The Supreme Court's Impact on Same-Sex Marriage and Divorce

In a truly historic decision, the Supreme Court ruled in the case of Obergefell v. Hodges that same-sex couples may exercise the fundamental right to marry in all states. As Justice Kennedy eloquently stated in the Court's majority opinion:

"It would misunderstand these men and women to say they disrespect the idea of marriage. Their plea is that they do respect it, respect it so deeply that they seek to find its fulfillment for themselves. Their hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization's oldest institutions. They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right."

The Supreme Court has now defined marriage to include same-sex couples who desire to enter into the commitments and to receive the rights and responsibilities that come with marriage. Gays and lesbians can no longer be relegated to second-class status citizens in states that would ban them from marrying or having their marriage recognized. This universal recognition conferred by the United States Supreme Court brings uniformity to treatment of same-sex couples for federal as well as state purposes for crucial legal issues such as spousal benefits, retirement recognition, social security, adoption, tax filing status, and health care coverage.

What had previously existed for these couples was a confusing legal patchwork of 37 states, plus Washington, DC, allowing same-sex couples the right to marry, while 13 states prohibited the unions. As would be expected, this severely impacted hundreds of thousands of people in the LGBT community who had to fear a job transfer or a simple relocation to one of those prohibition states.

This sense of dread and lack of security would be further multiplied if the marriage was not succeeding and there was a growing possibility of divorce. In addition, these uncertain legal prospects would be made even worse if children were involved. As a result, these couples would have the prospect of marriage in one state and then moving to another region and not having access to a divorce if things were not working out. This universal recognition conferred by the United States Supreme Court effectively gives access to justice to same-sex married couples who have resided in the 13 prohibition states and experienced marriages that do not succeed. These couples can now seek relief from the Courts to dissolve their marriages, make decisions regarding their children, support, property division and all the other critical issues that are addressed in domestic relations cases.

Overall, with this landmark decision from the United States Supreme Court, there is no longer anything called "same-sex marriage" or even "same-sex divorce." In its place, is now something we can all inclusively refer to as a marriage or divorce. This is the way it should have been all along.

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6 Ways Your Divorce Is Harder Than It Needs to Be

Divorce is generally unpleasant. Oh sure, we all have that friend who sails through it with a smile on their face and a spring in their step, never exhibiting an outward moment of hesitation as they move through the divorce with an almost unicorn-like dignity and grace. Then there are the other 99.999 percent of us. I have been in the ugly tear-stained trenches of it all as my little one was ripped from my arms screaming for his Mommy. I have made some stupid mistakes, more than once. Sometimes I wonder if all the difficulties I have been through are the reason I am effective in this line of work. I promise I will not ask you to do something I haven't done before, and I really understand how you feel when you sit down in my office overwhelmed and in pain. Real, excruciating, pain that feels as if you have been punched in the gut. Not sleeping. Not eating. Feeling as if you are in a daze and as if all this is happening "to you" without any input, without any control. Your spouse may get your house, your children and steal your financial security, but the process may be more difficult than necessary. I am aware that I am not always easy on my clients. It is my job to tell you what you sometimes do not want to hear. There is no reason to pay someone thousands of dollars to just agree it's not your fault, unless, of course, that someone is your therapist. There are many different ways to get through this time, some more effective and healthy than others. After 21 years of practicing law, I would like to say I have seen it all, but just about every week we see new forms of additional self-imposed misery. So here are a few tips and what to avoid doing to make this divorce process a little shorter, less traumatic and maybe a little less expensive too.

1. You want what she/he is having.

In divorce, as in life, if you spend the days lamenting over what is going on with your ex, or anyone else for that matter, this will not lead you to your happy place. There will always be someone richer, younger, thinner, smarter, more accomplished along the way. No good comes from worrying about the things others have, material or otherwise. Your ex has a new significant other, a new house, a new car. Your ex is traveling the world (and they never did this with you). Your ex is spending your child support payment on their nails or golf. They are now father or mother of the year, and they never even changed a diaper! You cannot control someone or their actions, but you can control your reactions.

You can choose instead to be happy they stepped up to the plate with the children like they never did before, or that they have a nice house or car for your children to enjoy. You can just be happy they are not your problem anymore. These worries are serious "time wasters" that take the focus away from our own lives and happiness. They also make really crappy conversation starters with a new friend or love interest. Bitter and jealous are simply not fun to be around. As a big believer in Karma, wish them well and then move on to more important issues like your own happiness. Make sure your own glass is half-full or even better overflowing with new love, new friends and a happy home, even if it is a town home.

2. You believe you are not accountable for the failure of your marriage.

You were the kindest, most loving, nurturing spouse that ever was there -- I believe you, I really do. Are you at fault? Yes, you married someone who did not believe in your fabulousness. Most of the time, if we are really honest with ourselves, (not always easy or pretty, I know) we might admit, albeit reluctantly, we knew the very thing about our soon to be ex that now leads us running to the divorce lawyer. Of course, there are exceptions to this observation but so very often the signs are right there, the pink elephant we chose to ignore. They were mean to other people, you had wildly different views of the world and life goals, they were financially irresponsible while you saved every penny, and the list goes on. You thought you could "fix them" or perhaps maybe just give up an essential piece of your soul and what matters, to make them happy. Then one day we wake up and realize the marriage is over, or perhaps they decided enough is enough, but we all play a part. When there is no singular fault and when we all accept our piece of where and how it all ends, we move on faster, we fight less, we spend less on lawyers and most importantly, we are less likely to make the same mistake again.

3. You can't forgive.

Well of course you can, but you just don't want to. I am NOT going to tell you that you have to forgive -- you don't. It is certainly your prerogative to hold on to that anger and hatred with all the passion and love once directed at your former beloved. You want to hold on to it tightly because it was a really awful horrible thing that was done to you. It is, after all, the reason you are in this mess in the first place, right? Someone else did this to you (see number two above). There are some things that are unforgivable after all, are there not? Someone slept with your best friend, beat you, left you or lied to you. So don't forgive, but be prepared to pull out your checkbook for your lawyer and the therapist for you and maybe your kids too.

Anger and hatred have a direct correlation to a longer, messier divorce and higher attorneys fees while we punish the wrongdoer. Maybe you can change the dynamic with a little change in perspective. People who hurt us are often broken themselves with complicated stories and reasons that may have little to do with us. Maybe we should feel sorry for them instead of angry? Maybe we should realize how sad it is they will never know how they were loved, or be capable of giving love the way it was intended. The truth is forgiveness is not a favor to others; it is a favor to you. It frees up a space inside you for significantly better things. Think about the words "angry" and "bitter" and think of an image. Do they make you happy, do they look light and beautiful? Sometimes I wonder about the moments of our life. Would our moments be different if a clock was running down the moments left in this life on our new Apple watch? Would we choose to waste them rehashing the harms done to us, or choose moving forward towards more moments of joy? There is huge power in not allowing someone to steal more minutes of your life with anger or regret. So go ahead and stay mad or take back your power, forgive and lower those attorney's fees, after all.

4. You believe you are entitled to the same life.

I often work against expectations so huge that Cinderella's fairy Godmother could not deliver them (and don't get me started on her; that girl has lead more people down the path to divorce, but I digress...). If you come to me or any lawyer believing you can have the same life you had before you divorced, you will be sadly disappointed and will spend unnecessary time and unnecessary fees. The math of divorce is simple division. Divide by two, your income and assets, and multiply by two, the amount of bills. Sounds great, right? I don't care if your lawyer wrote the book on divorce, the story always has the same ending, everyone will have less. Even in the biggest cases it applies. I call it "park the plane," everyone will tighten their belt or maybe just give up a house or two, but nobody gets to have it all. You simply can't believe, you might have to give up your custom decorated 10,000-square-foot apartment in Tribeca, and will pay any amount of money to avoid this travesty of justice. Your righteous indignation is blood in the water and the sharks are circling. Have a low-calorie alcoholic beverage and save those attorney's fees to put a down payment on a nice new penthouse on 5th Avenue.

Feelings of entitlement are costly and set us up to be disappointed in this life. You are both entitled to a life at the end of this mess but it will be a different life for you both. Maybe I am a cynic, (after all these years, who could blame me?) but there is no way to ensure your happiness other than to make sure no one else is responsible for it. Work hard, own your own destiny and be grateful for what you have, even if it is 50 percent less that you used to have; it is so much more than many others.

5. You surround yourself with "yes" men.

They might be your best friend from summer camp who you have known since you were 10, your parents, your sister, your brother, and all too often, your lawyer. Your "yes men" are the ones that support whatever you do no matter what. They nod in agreement whenever you call your ex a complete jerk, they agree you deserve to "get it all" for what the other party has done to you. They encourage you to fight for things you are not entitled to, they encourage you to use your children, hide your assets, fight for unreasonable positions and generally condone your bad behavior. They never see the other side, never hold you accountable for your actions, sometimes just because they love you unconditionally. Some of my dearest friends and family however, have been those who have held me accountable for my own piece of some fairly tragic "life detours" (people seem to really dislike the term mistake). Sometimes we need the people around us to tell us to get our shit together, to toughen up or lighten up. We say "no" to our children everyday because they need to know there are limits and expectations. No is not a bad thing. Be aware of those who agree with everything we do or say. Listen to those who show the real mirror to the not-so-pretty behavior. We all need to be reminded that this is not the end of the world, that no one is guaranteed a particular life unless we create it for ourselves and that who we are at the end of this crazy ride is what really matters.

6. You think too much about you.

There is nothing that makes people feel worse about themselves than being singularly focused on what is wrong with their day, their life, their kids, their job, their appearance. Perspective is the greatest gift we can allow ourselves to move toward being happy. I can focus today on my broken faucet, ice maker jamming up, piled up laundry, my daughters four cavities (no, that is not a typo, and yes, I brush her teeth). This which will now require us to fly back from vacation for the procedure because her Reactive Airway Disease makes sedation too risky now with her recent Bronchitis. In the alternative, I can focus on a friend who just lost her young husband with two young daughters and think about her. Today her pain is bigger than any pain I can imagine, her strength and courage fills my heart with awe that life is hard and people are so very resilient. These people and stories are a gift to remind us this too shall pass and there is more life to be lived. Look outside your pain and your struggles. Your house is not big enough or nice enough? You have a home. You have family that loves you but are driving you crazy? There is someone alone tonight. So try to focus on doing something that is not about you at all. Stop for a whole day and try not to complain about anything. Say out loud "someone has it worse, I should be grateful." You will be better prepared for this little bump in the road we call divorce.

I know divorce sucks, it is not supposed to end like this no matter how it ends. Someday you will be through it, hopefully sooner rather than later. Don't torture yourself or your spouse unnecessarily, you will make the lawyers rich, the judges annoyed and your children cranky. This divorce is a gift, a new life, different but better than ever, if you let it be. Get there as fast as you can, that clock is ticking.

© Krista Barth 2015

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(Step)Fatherhood and the Blended Family

In 1986 my husband -- well, he wasn't my husband yet -- won the county spelling bee. I lost. His blue eyes and stellar spelling skills captivated me. We were 11. Later that year I would write in my Garfield diary, Joni Edelman, Mrs. Joni Edelman, J. Edelman, 73 times -- ok 373, but who's counting. A lot of years, and life, would transpire before I'd actually be Joni Edelman -- 23, but who's counting.

In those 23 years, I'd get married, have three babies, get divorced. I'd go to college, become a nurse, buy a car, buy a house. I'd cry a lot, laugh a lot, learn a lot. And he'd do some of those things too.

When we were 35 we managed to seal the deal. I brought to the table the following: huge SUV, student loans, vintage Pyrex collection, three kids (9, 11, 14). He brought: tiny eco-friendly car, fat 401K, vintage drum set, cat (16).

Parenthood is hard. People say that all the time, Oh parenthood is HARD. It's the hardest thing you'll EVER do.

People don't lie. By the time Matt and I exchanged our (self-composed, thank you very much) vows, I had already been a parent 15 years. I'd seen first steps and first teeth, broken bones and broken hearts, pneumonia, a urologist, and everything in between.

He had a cat.

To be fair, the cat did have some fairly significant medical issues.

But still, cat.

Nothing can really prepare you for being a parent. And there is no damn way anything can prepare you for being a step-parent. Matt went from cleaning cat litter to raising teenagers. BOOM. It's a bit of a leap. Teenagers can be a challenge even if you had a good lead up to raising them. There was a lot of crying. A lot of the tears were mine.

When you love someone so deeply -- your children, your husband, even your cat -- their happiness is really sort of your happiness. And their misery? Also yours. They are woven together in a tapestry that is your whole world. Those first couple of years of our relationship were pretty miserable at times. We bought a house. I quit my job. And because we didn't have enough going on, we had another baby, and then another baby. There was a lot of joy. There was also something that wasn't joy-like at all.

If parenting is hard, step-parenting is water torture (Step-parenting a cat is significantly easier by the way). I imagine it's hard to love someone who you've only just met, as if they were your own child. But when he said he loved me, implicit in that was he loved them too. He does.

It was Matt who bought my son Sean his first trumpet. Matt, who paid for the lessons. It was Matt who bought my oldest daughter Kelsey a car. Matt, who built a custom bike for my son, Owen. Matt puts the roof over our head. Matt told me that I should quit working to be available for them. He's driven to a hundred music festivals, sat through some really horrible band performances (in the early years), and still applauded and said he was proud. He pays for band camp and clothes and shoes, and all the things that come with having kids, and he never ever says, "Man, I could have gone to Hawaii with that money." He's been there when their own father couldn't be, worked to pay for the opportunities they wouldn't otherwise have had. He has lost sleep over their education, where they would go to college, how we would pay for it. And after I held them, in their fears and sorrows, he held me while I cried for them.

There isn't a mountain he wouldn't move, not a horrifying trombone solo he wouldn't sit through, for these kids, that aren't his own. And the thing that is hard about that is... he isn't their dad. At the end of the day, he's just Matt. Even with six years passed, there is still tension at times. He is still Matt. There is love too, of course, but he'll never be their dad (and wouldn't try to be). And nothing he ever does for them, will ever mean as much as the things their own father does.

Parenting is hard. Parenting the kids you only just met, the ones whose first steps you never saw, whose skinned knees you never patched, whose tears you've never dried, that's a whole other thing entirely. Matt does it, he doesn't complain, even when he doesn't get thanked, even when he's backset to their actual dad, even if they hate him, he loves them.

He's a parent. Being a parent is hard.

***
This story by Joni Edelman first appeared at ravishly.com, an alternative news+culture women's website.

More from Ravishly:

Deluded vs. Actual Parenting: Things I Said I Would Never Do (And Then Did)
Mom-Inspired Cocktails: 17 Drinks For The Modern (Exhausted, Overworked) Mother
5 Things Friday: What Teens Want To Tell You

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Want to Make Sure Your Kids Get Over the Divorce? First, Let Them Go Through It

I've made a children's picture book about what it can feel like to go through a divorce or separation. Mine doesn't try to convince kids that the divorce is for the best. Instead, it cuts to the chase about how empty and unhelpful that phrase is to kids.

My title, Divorce Is the Worst, has provoked criticism from parents who resent any negative language around their divorce. Even recently divorced friends have told me they are reluctant to share it with their child because "he's doing so well." They don't want to introduce the idea that divorce is a big deal.

Meanwhile, the book has been welcomed by kids, counselors, teachers, lawyers and librarians. In presentations to groups of kids, some yell when they hear the title: "That's for sure!" and "You can say that again!"

Just as sex education doesn't "give" young people the idea to have sex, acknowledging that divorce is disruptive, life-changing and often hard isn't what makes it so.

I was 14 years old when my parents told me and my four siblings about their decision to divorce. They said it was for the best, and it was, for them. For me, it was the worst thing that could happen to our family other than a death.

My parents portrayed their divorce as a positive thing: a solution to the problem, not the problem. They told us not to let it affect us. It was a bump in the road, that's all.

Though they claimed to also be fine with it, my mother had an edge of meanness in her voice now that was brand new; she sang along to Patti LaBelle's "New Attitude" and discussed our father's flaws with us. We saw Dad for dinner on Wednesdays -- an awkward event we dubbed "broken home night" from which I always returned hungry (not for food, just more of him).

Though the messages from both of them were mixed, they were clearly suffering a loss. I concluded that my pain was trivial next to theirs. No one had died and I should be grateful I still had two parents. And then, God help me, I chose a side: theirs.

For the next 25 years, the two sides battled it out inside me: my parents' need for a divorce vs. my attachment to our original family, the one that still smiles at me from childhood photos.

Lisa Spiegel, Soho Parenting cofounder and director, describes the impulse to minimize the impact of a divorce on kids as protective in its intention. "There's this idea that to address or mention any negative feelings may make the child feel worse," says Spiegel, who works with parents and children. "But that is not in tune with a child's reality. Acknowledging the impact does not create the impact -- it was already there."

When children's lives and homes unravel, people are quick to wave it away (usually as a way of comforting worried parents), saying: "Oh, kids are resilient -- they'll get over it." Cartoonist Lynda Barry describes "the resiliency of children" in her book 100 Demons as "the ability to exist in pieces" and she calls it what it is: "a hope adults have about a child's inner life, that it's simple, that what can be forgotten can no longer affect us."

"A child needs explicit permission from the adult to have their own feelings," says Terry Real, a family therapist, best-selling author and founder of the Relational Life Institute. "Taking care of the parent implicitly or explicitly by not sharing feelings and not burdening the parent is a really bad idea for the child. The parent needs to step in and make it clear the child's feelings are not a burden."

Here's my view, born of experience and supported by child therapists and divorce mediators today: until we stop telling kids the divorce is for the best (as if that is a comfort), they may continue to experience it as the worst, long after the initial announcement that rocked their world. You can't get over something you never went through in the first place.

Real resilience is earned, by going through stuff and seeing it for what it is. In the meantime, kids aren't resilient so much as dependent. Life comes at them. They take it in and keep going -- but not because they're so Zen. What choice do they have? Our children will love us and remain loyal to us through almost anything. That's what kids do to survive. They will even join us in pretending.

"When there is support, processing, narrative and comfort around trauma, we tend to be able to feel our feelings and experience our pain," Spiegel assures. "We recognize that there are other loving figures around us and move through it."

Parents don't have to feel guilty for their divorce or stay in an unworkable relationship. But we have to recognize that our experiences are separate from our children's. That backpack they haul from place to place each week? It holds way more than anyone can see.

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9 Reasons Why Arnold Schwarzenegger Has Couples Therapy All Wrong

In a recent Howard Stern interview, Arnold Schwarzenegger stated that going to couples therapy at the end of his marriage was, "the biggest mistake I ever made." He went on to bluntly disparage the therapist and to call his efforts to help the couple "nonsense talk."

I can't dispute Mr. S' experience in his particular therapy sessions, with that particular therapist, and with his particularly hurt and horrified wife who had recently learned that her husband had fathered a son several years prior with one of their household employees.

As we already know, Schwarzenegger and his wife, Maria Shriver, ended their marriage presumably because of this revelation. So, in other words -- and to extrapolate on what Mr. S has already said -- the couples therapy was deemed useless because the marriage didn't remain intact.

But that's not how it works, people. Couples therapy can help those in flailing marriages. It can help get couples back on track. It can help salvage marriages on the brink of divorce. It can also help end marriages that have no business staying put.

Here's a realistic look (from a couples therapist) at what you can expect (and not) from couples therapy:

1. It can't save your marriage. Only the two people in a marriage can do that. If a couples therapist tells you he or she is going to save your union, run in the other direction. This is snake oil, folks. And its purveyors prey on those desperate enough to believe it.

2. It isn't a perfect system. Each and every couple needs something different -- that's obvious. No two marriages are alike and what derails a marriage is unique in circumstances and details. Couples therapists -- good ones -- work hard to meet each couple where they are. Then the therapist does his/her best to tailor the therapy accordingly. There isn't one technique that works for every couple and what may help one couple heal may be another's Achilles' heel.

3. It can't change your partner's mind. No therapist in the world is going to be able to change the mind of someone hellbent on leaving his or her marriage. Face it, by the time some couples actually get to therapy, their marriage is a hot mess. A couples therapist can certainly outline the positive aspects of remaining married -- and encourage clients to give theirs a fair shake -- but magicians we are not.

4. It can help you communicate more effectively. I argue this is the one and only thing you can truly expect from good couples therapy. A therapist who will listen to the way two partners communicate and make suggestions for more empathic discourse. Couples lose their way when the communication channels start to break down. Couples therapy can help turn that around.

5. It can't guarantee a desired outcome. Couples therapists can only work with what a couple brings to their therapy sessions. If both partners are ready, willing and able to make significant changes, the couples therapy can help with that. There is no right or wrong outcome when it comes to couples work. And the only truly reliable outcome is the one both partners co-create.

6. It can help you understand your partner's behaviors. Throwing in the towel because you simply can't understand where your partner is coming from? If partners can't explain what's happening for them in the marriage -- either because they don't know or they can't express it effectively -- couples counseling can shed light on behavioral patterns and systems that may be damaging the marriage.

7. It can put you in the hot seat. My guess is that Arnold figured this one out pretty quickly. Although there's rarely one "bad guy," there are sometimes extreme circumstances that act as the low-hanging fruit in a collapsing marriage. Arnold's behaviors in the marriage certainly gave the therapy a running start. My guess is there were some really, really uncomfortable moments for him in those sessions.

8. It can be confusing. Sometimes couples leave sessions feeling worse than when they went in. And there are reasons for that. For one thing, you're basically dredging up a lot of discontent. One partner has his list of woes, the other has her list of complaints. It's the therapist's job to honor both partners' experiences in the marriage while guiding the couple toward reason -- and understanding of the other's perspective.

9. It can be worth a shot. Divorce ain't easy for anyone involved. Even if you want a divorce, better to really investigate your role in the unhappiness in the marriage before you pull the trigger on dismantling your whole life. If there are children involved, even more reason to drag thyself to therapy. If you do decide to divorce, you'll want to be able to tell your kids you tried everything to hold the family together. And that, for better or worse, includes couples therapy.

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17 Things Your Kids Will Appreciate Hearing After You Drop the Divorce Bomb

One of the most heartbreaking and difficult aspects of a divorce is telling the kids. Not a child of divorce myself, I can't pretend to know how it would feel to be so young and innocent and have your heart shattered when you hear shocking news that gives you a sense your family is falling apart. That said, I do have children of divorce, and I know how they think and react to certain situations, divorce included.

Upon hearing their parents are splitting up, kids become understandably frightened of the unknown, and they feel the anxiety of having to juggle two homes, two single parents, being "different" from other kids, and feeling unsure that both parents are going to be there for them in the future just like they are now.

The good news is, once both parents are settled in their new homes and lives, the kids tend to be relieved and even happier than they were at the end of their parents marriage, because they no longer have to bear the burden of the underlying tension, arguments and the coldness they saw in their mom and dad towards one another. It's the time when healing and adapting to the new normal can begin. But until that time, it's extremely difficult to watch your kids in pain.

Here are 17 things you can say to your kids in the hours, days and weeks after you and your soon-to-be-ex tell them about your divorce:

1. There are going to be lots of changes, but here is what won't change. My love for you and your mom's (or dad's) love for you. Both are constant and ever lasting.
2. This must be really, really scary for you. I get it. But you won't feel this way for very long.
3. I'm here for you, whatever you need from me.
4. I will talk to you and listen to you for as long as you need.
5. I will hug you as much as you want.
6. I will pray with you.
7. I've got you.
8. Every kid knows kids who have divorced parents. They aren't going to be as surprised as you think they are, because you aren't their first friend to tell them your parents are getting divorced.
9. We are still a family filled with love. That will never change.
10. You are special and you mean everything to me. I feel such gratitude that I'm your mom (or dad.)
11. If you are angry, that's OK. But get it out. Tell someone. I can be that person if you want. You can yell and scream and hit something if you need to.
12. It's OK to cry. It's a good thing, actually, even for boys.
13. You can ask me a million questions, even the same ones over and over again and I will answer you.
14. If you heard me on the phone with someone or you saw me crying, ask me about it. I will be honest with you.
15. I will always love mom (or dad's) family because they will always be your family and they love you so much.
16. Things are going to be sad for a little while and then down the road, they won't be anymore.
17. The best thing I ever did was have you.

I'm not saying that these are the end-all and the answers to your problems. I just feel like I know how kids of divorce think, and I know that if I were a kid, these are things that would comfort and soothe me tremendously. Of course, in addition to comforting kids with words, countless hugs and kisses are good too.

Jackie Pilossoph is the author of her blog, Divorced Girl Smiling, and the comedic divorce novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase. She also writes feature stories, along with the weekly dating and relationships column, Love Essentially" for Chicago Tribune Media Group local publications. Pilossoph lives in Chicago. Oh, and she's divorced.

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Real Estate Finance Obstacles in Egypt

By Youssry Saleh Law Firm - Cairo, Egypt

Real estate in Egypt is considered one of the main industries that have a significant effect on the gross domestic product and according to the world folio the growth rate of real estate sector in Egypt accounted 8 % in the 2013 GDP also, this sector absorbed about 14.9 % of the employment.

Why I'm Not Too Broken Up About Being From a "Broken" Home

I'm not a big fan of the term "broken home." It reeks of melodrama. "The poor child! She comes from a broken home! How ghastly!" I've also never really understood the phrase, "Staying together for the kids." When I hear about couples doggedly and unhappily sticking it out for this reason, or a parent being torn apart about what a divorce will "do to the children," I generally just want to shake everyone involved and shout, "What do you think living in a home with a tense, unhappy, loveless marriage is going to do to them??" Kids are pretty astute. They know when something's up. They know when mom and dad are secretly seething at each other over the dinner table, and (spoiler alert) they can definitely hear you when you fight behind closed doors.

I guess I'm just saying don't martyr yourself in an unhappy marriage for the sake of your children. If you decide to end it, and do so while ensuring your kids know you both love them and will always be there for them, odds are your kids are going to be a-okay. Yeah, they might shed a few tears initially and they'll definitely be an adjustment period, but they'll hardly be ruined for life (unless you totally screw it up by being petty and immature and putting them in the middle, in which case you're probably totally screwing them up anyway).

Would it have been nice if my parents had gotten along and stayed together and we had all been one big, happy family? Of course. But that would also by definition mean that my parents would have been two entirely different people than who they actually were. And as an adult who can look back and remember their dysfunctional, miserable dynamic, I would never wish it on either of them for my sake.

Maybe that's a key to growing up: the realization that your parents are people outside of just being your parents. They have whole entire emotional inner lives that we are pretty selfishly unaware of as kids (and that's the way it should be). If my parents had waited to split when us kids had all left the nest, I'd like to think I'd tow the line of, "You let yourself be miserable for 20 years for us? Jeeze guys, we would have understood!"

Bottom line, your kids love you, and if they grow up to be empathetic people capable of complex thought, they'll understand. And to be totally honest, there were plenty of times when my parents did put us in the middle and did make us little mediators and did do a lot of the things that all those fancy divorce books now say not to do, but guess what? As an adult, I still understand! They were hurting. They had never ended a marriage before. They were just trying their best. And I still love them (and you can be sure I still call home to tell them when their favorite movies are on TV or when I'm wondering if Raid is poisonous to cats).

So divorce if that's what you need to do. The kids will be fine as long as you continue to be loving parents who they know they can always depend on. And if you're not that, then yeah, expect them to have issues -- whether you stay married or not.

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A Legal Overview of Child Custody and Support in Divorce Cases

This comment provides a very brief and incomplete educational overview of the law of child custody and support. Always consult an experienced attorney, family therapist, and advocacy professional, as appropriate, in all family law matters.

The legal concept of paternity is foundational for child support requirements and may additionally be important in inheritance situations. Paternity may be a matter of biological parentage, adoption, or created by a signed "acknowledgment of paternity" or a judicial proceeding. A voluntarily signed acknowledgment of paternity typically may be rescinded (cancelled) for only 60 days after the date of signing and subsequently only challenged in court on the basis of fraud, duress, or material mistake of fact. Some statutes contain a five year statute of limitations (time period in which to sue) to challenge or attempt to overturn the acknowledgment. Disestablishing paternity is frequently difficult. The details of paternity litigation, as well as the legal status of frozen eggs and related reproductive technologies, are beyond the scope of this brief commentary.

The overarching legal standard in situations involving children is "the best interest of the child." This standard invites a broad factual inquiry. Under this umbrella, couples in child custody contests present negative evidence concerning each others conduct. Private investigators and "self-help" investigations are not uncommon. A particularly despicable tactic is a false allegation of sexual abuse or domestic violence. Conduct that endangers the physical or emotional well-being of the child may impact not only custody and visitation but may be sufficiently severe to result in the termination of parental rights altogether. Termination of parental rights might result from, for example in an incomplete list, child abuse and neglect, child sexual abuse, or parental illegal drug use, alcoholism, or other incapacity.

To reduce both emotional tensions and the impact of this public airing of grievances on the children, many states require some form of mandatory confidential mediation in an attempt to reach a recommended out-of-court resolution of child custody issues. Be prepared to encounter a variety of negotiation tactics and blustering. Additionally, statutes may require a social study or other evaluation before a final custody order is entered. A guardian ad litem report may be requested, typically in the broad discretion of the judge. It is tragic when parents fight each other through their children.

Another sometimes unfortunate occurrence is when the custodial parent lies to the child about the other parent, producing what is called "parental alienation syndrome." In a milder form, parents may utilize gifts and privileges in an attempt to unfairly influence the children. Try to avoid doing this as children need to love and respect both parents as much as is possible under the circumstances. Children above a specified age (often 12) are allowed a voice in custody matters. Parental conduct that attempts to alienate the child from other family members has no easy legal or psychological resolution.

Grandparents and other third parties may seek custody or visitation rights. A preliminary question is if a state statute allows these individuals "standing" to be heard in court. The U.S. Supreme Court in 2000 in a splintered decision held that a Washington state statute that allowed "any person" to petition for visitation was too broad (Troxel v. Granville). The plurality noted that "the liberty interest at issue in this case - the interest of parents in the care, custody, and control of their children - is perhaps the oldest of the fundamental liberty interests recognized by this Court." Consequently, state courts often narrowly interpret "standing" questions, particularly to the detriment of step-grandparents and same-sex or unmarried partners. An unfortunate consequence is that a non-parent may be caring for a child that parents are unable or unwilling to care for, but the non-parent has limited ability to make health care or other decisions concerning the child. An experienced attorney must review the legislation and judicial decisions of a particular jurisdiction.

Many states follow a child support formula based upon the income of both parents, called the income shares model. Some look at a percentage of only the support obligated parent's income and expenses. The exact model varies and must be researched for a given state. The payment amount is also subject to any special needs of the child. Child support might be deducted directly from a paycheck and paid to a designated administrator. This creates a more reliable record of payments than direct payments to a parent. In an attempt to avoid support obligations, a non-compliant parent may frequently change jobs and move out-of-state. There is a federal Parent Locator Service. All states have enacted some version of the Uniform Interstate Family Support Act.

Collection of unpaid child support might be accomplished, in an incomplete list, through wage garnishment (money deducted from a paycheck), a writ of execution (seizing property such as a bank account), civil and criminal contempt of court, and obtaining IRS tax refunds under the Federal Income Tax Refund Offset Program, among other methods. Driver's licenses and occupational and professional licenses might be subject to suspension due to unpaid child support. Utilize an experienced attorney in these situations.

In some situations child support may extend past age 18 for a special-needs child or to provide for college education. Disobedience of custody, visitation, and child support orders may be punished by contempt of court proceedings. Be cautious about the effectiveness and enforceability of promises to pay money in the future. Better to create by court order a present trust fund administered by a reputable financial institution for a future expense such as a college education. State agencies that provide aid to families with dependent children may seek to collect unpaid child support and have a variety of state and federal tools to accomplish this. Consult with the appropriate office. Child support payments are not tax deductible; however, in the absence of an agreement, the parent that pays more than 50% of the child's actual support may be able to claim the child as a dependent on her or his income tax return.

Visitation rights are determined under the best interest of the child standard and might be subject to supervision in the discretion of the judge. In the interest of harmony and the child's well-being, couples may craft creative joint custody agreements subject to court approval. States are starting to enact model legislation related to military parents, the Uniform Deployed Parents Custody and Visitation Act
.
Courts have broad authority to issue temporary and permanent orders and modifications of previous orders regarding custody, visitation, and support. The typical requirement for a modification is a showing in court of significantly changed circumstances. Beware of oral informal understandings not approved or ordered by a court. These practices are frequently not legally enforceable and additionally may form the basis for a modification request in court. Conventional wisdom suggests that one take the legal and moral high ground and not engage in self-help actions. Document all violations of court orders and report them to your attorney or to the court. Do not allow intimidation or bullying; however, always be aware of the emotional state of the other person and attempt to objectively assess the likelihood of violent or rash actions. As necessary and without hesitation, involve the police or your attorney. Consider filing a motion for contempt of court for a continual violation of court orders. You may be able to obtain attorney's fees and court costs as part of a court's finding of contempt. Should a parent who is subject to a child support order file for bankruptcy, the bankruptcy court has no jurisdiction to stop the collection of child support or modify the support order.

Parental and third-party kidnapping is addressed by statutes such as the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act, Uniform Child Abduction Prevention Act, International Child Abduction Remedies Act, International Parental Kidnapping Act, and a variety of treaties under the Hague Convention. Experienced private investigators and legal professionals are required in these situations. There is a Passport Denial Program in some circumstances involving unpaid child support. Many tragic situations have no easy resolution but an experienced advocacy organization may be helpful.

This comment provides as very brief and incomplete educational overview of a complex topic and is not intended to provide legal advice. Always consult experienced legal, family therapy, and advocacy professionals, as appropriate, in specific situations.

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The Dating Reminder Middle-Aged Women Unfortunately Still Need To Hear

A few months ago, I was on a "dating over 50" panel intended to offer male perspectives to an entirely female audience.

The hostess, a "dating coach," invited three men -- the boyfriend of a friend of hers, the man she was dating at the time, and me -- to impart our experiences and advice. The boyfriend of her friend seemed a little shy and seemed not to want to be there, and his advice was bland but fine.

I tend to be pretty direct, and believe if women want the male perspective, I should offer it warts and all. I wasn't harsh or negative, but I shared my opinions frankly. Foolishly, I figured that's what they wanted.

The guy the hostess was dating at the time was ripped from the pages of "Sensitive Over 50 Guys in the 21st Century." He was fawning, gushing, practically springing leaks -- all his advice and anecdotes were sandwiched between ravings about how wonderful his girlfriend (the hostess) was.

It was such an over-the-top performance that I was genuinely physically uncomfortable each time he spoke. If I had been wired, I'm sure my blood pressure would have been shown to spike every time he opened his mouth.

The women, however, loved him.



They almost literally swooned at the guy's lavish praise for his main squeeze. His comments about dating weren't exactly bolts of wisdom worthy of interrupting our regularly scheduled programming, but they were okay, pretty much what one would predict from a guy so clearly eager to score points -- and perhaps dates -- from his listeners.

And of course, the dating coach/hostess/girlfriend lapped it up. If it were possible, her head would have spun around with giddy glee.

About three weeks later, I called the dating coach hostess on a business matter. I asked her how the boyfriend was doing.

Well, he was no longer the boyfriend. Gone. Why? I asked, 95 percent sure of the answer. He turned out not to be so sensitive but rather a "narcissist" -- her word. Unsupportive. Selfish.

No! What a shock. I could have told you this eventual outcome just listening to his Ode to My Amazing Girlfriend yammering on the panel.

I get that, and I accept it. That's his schtick, his way of getting over. Lather on the praise to the point of suffocation and chances are most people are left too breathless to wonder what it really says about the one doing the praising.

So I don't blame him for laying it on thick.

But I do blame the gullible women in the audience for buying the snake oil, and especially his then-girlfriend -- a 'dating coach," remember? -- for being taken in by this BS.

So what? Who cares? Well here's so what.

Women over 50 ought to know better. One would think they would be able to distinguish between unbridled bullshit and expressions of love and affection after five-plus decades, and even be able to see those not-so-hidden traces of narcissism in that behavior.

Maybe not. I certainly can be charming when I want to be, but I lose points for being, as I said, direct. I think it's important to be diplomatic and positive when offering advice, but I think we learn the most when that advice is also honest and helpful even if it may not be what we want to hear. Turns out I may well be wrong about that.

The hostess' Mr. Sensitivity turned out to be the exact opposite of what he appeared to be. It reminded me of a college roommate who used to claim he never put anyone down but was in fact one of the meanest people I've ever known.

But again, I'm not concerned about one narcissistic guy pretending to be something he isn't. I'm not a dating coach, but as someone who has dated a bunch, I do feel a commitment to urge women -- especially mature women -- not to be so easily taken in.



To these blushing women, Mr. Sensitivity was the guy they dreamed about. Except he wasn't. He may have been the guy HE dreamed about!

I'll take the hit with women over 50 if I dare to be direct and warn them that the charmer who is telling them how wonderful they are today may be unsupportive, selfish and gone tomorrow.

I just didn't think women over 50 still needed that reminder.

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

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Compliance To Prevent Losses

By GRP Rainer LLP - Cologne, Germany

For their own benefit, executive boards ought to issue carefully defined rules of conduct. Compliance is an important topic both from a legal and media perspective.

Digital Assets in Estate Planning

By HG.org - Houston, Texas

Many individuals account for their real estate, securities and tangible property as part of their estate plan. However, much of people's lives are now online, potentially leaving a person's digital assets unclaimed or even susceptible to theft. A comprehensive estate plan should address the handling of digital assets.

Statute of Limitations for Collecting Debt

By HG.org - Houston, Texas

For torts, crimes and even the collection of debt, there are laws regarding how long a claim is actionable. These laws help provide a sense of finality for affected individuals so that they do not have to forever be worried about potential adverse effects.

Are Verbal Agreements Binding?

By HG.org - Houston, Texas

Verbal agreements are contracts even though they were not memorialized in a writing. Assuming that the contract is valid, the verbal agreement between two parties is binding. However, verbal contracts may have unique complications to them.

Concept and Purposes of Due Diligence in Spain

By Mariscal Abogados - Madrid, Spain

The due diligence refers to an investigation procedure prior to acquiring or investing in a project. The aim of the due diligence is to give the investor or buyer a full knowledge of all the costs, benefits and risks involved in the transaction, so that he can take a reflexive decision.

The Reason Ice Cream Made Me Cry

No, I'm not lactose intolerant. The reason ice cream made me cry is not that straightforward. To explain my bizarre reaction to ice cream I have to go back a few years - to when I first separated from my wife Arlene.

When I first moved out of the house, my youngest was 4 ½ years old and all three of my children were under ten. We didn't do the usual 'one weekend with me, one weekend with you' that a lot of divorced couples do. First of all, I wasn't going to wait two weeks to see my kids. Fortunately Arlene and I had a good relationship (well, maybe not at first) but a good divorced relationship. No screaming and yelling and blaming each other in front of the kids. Based on our schedules I usually took the kids either Friday or Saturday and dinners during the week. Plus, we attended all of the kids' activities without incident.

The days I spent with the kids usually ended up with us going out to dinner, then to Blockbuster (yes, it was that long ago) to pick up a movie. Last stop before home would be to the closest supermarket to pick up dessert, which was usually ice cream, whipped cream, and chocolate syrup.

I can't remember the last time we did that; my youngest son will be twenty-one this September. With that in mind, I was quite surprised by what happened to me a few weeks ago.

I was in the supermarket picking up something for dinner when I saw a young father and two kids near the frozen food aisle. Suddenly I found myself holding back tears and this incredible wave of sadness came over me. It hit me that an entire aspect of my life was gone forever. Obviously I knew that before I started weeping like a schoolgirl in aisle two of the Stop 'n' Shop but seeing this father and his kids just drove that point home.

Why now? I've been going to that store for years since I had moved to this town. One reason could be the following:

Recently I came across a small, blue notepad. And in the notepad were pages and pages of my kids names, repeated like a mantra: Amanda, Daniel, Alex, Amanda, Daniel, Alex. When I pulled it out of the closet where it had sat for years, some of the pages fell to the floor. They were water-damaged and dirty, but to me it was like finding the Dead Sea Scrolls.



When I used to pick them up for our Friday/Saturday ritual they would fight to see who would sit up front with me. I came up with the notepad to eliminate all the arguing. I kept it in the passenger door with a pen and each time someone sat up front they would add their name to the list. I loved how they used both first AND last names so no other divorced dad's kids could cut the line. At the top of one page was written 'New Order Alex, Amanda, Dan'; maybe Alexander was feeling slighted at the time.

Two days ago I had my boys in the car with me and I asked them if they remembered the notepad and writing out their names. They looked at me like I was crazy then both said no (ungrateful little so-and-so's).

I think it was this initial flash of the past that prompted the ice cream meltdown a few days later. The universe is clearly telling me to 'get over it already'.

Until then, if you happen to see a six-foot-two man weeping quietly to himself in the frozen food aisle of your local grocery store you can blame Ben and Jerry for those tears.

Damn hippies.

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Developments in China Environmental Law

By MMLC Group - Beijing, China

On January 1, 2015 China made its biggest attempt in recent years to harmonise economic and social development with environmental protection through the effective of the People's Republic of China Environmental Protection Law (the "EPL"). This version was brought into motion on March 2014 at the Annual Session of the National People's Congress in where China declared war against pollution and emphasised the importance of amending its EPL with this aim.

5 Things I Learned From Watching My Husband's Sex Tape

Here's one of those quirks about getting married the second time around: you tend to be more experienced in several areas. Sometimes there is photographic evidence of this experience.

Once again, I find myself musing over how the digital age has kicked me in the rear end when it comes to love and sex. This time it was in my shiny new, second marriage. My prince charming; my perfect, divorced, single dad, who left me breathless at every encounter; my reason for getting up in the morning, had a sex tape. Ok, so the word 'tape' doesn't apply anymore, we all know I mean 'sex .mov.' And it's not singular either. Let's be honest, we all have gotten trigger happy since we don't have to make the commitment of actual rolls of film and frequenting one hour photo shacks, haven't we? I have 17 photos today of my son eating a Popsicle. I can't choose the best one, because I don't have to. So who would have just one sex tape when you could have dozens of files?

What was I doing on his computer when I had my own? I can't remember. He set me up there and showed me where I could do whatever it was I was doing, and then he retreated upstairs. Somehow I found folders that had nothing to do with my task at hand, and if you've read anything of mine you know I am a habitual snooper. Why was I snooping on my perfect husband who had never given me any reason to mistrust him? Because once an insecure snoop always an insecure snoop? Because my snooping had proved so fruitful in my past marriage I wanted to prove this one was different and I would find nothing. Because I was still irreparably damaged and convinced all men are lying, cheating pigs and I would always find something?

Yes. The answer is yes to all those and more. Within minutes I found a folder marked Private. Which is snooper's code for 'LOOK HERE NOW!' I got exactly what I deserved. An eyeful of thumbnails of a naked woman that I knew. I knew her because she was Facebook stalking me, I knew her because I Facebook stalked her back and compared every one of her public photos to myself. She was very pretty. I knew her breasts were perkier than mine when fully clothed, I knew her makeup was more professional looking, I knew she had higher end taste in attire. Now all a crazy, insecure woman needed was proof that she had no visible scars or stretch marks, that she didn't break out in hives after a bikini wax, and her breasts were perkier without the help of any undergarments.

My stomach sank into his leather office chair, the chair I felt extra privileged to be sitting in because this was his work space and the children and I never violated this space. He had welcomed me to this chair, and here I was violating his privacy and feeling like I would vomit on it. Nausea. Severe, acid tearing apart the walls of your stomach nausea. Would a sane woman stop there? I guess we'll never know because no sane woman lives here. I couldn't click play fast enough. His headphones were already plugged in so I could hear the noises, the noises of my perfect new husband screwing his ex. I had the visuals and the audio. There were still pictures too, but those pale in comparison to cinema.

I don't recall how many I watched. I do recall exactly what was done that I had never done with him, and the things I had never ever done. I do recall what was said that he had never said to me, and things I had never said to him, nor anyone. My hand was shaking on the mouse, and yet I persisted. The only thing that finally broke my horrific private screening was perfect husband coming downstairs. He smiled sweetly coming to check my progress, having no idea the shit storm he was walking into. I was crying, trembling, and how was it possible I was also turned on, and disgusted? I blurted out 'Am I not enough for you?! Sexually?!?' When he caught up he was bewildered how I found something he forgot existed. He was supportive and nurturing and apologetic throughout the process as I coped with this for a very long time. The rest is epic relationship history.

I can't unsee what I have seen. No one is meant to witness that. There was a time I didn't know if I would recover. For a long time when we were intimate, those images were all I could associate with and it was very difficult for me to enjoy those moments with him. It took months, probably years, I'm still coming to terms with it, but here's what I have learned so far from this experience:

1). You've had sex with people before each other, and that's a great thing. All those things that are perfect in the bedroom, that sex that is the best you've ever had, a 'Thank you' to the exes who came before you is in order.

2). Don't get complacent. You will always compare each other to the past. Strive to be the best. You have the rest of your lives to accomplish this so don't stress out, but don't get lazy. It's easy to fall into a rut and stay there. I am fortunate enough to have precise, visual motivation reminding me where the bar was set, you'll have to use your imagination. Keep it fun, try new things, but also see number 3.

3.) You are you, you will never be the ex, and for good reason. You don't ever have to do everything they did, or like everything they liked. There are many reasons you are in the exes place now, and that one position you don't care for is not one of them. Don't put too much pressure on yourself and just keep being the you your lover fell for.

4). We aren't exactly the same person in every relationship, and that's ok. Some things we grow out of, or grow into, some things are just roles we play based on the relationship we are in. Why did he like that thing with her and not with me? Where did those decorative pillows come from if he hates pillows now? Why is he wearing boxers if he only wears briefs with me? IT DOESN'T MATTER. None of these things are defining the stability and success of your relationship. You wouldn't recognize yourself if you watched footage of a past relationship, this is no different.

5). If you dig up the past you are to blame for all the dirt that gets thrown around. Sure, I was hurt and angry and I wanted to put the blame somewhere. Initially, I called him a sexual deviant, I accused him of holding on to these files for his sick pleasure, but I new by the time stamps in the file properties they hadn't been accessed since way before we got together. I knew many consenting adults try this form of sexual expression, and even though I hadn't, it's not out of the realm of possibility for me. I got the shovels out, I dug, I dug deep, I am to blame for the mess.

While I wouldn't recommend popping popcorn and settling in for a night of your spouse's homemade pornos, I wouldn't undo what I've done now, because it forces me to accept these things and face my insecurities head on. Maybe you can learn from my experience, without being haunted by the images.

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Contract of Inheritance and its Consequences

By GRP Rainer LLP - Cologne, Germany

One's final will need not necessarily be drawn up in a testament. A contract of inheritance is also a possibility. That being said, it is difficult to subsequently alter a contract of inheritance.

Arizona Reduces Punitive Damages in Insurance Bad Faith Case Again

By Jaburg Wilk - Phoenix, Arizona

In Arellano v. Primerica Life Insurance Company, 235 Ariz. 371, 332 P.3d 597 (App. 2014), despite finding an insurer's conduct moderately to highly reprehensible, the Arizona Court of Appeals recently reduced a punitive damages award from $1,117,572 to $328,000-a 4:1 ratio to bad faith compensatory damages of $82,000.

A Year Ago and a Year Later

Eighteen months ago we made the decision to get divorced. Fifteen months ago we were separated. Five months ago our divorce was official. But it's the year I'm coming upon that seems the most significant.

A year ago we moved out of "our" house.

A year ago I had just made it through living in a hotel for two weeks.

A year ago I had just driven from the Midwest back to my foundation in NY. As I said then, "For the first time in 20 years, the idea of the cocoon of my parents and my childhood home is calling my name and I am heeding the call." I stayed there for weeks, in the cocoon, until I was able to come back to Ohio and move into my new house.

A year later there are seven kids between 8 and 13 running through my yard, screaming with the delight of summer and freedom while I sit inside and work, smiling at the sound of childhood.

A year later, we sometimes have dinner as a family of four, attend the kids' events as a posse of exes and currents, pack together for our kids' summer adventures away and discuss their anxieties, etc. According to a close friend "the general public thinks you guys have done a remarkable job, especially when it comes to the kids."

A year later, we still know all of each other insecurities and weaknesses. I can still break have my heart broken and be rendered speechless. We still fight over the stupid shit and the monumental things. We still bicker and fail to communicate, understand each other and be respectful. Fail. Often.

A year later, my house is my home. Every single thing in it was chosen by me and my kids. Each thing has a way of making me feel happy and comforted. Our schedule has a sense of normal, our new normal. My relationship with my kids has changed too. I am so much more present. We are so much more in sync. They have become more grown up, independent and responsible. I have become so much more grown up, independent and responsible, too. People argue over what "single mom" means but when I am on my own with my kids, a single mom is exactly what I am.

A year later I am less gutted by the experience, less acutely sad, less mournful. I miss him less. But I do still miss him. Parts of him and parts of us. I spend less time crying and angry and more time reflecting and understanding. More time analyzing and working on me. More time alone. I used to hate alone. A year later, I've learned to hate it less.

A year later I have lost and gained friendships. Some have been a shock and others make perfect sense. I have built a village that is mine. I have learned that shared experience is more powerful that shared background or upbringing. I have learned that you cannot force someone to remain your friend if they are done with you. I have learned that you can want your ex to be your friend, but you can't make him want it too. I have learned that you can keep parts of your ex-family as your own and feel blessed for that.

A year later I am not "alone." Freud would likely have a field day with the fact that both my ex and I entered serious relationships soon after we separated, but we both seem happy. My relationship is long distance and seems to boggle the minds of those who love me, but it works for us. I am with someone who makes me feel like the best version of me. He is great with my kids and my family when he sees them and that, well, that is everything. My ex's is local and adds the layer of a regular presence in my kid's life and even in mine. Oddly, most of the time that makes me feel grateful. Sometimes it hurts, as I assume mine does for him. Sometimes. Most of the time I am glad that she is a good person - an open and genuine human, who is good to my kids and who seems to take a sincere interest in them.

A year ago, I was just beginning this journey. A year later I have come to realize that the baby steps count just as much as the leaps of faith.

A year ago I'd forgotten much of who I was in the face of such a heart-wrenching loss. Grief is the pendulum swing of love. A year later, I'm back. I'm building and rebuilding. I'm starting to recognize this version of me. A year from now, I might even love her.

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Why Couples Fight: The Top 5 Issues

I love to talk about love -- even some of the darker parts of coupledom like arguments, fights and problems. After all, without the dark we wouldn't have the light!

Most of us don't realize that there are patterns to how we fight...and make-up if we so choose to work at it. Ask yourself:

Are you having the same fight over and over again?

Your arguments might be more common than you think. Can you relate to this awesome video?



The Science of Fighting

According to Marriage and Family counselor Dr. John Gottman, a true expert in this field, 69 percent of marriage conflicts are never solved. Yes, 69 percent!

That means that we are often having the same fight over and over again.

This is actually good news. Why? If we have similarities or patterns to our fights it means a) we are not alone and b) we can study, predict and course-correct our arguments before they explode.

Dr. John Gottman has over 40 years of research with over 3,000 married couples. He calls these unresolved issues 'gridlocked'. Watch this video for more:



Gridlocked Issue: A common topic that comes up for a couple that cannot be resolved and typically devolves into a nasty argument.

The Top 5 Issues Couples Fight About:

What do most couples fight about? Here are the 5 most common issues:

• Free Time

• Money

• Housework

• Physical Intimacy

• Extended Family

Fighting Solutions:

Here are some ways you can use the science of couples to help your relationship:

1. The New Mindset

How to Fight Better: I want us to shift the focus to fighting 'better' as opposed to fighting less. Why? Fighting better is about having discussions, not arguments. It is about respectfully hearing the other person when perpetual problems come up. It's also a lot of pressure to try to fight less. We all want to fight less, but the point of this article is to deepen understanding and that can mean discussing more.

2. Identify Your Issues

One of the most interesting discussions I have ever had with my husband was identifying our 'perpetual issues'. We sat down and thought about the problems and topics that have come up recently and looked for patterns. Did any of them fall into the top 5 above? Were there any common threads or underlying themes to our arguments. The answer -- yes. We didn't realize it at first, but we were basically having the same 3 arguments over and over again with different dressing.

• Sit down with your partner (or with a journal by yourself) and review all of the arguments you have had recently or any big blow-up fights over the last few months. Try to identify the patterns under the arguments.

• Once you have identified your patterns, clearly delineate each partner's side of the argument. Do this in non-judgmental terms. For example, an issue could be 'spending.' Husband likes to treat himself to little dinners out regularly, whereas Wife likes to save up for big treats. Neither is 'wrong' but this way you know where you both stand.

3. Localize Don't Globalize

One reason that little arguments can erupt so quickly is because a small disagreement can be tagged onto one of your larger arguments and immediately explode into the big fight. You already know your issues and where the other stands, so it is very important to keep small arguments compartmentalized and specific to the situation. This can help you focus on the issue and keep the discussion as just that -- a discussion. Since you know you have fundamental differences on the larger argument, there is no reason to bring it into everyday discussions.

• Try to avoid globalizing the other person or their behavior. Try not to say "You always do this" or "This is your pattern" or "You never..."

• Don't call up past arguments or offenses. I know it's hard, but it will only exacerbate an issue that is gridlocked (devolving into a larger fight).

And by the way, you aren't the only couple who fights about your issues:



4. Start with Agreement

If a gridlocked issue comes up on a daily basis and you need to approach it, start with agreement. Dr. Gottman noticed that successful couples who have been together for a long time master gentleness. They present issues in a soft way by never starting with criticism. In fact, starting with agreement is the best way to avoid an argument and start a discussion. Find something you can agree upon and start there.

• For example, if you have family coming in for the weekend and Wife wants a hotel, but Husband wants house-guests, Wife could say, "I know we can agree that family time is important and I know we can both get a little annoyed when we are overrun with nieces and nephews. Let's try to think of a way to make this weekend work."

5. Look Underneath the Argument

This is the hardest one, but the most important. Sometimes there are underlying issues beneath the gridlocked issue. I want you to think about what's happening behind the argument. Are there value-based differences? You might actually be arguing about basic philosophical concepts like someone's sense of self, power, freedom, care, what family means, what home means or control. Look at your gridlocked issue and ask the question "Why?" 5 times. *Be sure to get buy-in to do this from both people, so it is exploratory not antagonistic. For example:

• Wife: I am very upset right now.

• Man: Why?

• Wife: I need more help around the house.

• Man: Why do you feel that way?

• Wife: I feel overworked and overwhelmed with the stuff that needs to be done.

• Man: Why do you feel overwhelmed?

• Wife: It just feels like it all lands on me at the end of the day.

• Man: Why do you feel it all lands on you?

• Wife: I don't see you offering to help and that makes me frustrated.

• Man: Why does that happen?

• Wife: It makes me feel under-appreciated.

Ok, now they are onto something! Yes, help around the house is great, but it all boils down to feeling under appreciated. If the husband were to make the wife feel more appreciated -- perhaps thanking her for what has already been done, that might be even more beneficial than helping. Combining help and gratitude could be the ultimate healer in this fight.

6. Acceptance

Knowing your issues and where you stand can help prevent you from having the argument over and over again. Agreeing to disagree and naming the issue can prevent arguments in the future. For example, I was walking a couple through this exercise and this process happened:

• Common Issue: Vacationing with the in-laws. Husband doesn't like to vacation with his in-laws, Wife does.

• Localize: Trip to Hawaii over Thanksgiving

• Agreement: We both know we need a vacation and we are due for an in-law visit.

• Why's: Wife learns that the reason Husband doesn't like to vacation with the in-laws has nothing to do with them. He loves the in-laws! But he wants more couple time. "We are so busy during the work week that our vacations are the only alone time we get together."

• Acceptance: This is a difference in preference -- it is not an attack on the in-laws or a desire not to vacation together. A possible compromise to recognize the underlying need for alone time could be to go on vacation a few days early before the in-laws arrive.

• Success!

You want your perpetual issues to be more like the crazy uncle who shows up unannounced and less like the hidden rabid dog in the closet. In other words, the more your issue is talked about, tolerated and discussed, the easier and less trap-filled it will be.

Sometimes it feels like talking about the nitty-gritty side of romance is taboo, but I think when we explore the issues we learn and benefit. Let's bring the light to the dark.

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Inheritance Tax: Asserting Estate Liabilities in Germany

By GRP Rainer LLP - Cologne, Germany

Those who inherit generally have to pay inheritance tax. Estate liabilities can be asserted in the context of inheritance tax. Whether something is considered to be an estate liability may be debatable.