Life After Divorce: The Male Dichotomy?

I present here a hypothesis that men, after divorce, choose one of two essential pathways for their future. I hope to introduce an idea for discussion, and for divorced men, to provide a construct for decision-making about your future. I do not aim to judge this decision although I have chosen one over the others for myself. The two basic pathways I see are:

• The pathway toward a monogamous "coupled" relationship. Men in this category may be hesitant to enter a "full-blown" relationship, but are at least open to the idea that, if they meet an exceptional person they are open to the possibility of being coupled, or



• Remain strongly averse to marriage or being constrained by being anything but single. Men in this category may actively date but strongly emphasize their desire to remain uncoupled. Some men may shun dating altogether.

Wanting to remarry is a pretty understandable position that is only complicated by how much divorce sucks. All divorced people got married before, which implies (at least) that we wanted to be married. A significant part of a man's life (whether previously married or not) is spent pondering this question. "Should I stay single, date around, or settle down". Probably the same is true for women, although I can't speak as confidently about that. But in my search for male role models for how to move on after divorce I have made many observations and I see these patterns. Either a man desires to return to married life, at least being open to that scenario, or he wants nothing to do with being married again. Two different paths not unfamiliar to any man despite their status as married, divorced, or single.

So what changes in our lives that we would change our mind? Some men see the opportunity of divorce as a chance to live their future unconstrained by a coupled relationship. These men are not necessarily changed but want to pursue paths more easily followed alone. One example I know is a snowboarder who travels the world working short-term jobs that facilitate him hitting the mountain at every possible opportunity. A partner might compromise his freedom. Some of these men are often empathetic about the impact their lifestyles would have on a partner and choose to be uncoupled because they know it would be challenging for a partner.

I can totally understand the mindset of never wanting to remarry. Not remarrying means fewer obligations, not having more kids, and avoiding the negative aspects of marriage that played into us being divorced in the first place. Not remarrying also provides the freedom to experience more relationships, or to maximize the early stages of dating that tend to wane as relationships age. I get it; serial dating or even not dating at all can be easier than nurturing a successful marriage.

Choosing not to remarry is an understandable position, but I am concerned that this option is often selected to protect ourselves and not because it is something we actually want. I understand this mindset mostly because I spent a lot of time being directed by fear. I was very fearful, post-divorce, of getting into a future relationship only to repeat the same mistakes I had made in my first marriage. I was so overcome by fear that I did not want to remarry and it made dating very complicated. It took a lot of counseling for me to understand that I really did want to try again but was letting fear convince me otherwise. I was allowing low self-esteem associated with divorce, the statistics that suggest second marriages are harder, and the fear of being hurt again, to decide my future. I believe many men choose not to pursue relationships post-divorce out of fear and want divorced people to make decisions based on their authentic goals and not be clouded by the pain of divorce. Like all those articles say, we have to move beyond the pain and allow ourselves to live our lives. We owe it to ourselves, having been through divorce, to choose our futures.

Whatever you choose to do with your life after a divorce, it should come from a place where the pain of divorce does not cloud your decision. At the very least, divorce provides an opportunity to decide what you want for your future. The advice provided to me was not to let fear determine how you approach that opportunity. Though my second marriage is complicated by blending families, I feel incredibly grateful to those who helped me let go of the past and not let fear drive my future.

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

10 Tips for How to Co-Parent Without Killing Your Ex!

Anyone who thinks co-parenting is easy has probably never tried it themselves! Even if you and your ex did your best to "consciously uncouple," you are still likely to push each other's buttons from time to time after your divorce. If your divorce was more like World War III than a civilized split, your co-parenting afterwards is going to be even more challenging.



As parents, we all know that it is better for our kids if we get along ... but it isn't easy! Here are 10 tips to help you and your ex smooth out the bumps in your co-parenting relationship.





1. Discuss how you will handle important parenting issues BEFORE you divorce. Many people make the mistake of not talking about hot button parenting issues until after they are divorced. While avoiding difficult conversations might make your divorce smoother initially, it can make your life after divorce total hell. It is far better to deal with the issues you know are there while you are still going through your divorce, than it is to go back to court and fight about them afterward.



2. Create a dispute resolution process in your divorce judgment. No matter how much you try to resolve your parenting issues before you divorce, inevitably things will come up after your divorce that you never thought about. For that reason, your divorce judgment needs to lay out a dispute resolution process. For example, you might say that if you and your ex disagree on an important issue, you will try to talk about it in person first, then go to a mediator before either of you can go to court.



3. Learn to communicate in a way that doesn't make you crazy! If talking to your ex grates on your very last nerve, then find a way to communicate that isn't as bad. Use email. Use text messaging. Use technology. A shared Google calendar can keep everyone on the same page with your kids' activities. If that doesn't work, there are lots of online tools that will help you and your ex communicate, schedule the kids' activities, and keep track of expenses, without ever having to have a face to face conversation. (CLICK HERE to get your FREE Parenting Tools Resource Guide.)



4. Assume Good Intent. When your marriage dissolves, so does the trust that you once had with your ex. So, when your ex brings the kids to your house late, or changes the schedule at the last minute because of a work commitment, or makes a questionable parenting choice, you assume your ex is irresponsible, disrespectful, and purposely annoying. If, instead of assuming the worst, you make it a rule to assume the best until you are shown otherwise, you will be amazed at how your relationship with your ex (and your stress level) change.



5. Minimize the Opportunity for Conflict. As parents, you and your ex are both entitled to get your kids' report cards, school notices, medical records and activity schedules. You can save yourself a lot of grief if you list both you and your ex as parents on all official documents, and require the school, sports teams, etc. to send both of you duplicate notices about what is happening with your child. That way, one parent is not responsible for keeping the other in the loop.



6. Resist the Urge to Bad-Mouth Your Ex. Your child is entitled to have a good relationship with both of his/her parents. Don't sabotage that by talking badly about your ex in front of your kid ... even if your ex has no problem talking badly about you! While taking the high road may require you to bite your tongue so hard that it bleeds right now, in the end your kid will understand and appreciate your self-restraint.



7. Stay Focused on the Kids. Limit your conversations with your ex to the information you need to convey that is related to your kids. Resist the urge to analyze or criticize your ex. Don't pump your ex for information on his/her love life. Don't bring up arguments about the past. Talk about the kids, and only about the kids.



8. Stop Trying to Control Your Ex. It is easy to use the kids to control your ex without even realizing that is what you are doing. If you find that you are refusing to change weekends so that your ex can go on vacation with his/her new squeeze, or you insist that your ex do exactly what you say with the kids, or you withhold money you know your ex needs because s/he is not spending it the way that you think is right, are you really doing what is best for your kids? Or, are you trying to control your ex? The minute to let go of trying to control your ex, co parenting with him/her will instantly become easier.



9. Use the 10 Second Rule. When your ex does something that you consider to be completely insane, or surprises you with bad news in front of the kids, take a deep breath and count to ten before you say a word. Your kids are watching your reaction. Your ex is too. The more you can keep your cool and not explode, the more you will save your kids from having to endure another emotional hurricane. Then, when you have gotten your blood pressure to stop pushing through the top of your head, you can (hopefully) have a more rational, and productive, conversation with your ex.



10. Manage Your Expectations. Parenting is the hardest job on the planet. Co parenting takes that job and increases the difficulty level by 10x. If you go into co parenting with the expectation that your ex is going to parent the same way that you do, or that s/he is always going to agree with you, or let you have your way, you are going to spend most of your children's childhood fighting with your ex. If you adjust your expectations so that they are realistic, instead of idealistic or rigid, you will be a lot less stressed out, your kids will be happier, and co parenting will be much, much easier.



If you want to get a handy one-page Parenting Tools Resource Guide listing 7 of the best automated parenting tools, CLICK HERE.

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

What Attorneys Need to Know To Draft Third Party Logistics (TPL) Contracts

By The Law Offices of R. Sebastian Gibson - Palm Desert, California

Third party logistics (TPL and 3PL) contracts are some of the most complicated agreements an attorney can draft. For the manufacturer entering into an agreement with a third party logistics provider, or a new entity providing logistics services, well-drafted and negotiated third party logistics contracts are essential to protect profits and exclude liability for damages or unforeseen additional costs.

Dating as a Divorce Attorney

I have had quite a few clients ask my advice recently about "dating after divorce". Of course, I refer them to Dating After Divorce right here on the Huffington Post. However, this question got me to thinking, what about dating for the single divorce attorney. . .? After all, divorce attorneys experience almost all of the turbulence of the divorce process that the parties do (i.e. a-hole adversaries, biased judges, vengeful exes). The emotional toll that divorce litigation takes on the parties is virtually unparalleled in the world of relationships. Although attorneys must maintain an emotional wall between their personal lives and litigation, we have a front row seat to the worst of the worst that the universe of relationships has to offer. Whether it be false allegations regarding custody, the hiding of assets or plain old-fashioned adultery, the issues confronted on a daily basis by divorce attorneys could make the romantic of us run the other way when it comes to relationships, marriage and children.



People ask me all the time: "Why are you single?" I believe that yes, after dealing with divorce litigation for close to fifteen years, I have become cautious about dating and relationships. Anyone looking at me would believe that I use the word "cautious" synonymously with "nonexistent". However, "cautious", to me, means that I would rather be alone than with the wrong person. If someone wants to "set me up" with a woman, I ask them about the potential date's relationship history, career, family, interests and why they believe we would hit As I listen to the answers (probably inadmissible hearsay in a court of law), the attorney in me begins to filter these answers through the "would any of this affect us as a couple in a future divorce". If I hear or project there to be any "issues", I reject the "set up" before it is even made.



Even when I have found myself in a relationship, it is usually set up to fail from the beginning (i.e. long distance with neither of us able to relocate; philosophical differences regarding child-rearing). Apparently, I am much more proficient at dissolving relationships than I am at creating them.



As such, I am making a concerted effort to improve my outlook on dating and relationships via therapy and meditation. I know many couples married for 25, 30 and even 50 years. Although it is not easy, relationships and marriages can and do work, so long as the parties put the work into them.



So, dear readers, it is now the point of this article where I seek to enlist your help. I am asking that you help this single, 43-year-old, guitar playing, tattooed, chivalrous divorce attorney find Ms. Right. I am open to meeting someone so long as they are able to come to New York for the date and have no aversion to my writing about the date(s) in this column. I put my relationship future in your hands dear readers -- until we meet again. As always, I can be reached at: douglas@kepanislaw.com



SMILE!!!

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

The Limited Liability Company in Albania and Branch in Albania

By LPA Law Firm - Tirana, Albania

Register an LLC in Albania and register a Foreign Company Branch in Albania

Posting of Third Country Nationals to Malta: The Vander der Elst Application in Malta

By CSB Advocates - Swatar, Malta

As a matter of rule, individuals who are not citizens of an EU Member State (also known as Third Country Nationals-TCNs) must be in possession of an employment licence (also known as work permit), in order to both legally reside and work in Malta.

What Decisions Does the Judge Make in Divorce Cases?

By HG.org - Houston, Texas

A family law judge has a tremendous amount of power in divorce cases. He or she may make a variety of decisions that can impact spouses for years to come.