it shouldn't require much explanation. Yet I often find it does, especially to those married parents who don't quite "get" the difference. From last minute trips to doctors, dentists, and the ER, to late night trips to the 24-hour pharmacy and kids home sick from school; from car trouble to carpooling with car trouble, to juggling play dates, school activities, and endless household chores, divorced single parents, when we are enjoying custody, are parenting solo, meaning there is no partner there to... partner.

Add work, financial pressure, special needs (whether a parent's or a child's), and whatever else we can or cannot foresee, it should be easy to see how exhausting, both mentally and physically, a divorced single parent's life can be.

Not always.

Of course, if we are single parents by divorce, it's possible we weren't getting such support during our marriage and that's why we are, among other reasons, no longer married. But it doesn't change the basic premise we as divorced single parents may still not be getting what we need, what EVERY human being needs at one time or another -- an extra pair of hands, a hug, the security of having someone in our corner, or maybe, just maybe, even a special someone who will hold us in their arms as we drift off to sleep.

Single parenting is a way of life, whether we are parenting our kids on our own full-time, part-time or sometimes, or during those times when our children are with their other parent and we are "off" for the day, night or week. Where our children sleep is merely a matter of geography.

No, not all single parents are created equal. Some of us have it easier than others, and in different ways. Some of us have it more difficult, and in different ways. We can debate until we are blue in the face what constitutes those "better" or "worse" situations. But what I bet most of us can agree on is, although we would never have wished the difficulties single parenting entail upon ourselves, we also wouldn't trade our lives for anyone else's.

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